I feel like I am falling apart lately.
Need a new car (current one is a 2005 Toyota Highlander) and can't decide whether to replace it standard or keep it and buy an all electric sedan. I only do errands around town, so an electric makes sense. But sometimes I haul mulch or compost in a trailer, so I need some power. I could almost buy a golf cart for my errands... LOL!
Need a new riding mower. I'm too old to push the regular ones around, self-propelled types with their constant speed are too difficult around the details of the yard. Besides, I started with the push mowers at age 12 and hated it. Eldest sons get all the hard work. So I looked at Consumer Reports for a new riding mower. Listed several, but when I looked up pros and cons, a lot of sites said those same mowers sucked at slopes or even dragging a yard cart behind. I chose one anyway. But the local store that sells my chosen model (John Deere E130) is closed (convid19).
Iza's departure has left a hole in my heart. I want a replacement. Maybe "replacement" is the wrong word. I have have space in my heart for another and I want it filled soon. I am not good at waiting. But the local shelter is closed, the Tonkinese breeder can't commit for 2 months, and the Siamese breeder is awaiting a new litter before she knows "who is who" I think. But does have a 3 year old striped Siamese (Lynx?).
Impatience on all is driving me to distraction.
I know, I am lucky to even have minor concerns like this. I don't have to wait in miles-long lines to get volunteered food like many people are. I don't have loved-ones dying in hospitals alone. I am comfortable staying at home. I have 2 wonderful cats.
I feel like a damn fool even mentioning these slight problems. But Iza's loss has me all unbalanced. I suddenly have nightmares. I don't enjoy cooking and eating recently.
I should just delete this. But telling the world how I feel helps...
In the movie 'Conagher' a cowboy wanders around as a "hand". He meets a widow named "Evie" who is managing a farm. He "drifts", she stays. She attaches notes to tumbleweeds. An early internet... He finds a few and wonders who she is (duh). Eventually, he does pull out one of her notes from his pocket and she admits to writing them. Happily Ever After...
I feel like my posts are notes tied to tumbleweeds sometimes. I'm not looking for someone, as Evie was not exactly looking for someone either, but my posts are often my connection to the universe...
Thank you to all who read here.
4 comments:
Mark - I'm sorry that you're feeling out of sorts and impatient with the world at large.
Don't apologise. Don't feel foolish. You're human. You have feelings. And even when there are bigger issues facing the world, all of us are still going to respond to things that happen in our own little pocket of the planet. After all - there are ALWAYS going to be bigger issues facing the world. That doesn't make our individual lives and hurts and disappointments and griefs any different.
The fact that you have much to be grateful for is wonderful. But that doesn't necessarily protect you from feeling foolish or frustrated.
To me, it seems that you're expressing and feeling grief for Iza. Your world is different from how it used to be and it has caused you anguish. It will take a while to absorb that in to your life. When you find a cat, you know that it will be a very special cat. You don't want to settle for anything less than your special cat. Cuddle Marley and Ayla, howl at the moon, work in the garden, do something unusual and novel. The right time will come and the right cat will come. You know it will.
Take care and please be gentle with yourself.
Megan
Sydney, Australia
Mark what a courageous post. I commend you for your honesty and for stating how you're feeling. I am sorry to hear you feel at such loose ends, but you are brave to put your thoughts to words and express yourself. There's a lot of uncertainty right now, and when one part of your world (Iza) crashes it's not easy to just go on as if it didn't happen. Grief is odd like that, it strikes so unexpectedly, and then to add in all the other very unusual happenings in the world right now and it can cause one to be unable to decide things or to make them happen. Please know you're not alone in how you feel, probably more of us feel some of the things you describe than you know, but we keep it in. Bless you and I hope you find a new cat that you can bring into your home to shower with lots of love soon.
"Need a new car (current one is a 2005 Toyota Highlander) and can't decide whether to replace it standard or keep it and buy an all electric sedan."
Why do you think you need a new car? Dan's 2006 Toyota Tacoma truck has 100,000+ miles on it, and we aren't event thinking of getting something else. Toyotas are very good vehicles (that's why we have one), and the way you drive, yours is practically brand new.
I hope this takes at least one worry off your mind.
Love to the kitties.
It is good to express your feelings. I write in a journal and it helps me to sort things out. Losing Iza is a big loss, I find losing a pet worse than losing a human because pets are always there for us.
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