Post-Christmas Thoughts

The Mews were all snuggled asleep on the bed

With visions of toy-mousies in their sweet heads.

Two napped together, one slightly apart.

And one napped aloof, that one darling old tart.

 

When what to my wondering eyes did I spy,

But the clock showing that my own bedtime was nigh.

I slid into bed with the greatest of care,

But the Mews sure did know, like I was a bear.

 

There were mews of complaints,

But we all did adjust.

One curled on the right of me;

Another chose the left.

 

A third lay beside me.

The fourth took a corner

And we slept through the night like

A drugged bunch of turtles.

And if you are noticing

That my poem lost the rhyme,

Just credit it to

That last glass of wine...

 

   ------

 

There are things that leave

My writing skills some agape.

Its the Wrath of Grapes...

 

    .....

 

I joke often, I am serious often.  I think.  I write.  It all blends together.  I suppose that sometimes, I am the only one who knows exactly what I mean in a post.  Jokes can hide serious thoughts and serious thoughts can hide jokes.

Humor

Some people demand that humor be socially and politically "correct".  I don't.  I can laugh at the most outrageous things.  I can appreciate good wordplay and sarcasm and "between the genders" humor.  Humor doesn't work unless there is some truth to it.  But it doesn't mean I will post them to others who might not. 

So I try to stick to the odd or surprising or extremely convoluted.  There is a mostly daily column about local life in Washington DC in the Washington Post newspaper.  That is rather unusual, since the Washington Post is generally a national and international newspaper.  The author talks about local history, parks, animals, flowers etc.

So he raised the question of what people call "flip-flops" (those rubber-soled sandals).  I remembered them (and hated them) and seldom wore them.  But the different names interested me.  A lot of people called them "thongs".  That was awkward as I think of them as underwear unusual people wear and I can't imagine doing.  I mean why give yourself a "wedgie"?

Other names were "scuffles" because they come off if you don't.  Another was "clicks" for the sound they made.  Another said "toe-clenchers" because you had to do that to keep them on.  

I'm mentioning all this because of a joke at the end of the article when the author said he always knew them as "flip-flops".  They go flip, flop, flip, flop...

"A guy with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks "Do you sell "flip-flips"?

I cracked up!

  -----------------------

BTW, for the funniest convoluted joke of all time, I like:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night in their tent, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awakens and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce from the position of the moon that the time is about 3 am."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Cavebear

Getting Around Finally

I have been healing faster the past couple days!   

1.  I can mostly free-walk now (needed the walker only when I first got up yesterday).  Not normally or fast, but I can walk enough to function now and every day is better.

2.  I got down to the basement to do a load of laundry and it was easier than a few days ago.  

3.  Took the car out for a brief test-drive.  It is easier than even using the walker.  The hardest part was getting OUT of the car afterwards.  My right leg kept hitting the steering wheel.

4.  I have a last regular Dr visit later today.  I probably don't NEED the visit but it serves "for the record" in case something comes up later.  I'll use the walker, but probably won't need it.  Handy for carrying stuff!

5.  I think I will go out on the deck and maybe down on the backyard tomorrow (but not let The Mews out yet).  I have a couple small bags of kitchen scraps for the compost bin and they are starting to make their presence obvious.  :(

6.  I think I will leave the ladder up against the tree as a reminder.  I'll make a sign to hang on it:  "Use of ladders after age 70 can be dangerous to your health".

7.  I initially made a few ill-informed predictions about when I would be healed.  First, I thought 3-5 days.  Then, another week.  Well, Groundhog Day will be exactly a month and that is my more-informed guess for normal mobility.

8.  This January has not been "best  month ever" but I should be back to my normal activities soon:

Sorry, just couldn't resist that!  A sense of humor is important.  "Laugh, and the world laughs with you.  Cry, and you cry alone"...

Random Thoughts

"EVIL":

1.  Moles and Voles are evil.
2.  Weeds are evil (poison ivy, english ivy, wild grapes, wild blackberries, invasive perennial flowers, mock strawberries, bindweed, thistles, those large plants with purple berries that stain your fingers [obviously I forget the name], and the horrid invasive vine that a previous neighbor planted and I can't find the name of either).
3.  Groundhogs are evil.
5.  Deer are evil too, but at least they are afraid to jump the backyard fence.  They just eat my front yard plants.
6.  The neighbor in the ugly McMansion across the street who mows his lawn a 7 am when I am trying to sleep is evil (even if he is a really cool guy otherwise).
7.  Both next-door neighbors are evil.  One set has a fallen over tree in the front yard and it has been sitting there for 3 years.  The other set tried to burn dry dead branches right under small dry trees and next to my wood fence.  And they didn't even have a garden hose in case things went bad (I told them to stop or I would call the fire department).  And I caught the husband using a weed whacker around my trees and shrubs 10' on my side of the property line.  "Death by weed-whacker" is an actual problem.
8.  The neighbor across the street and next to the McMansion is evil.  He and his girlfriend used to have screaming arguments at 3 am on weekends.  They moved out some years ago, but now they are back!  Who moves back to a rental place?
9.  Ryobi Tools - Its a string trimmer that won't handle grass or vines.  So I bought a replacement head with serrated plastic blades,  But I can't find the right size bolt to fit the drive shaft.  I've emailed Ryobi twice about the exact size and thread per inch, but they haven't responded.  They promised 48 hours.  Its been 5 days. As far as I can tell, it is either a 9/32nds or a 7mm reverse-threaded bolt and no one locally sells either.
10.  Neighbors 4 houses away who think that everyone within 1/2 mile wants to hear their outdoors music.

"GOOD":

1.  I have a Fall garden.  Beans, cukes, tomatoes, corn, squash, coles (brocolli, cabbage, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, kohlrabi), carrots, beets, radishes, and flat italian pole beans.
2.  Dug up some black-eyed susans in the garden paths and moved them to the meadow bed.  If they survive, great, but they had to be removed from the paths anyway.
3.  This one is a bit odd.  I plant my tomatoes through a red plastic cover.  The red cover supposedly reflects sunlight that tomatoes absorb best AND deters insects.  But it is hard to water the plants.  So years ago, I bought some plastic tubes that attach to large soda bottles.  You cut the bottoms off the bottles, sick them in the soil and you fill them with water from the hose and it slowly drips into the root zone.  Got them cleaned and installed yesterday.  Some drained quickly, others didn't.  But all drained eventually.  I'll watch the leaves to make sure they aren't wilting.  A lot faster to water the tomatoes deeply that way.
4.  The cheap electric mower is great for trim work, but only lasts 10 minutes.  Still, its quiet, and light.
5.  The cheap small electric tiller works great.  If you cut the weeds down first and till shallowly at first pass.  Otherwise, the tines get roots wrapped around them and it takes work to unwrap them.  But it is great in close situations and shallow tilling.

"ODDS":

1.  My new Subaru Forester is too fancy.  I don't understand half of the displays.  Better sit down and study the manual.  I thought it was tricky, but one of the things I noticed in the old 2005 Toyota Highlander manual as I was cleaning it out was how many post-it notes I had to things that confused me then.  So I guess I'll learn about these things on the Forester.  I especially need to learn how to NOT have the Forester shut off when stopped at traffic lights.
2.  The deck gets too hot for the cats' tender paws.  The composite deck material gets to 120F.  So I bought 3 12'x2' strips of outdoor carpet.  Turns out the Home Depot store guy gave me "a couple extra inches" on each strip.  None of which are exactly the same width.  So I have to do some extra cutting.
3.  Related to the above, I think I will get a cover over half the deck.  I would get a retractable Sunsetter awning, but my deck-to-roof distance is too low.  I would cover the whole deck, but I have smoker/griller on one end and that needs free "up-space" for the heat and smoke.

That's almost enough, but I came across a funny thing all writers will understand...

STEPS FOR CURING WRITER'S BLOCK:

1.   

LOL!

Is This How Drug Buyer Feels?

I went shopping at the Safeway real  this morning with the other seniors.  Now that's not a term I've used before even though I am an AARP member.  Well, I dont go out for the 4 PM chicken pot pie special at Golden Corral. 

I did get fresh fruits and veggies.  Happy to get home to put them away.

But I took a chance and drove the the local butcher/deli/liquor store that has had an hour long line outside for weeks.  I confess, I absolutely LOVE "Twisted" Brand zinfandel


Medium-bodied with aromas of wild blackberry, plum and a hint of spice. Concentrated ripe stone fruit, dark berry flavors and toasted oak carry through to the palate. Nicely balanced acidity and plush tannins lead to a lingering finish.

And it is as cheap as I am (buy me a drink; I'm yours, LOL!).  $9.99 for a 1.5L bottle

My favorite joke:  And forgive me if this offends, but I just think it is hilarious...  A guy is sitting at a bar and a women sits down next to him wearing the most skin-tight jeans you can possibly imagine.  The guy is an engineer and you know how sexy engineers are ("cough, cough, see ya later buddy").  But he is actually mechanically intrigued and finally asks "maam, how DOES one get into jeans like that"?

And she says "Well, you can start by buying me a drink".  

I'd like to think the drink was a glass of Twisted Old Vine Zinfendel.

It's the only wine I drink.  It doesn't sell worth a tinker's dam around here, but the store I mentioned above NICK'S OF CLINTON special orders it for me 2 cases at a time.  With the covid19, they had lines out the door an hour long.  I fought waiting but I was down to my last bottle, so I decided to go stand in line.

There was no line...    I walked right in and asked the manager if he had my 2 cases of wine.  He said he did and was worried I had died.  Well, he understood that I didn't like to stand in an hour line.  And he would have 2 more cases next Thursday.

But that's not why i mentioned all this.  I scored bread machine yeast!  And at a normal price.  I was down to my last tablespoon!  It is selling online for $50 a 4 oz jar...  I'm good for 9 months.  I can "deliver" my bread needs, LOL!

I'm a good person.  I only bought 1 (they had 3)  But I scored a hit and the cops didn't catch me Bwa-Ha-Ha...  I will use it carefully, interspersed with flat tortilla wraps to hold me over until the lean times are past.   Must make it last, yes my Precioussss, make it last...  Bread once a month, that would be enough right?  Keep the nasty Hobbitses away from my y e a s t i e s.  Or SHE will detect it and takes it away.  So, just a loaf once in the dark of the moon.   Yesss, she won't detect That will she...  I am safe wit hbreadness...

A Visual Joke...

I was sent this, and I cracked up.

Random Thoughts And Observations

It has been so rainy here lately, the slugs are crawling up on the front steps to get out of the wet.

The moquito larvae are drowning in the grass.

Rice is growing wild in the lawn.

I used an umbrella to get the mail 3 days ago and set the umbrella to dry in the garage.  It is still wet.

The cats found a fish hiding in the basement!

My Civ2 game declared all my land units drowned.  But I have lots of Subs.

The local gas station is giving away free water with every fill-up.  And if you take away 5 gallons, they give you a gallon of gas free.

The local dowser turned his forked stick upside down trying to find dry spots.

A dry spot appeared in the sky and everyone cheered.    And took pictures.

Local Republicans are acknowledging "Climate Change" and blaming local Democrats for not doing something about it.     Local Democrats are denying they ever liked "rain" and proposed a Bill banning it.  President Trump is denying it is raining.  He says it is "fake news".

The cats insisted on going outside but they got tired of swimming in the lawn and came back inside.

Diplomacy

A little dark humor...

Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump are on the telephone reluctantly "diplomacizing"...

Kim:  You attack us, The Greatest of Nations, and we will level Seoul with our mightly artillery!
Trump:  Yawn, not our problem...

Kim:  We will atomic bomb Guam!
Trump:  Is that ours?  Well, hold on 30 seconds...  OK, I just sold it to the Japanese.

Kim:  Then we will nuke California!
Trump:  Go ahead, it's all Democrats.  Besides, it's only our 10th biggest State.  Besides, you probably couldn't hit it.

Kim:  Well we'll hit SOMETHING!
Trump:  Sure go ahead.  You'll kill a bunch of Mexicans picking grapes in Napa Valley.  Then I won't need a wall at all...

Kim:  But think of the destruction!
Trump.  Actually, we have laser satellites.  You won't get a missile into reentry.  Wait, hold on 30 seconds, Bannon is yelling in my ear.  OK, he says I shouldn't have told you that.  Forget I mentioned it.

Kim, Then I will send a nuke in a container ship!
Trump:  Go for San Fransisco, thats where all the LBGTQIAs are.

Kim:  WHO?
Trump:  Google it.  Oh wait, you don't have internet there, HA, HA, HA!

Kim:  I will send an skilled Korean assassin to work at Mar-A-Lago!
Trump:  I only hire Mexicans, no matter what South American country they come from! 

 Kim:  Then I will post a sniper in the woods of your golf course.  You slice terribly!  He will know just where to wait.
 Trump:  That's a body double.  I have a dozen.  I'll put a bomb in Dennis Rodman's basketball next time he visits you.  BOOM!

Kim:  You would blow up the Great Dennis Rodman?
Trump:  In a NY second.  He has better hair than I do.

Kim:  Then I will nuke Japan!
Trump:  Please do, that will improve our tech industry profits.  But as a favor, do it while Rodman is there on his way to visit you.  Two birds with one stone.

Kim:  OK, I would never nuke Japan or anyplace where Dennis Rodman is...
Trump:  I know.  Well, guess who just got named the Ambassador to Everywhere, travelling secretly and with 100 body-doubles in all embassies ...  GOTCHA!

Kim:  Dennis Rodman HAS no body doubles!
Trump:  You haven't been following the South Korean DNA experiments lately, have you?

Kim:  I thought he was a ET!
Trump:  You watch too many movies.  BTW, we have The Avengers and they have The Hulk.



Kim:  Well, um, I think you are weak.  I can pole vault 32', run a 3 minute mile, I shoot par golf, and, um,  throw a shotput 60'.  My Secretary-General of My Athletic Skills says so!  Or at least will tomorrow.
Trump:  Yeah, I have one of those too.  I can throw a football in a tight spiral through a swinging tire, hit a baseball 500', and have a 0 handicap at golf!

Kim:  Really?
Trump:  Of course really!  Would I lie to you?  Come to Mar-A-Lago anytime and I'll prove it.

Kim:  Sorry, I'm busy that week.
Trump:  Well ANYTIME is fine, I play golf all over the country at my 100's of resorts.  On government time and cost.  Name a day...

Kim:  Sorry but I am an booked up through 2025.  Really busy here.

Trump:  Well, yeah me too.

Kim:  (Whew, escaped that exposure)
Trump:  (Whew, escaped that exposure)

Kim:  You are insane!
Trump:  Funny, I was just thinking that about you.

Kim:  You have ugly hair!
Trump:  My hair is HONORED on the internet!  Have you seen the "Trump Your Cat" pictures?  It show they love me.  Hugely!  Beat that...

Kim:  You're FAT.  Too much hamburgers and french fries.
Trump:  Not much to look at yourself.  What are you?  4' 6" and 225 pounds?  I bet you don't get there on just rice.

Kim:  I am the most well-fed person in the country.  I am 7' tall and a trim 250!
Trump:  I'm 6'6" and 275.  Won the Presidential Wrestling Competition in 2016!

Kim:  Really?
Trump:  Would I lie to YOU?

Kim:  You know, you are an interesting person.
Trump:  Yeah, we think alike.

Kim:  Maybe we could exchange some emails.
Trump:  I'm more on Twitter, but emails might be good...  I'll ask Hillary how that works...

Together:  "I want you, I need you, I love you"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRRmm0d7VcA

Weird Thoughts

A.  When you first wake up in the morning what do you do first?

1.  Look at the window to see if it is daylight?
2.  Look at the clock to see if you can sleep more?
3.  Jump out of bed joyous that there is a new day of work to be accomplished?
4.  Reach for a cigarette?

B.  When you wake up in the middle of the night and there is a cat in the very middle of the bed, do you...

1.  Move left or right toward the edge?
2.  Invite it in under the covers?
3.  Move in gently, ignoring the protesting claws?
4.  Get up and feed the cat so it will get off the bed?

C.  When you happen to be near the litter box and a cat is using it...

1.  Do you watch out of judging it's health?
2.  Do you watch out of curiosity?
3.  Do you turn away to give it privacy?
4.  Do you rush over to clean the litter box?

D.  If a cat catches a mouse...

1.  Do you EEEWWW out?
2.  Do you AAAHHH out?
3.  Do you grab the camera?
4.  Do you plan a party for the event?

E.  When the garden needs weeding and the living room needs vacuuming...

1.  Do you weed the garden?
2.  Do you vacuum the room?
3.  Sit down and make a To DO list?
4.  Wonder what the odds are that a visitor will show up unexpectedly?

F.  Your refrigerator looks like Mother Hubbard's Cupboard, and it is raining...

1.  Do you decide that pickles, nuts, and an apple is a good meal?
2.  Do you grab an umbrella and go food-shopping?
3.  Do you call the local Chinese delivery place?
4.  Do you go visit a single friend just before dinnertime?

Sunday Humor

Famous Predictions

Theoretically, television may be feasible, but I consider it an impossibility--a development which we should waste little time dreaming about.
- Lee de Forest, 1926, inventor of the cathode ray tube

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Thomas J. Watson, 1943, Chairman of the Board of IBM

It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything.
- Albert Einstein's teacher to his father, 1895

It will be years - not in my time - before a woman will become Prime Minister.
- Margaret Thatcher, 1974

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
- Western Union internal memo, 1876

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

640K ought to be enough for anybody.
- Bill Gates, 1981

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.
- Hewlett-Packard's rejection of Steve Jobs, who went on to found Apple Computers

King George II said in 1773 that the American colonies had little stomach for revolution.

An official of the White Star Line, speaking of the firm's newly built flagship, the Titanic, launched in 1912, declared that the ship was unsinkable.

In 1939 The New York Times said the problem of TV was that people had to glue their eyes to a screen, and that the average American wouldn't have time for it.

An English astronomy professor said in the early 20th century that air travel at high speed would be impossible because passengers would suffocate.

Airplanes are interesting toys, but they have no military value.
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch in 1911

With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market.
- Business Week, 1958

Whatever happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught napping.
- Frank Knox, U.S. Secretary of the Navy, on December 4, 1941

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, October 16, 1929.

....................................

Sunday Humor

More stuff about to be lost...

In the beginning there was the computer.  And God said

c:\Let there be light!

Enter user id.

c:\God

Enter password.

c:\Omniscient

Password incorrect.

c:\Omnipotent

Password incorrect.

c:\Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:\Fiat lux!

Bad command or file name.

c:\Let there be light!

Bad command or file name.

c:\Create light

Done

c:\Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:\Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Bad command or file name.

c:\Create firmament

Done.

c:\Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:\Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place

and let the dry land appear and

Bad command or file name.

Too many characters in specification string.

c:\Create dry_land

Done.

c:\Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:\Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Bad command or file name.

c:\Create sun_moon_stars

Done

c:\Run sun_moon_stars

And God separated the light from the darkness.  The sun ruled over

The day and the moon and stars ruled over the night.  And God saw there

Were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:\Create fish

Done

c:\Create fowl

Done

c:\Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature

That creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every

Winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:\Create cattle

Done

c:\Create creepy_things

Done

c:\Now let us make man in our image

Bad command or file name.

c:\Create man

Done

c:\Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it

and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air

and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Bad command or file name.

c:\Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

c:\Insert breath

Done

c:\Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

c:\Move man to Garden of Eden

Bad command or file name.

Garden of Eden not found in this directory.

c:\Create Garden.edn

Done

c:\Move man to Garden.edn

Done

c:\Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

c:\Copy woman from man

Done

c:\Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

c:\Create desire

Done

c:\Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\Create freewill

Done

c:\Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:\Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\Create good, evil

Done

c:\Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95.  Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:\Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

c:\Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:\Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\Stop

Bad command or file name.

c:\Break

c:\Break

c:\Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:\Create new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old

Files before new ones can be created.

c:\Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c:\Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME  SUNDAY, MARCH 8, AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

Fake "Hints From Heloise"

Have you ever read the real ones in the newspaper?  Some of them are SO silly.  This is recent real one:  "Remove individual [computer] keys to clean and wipe the underside with a microfiber cloth. Some keys have springs and it might be tough to get them back in place."

Is she SERIOUS?  Even Martha Stewart wouldn't do that!

So I decided to make some fake ones to send...

1.  When I print out my local baseball team's annual schedule, I snip the printout into weeks and stack them on the refrigerator with rare earth magnets.  Just remove one each week!  Saves LOTS of refrigerator door space.

2.  Storing socks in the dresser drawer uses up a lot of space.  So I clamp mine between 2 cookie sheets.

3.  The easiest way to clean teflon pans is to spray them with oven cleaner.  However, you can only do that once.

4.  You want to clean your microwave fast?  Just put a bottle of window cleaner in there and set it on high for 10 minutes.  The replacement M/W oven will be clean as new!

5.  Birdseed is expensive.  Just visit a woodworking shop to get shavings for free,  The birds will get used to it.

6.  If you swallow a moth, just swallow a few mothballs afterwards and your discomfort will go away forever.

7.  You can make a perfectly good Halloween pumpkin from a soccer ball!  Just put it in a carved pumpkin first.

8.  You can improve your school report cards with Photoshop!  Mom and Dad will be SO proud.

9.  Buy a 3-D printer and put a $20 bill in the input slot.  Free money!

10.  Garden slugs are almost pure protein.  Think of them as "hamburger helper".

11.  Air Force pilots earn big money.  So get one of those computer games and "earn your way to the top".

12.  Garden trowels can be hammered into very workable spatulas!

13.  Online purchases come packed in long strips of brown paper.  Enough glue and you have unique wallpaper!

14.  Wall art is sold by the pound at charity centers.  Load up, it might be valuable someday.

15.  Use losing lottery tickets as coasters in parties.  Claim they are winning tickets too low in value to bother with.  Your friends will be very impressed.

16.  Save leftover paint and mix it all together.  Why pay for designer colors when you can make them yourself?

17.  Kitty litter works when dry.  So dump the used stuff in your dryer and its good for another round.

18.  Secret hint.  Newspapers pay for crossword puzzles.  So save old ones and submit them to another newspaper in a few years.

19.  Calendars repeat after 28 years.  Save them for future use!

I think I'll stop there...  No, I haven't actually sent those, but I MIGHT.  LOL! 

A Surprise Letter

I subscribe to The Washington Post newspaper.  Yeah, the print edition.  It also happens to be my local newspaper (living near a nation's capital can have odd twists).  But its easier to turn paper pages while I eat my lunch than mess up my laptop.  And I recycle/compost anyway, so little is wasted.  But I am also always about a month behind, so reading the political, business, and sports news can be hilarious!  I read it mostly for the editorials.

So when I received a letter from The Washington Post, I expected some notice that my subscription was unpaid due to an expired card.  Nope.  It was good news.

The Washington Post has run a humor contest called 'The Style Invitational' each Sunday for 1,150 weeks.   The weekly contests always some some odd theme or another.  Write a limerick one week, caption a silly drawing the next, combine 2 Kentucky Derby racing horse names and come up with a funny name for the offspring, create a motto for a politician, etc.

I've sent in entries a few times, but because I'm behind on the reading, the deadlines are usually past.  But I always read the winning entries because I admire the cleverness.  There are usually a top 4 of winners and a dozen or so Honorable Mentions.  Winners are referred to as "Losers" (it IS a humor column, the top 4 get prizes (like T-shirts saying "'Im a LOSER",  cheap plastic coin banks shaped as outhouses, fake Dracula teeth, etc).

First time winners get one of those cheap pine tree car air fresheners, and even that is a joke.  The air freshener is a "fir stink" (first ink).

 I got my "fir stink" in the envelope!  Hurray, I'm now a recognized LOSER!

The person who manages the contest (The Empress) doesn't have to give out very many "fir-stinks".  The weekly winners ("losers") are usually pretty much the same group of very talented humourists.  A new loser (also called a "first offender") is rare.  Hurray, I'm RARE!  And a "First Offender"!

For the record, the Week 1,142nd contest was to combine any 2 names into a Twitter handle and write a tweet by the hybrid person.  Most just used real people names.  I combined Secretariat (Kentucky Derby race horse winner) with Hillary Clinton for "@SecretariatHRClinton", and the tweet was "So I'm supposed to just keep running to the left?"

I'll leave everyone to figure that out themselves, but will explain if asked...

The winning entry was "@OrangeJulius:  Could be well mov'd.  My friends in the House are sticking knives into me."  That shows the difference between a winning entry and an Honorable Mention!  It succeeds on multiple levels.  I was, as my Aussie friends would say "gobsmacked".  No wonder some of these weekly participants win frequently! 

But I think I may try entering the contest more often.  There are, apparently, anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand participants each week (some contests are trickier to get a grip on than others).

I am outrageously delighted with my "First Ink" and want another shot of INK!

Movies Again

I changed it enough to repost it...

You ever have one movie that you can just watch over and over?  It may seem odd, but for me it it "The Incredibles"; the 2004 animated Disney tale.  Mr Incredible is super strong, Mrs Incredible is super stretchy, Viola can become invisible, Dash can run superfast.  Baby Jack Jack only shows up latter as being able to change his body form and elemental structure. 

They aren't the regular superhero family.  They live in surburbia under a government "superhero protection program" because superheroism is banned due to the massive destruction to property.  Mr Incredible is an insurance adjuster (who quietly helps clients beat the company rules - well he IS a "good guy") going gradually insane from the restrictions.  Mrs Incredible is a seemingly happy mother and wife (and may be showing some angst there - Disney may not have been comfortable getting into that).  The kids have powers they have been taught not to use, but do (guiltily) at times in minor ways.

There is, of course, a villian.  "Syndrome" was rejected as a sidekick by Mr. Incredible years before (having no special powers) and becomes a tech mastermind in revenge.

Mr Incredible loses his job and seeks income when a secret message invites him to "help test weapons".  He sneaks off on a "business trip".  And he and then they get into some trouble involving Syndrome...

I can't describe everything;it would take all night.  But the action never ends, the morals of the story are great, and there are scenes I love over and over. 

Mr Incredible tells his wife (Elastigirl) that he is too weak.  Weak, because he thought he lost her once and he can't handle losing her again...

Elastigirl telling the kids that they aren't going to to die out in the ocean if they just trust her...

Dash learning he can run over water (coolest single scene ever)...

Viola the first time she made the energy field after failures.

Syndrome catching the 4 Incredibles (Jack Jack shows no super ability yet and is back at home) and focuses on Mr Incredible, but then sees Mrs Incredible and the matching uniforms.  "You married Elastigirl"?  Then realizes the 2 kids and says "And you got BUSY"!  Cracks me up every time...

But I can't help thinking they were a homage to the Marvel Fantastic Four.  The leader was strong (like The Thing).  Elastigirl was stretchy (like Mr Fantastic).  Viola was able to go invisible and create force fields (like Invisible Girl), and Dash was able to move real fast like The Torch.

I liked that too.

But mostly, the action is ON nonstop.  If you haven't seen, do.

I can watch that every couple weeks always.  For some years so far...

Not to distract from The Incredibles,  but speaking of scenes in CGI superhero movies, I would like to nominate one scene from an Avengers movie as "funniest".  Loki faces the Hulk and says something like "you can't defeat me, I'm a God".  Whereupon the Hulk grabs him by both feet and beats him back and forth on the floor like me trying to break a baseball bat on concrete in a fit of rage (an allusion, don't worry that never happened).  The resulting immortal Loki is left broken and wheezing noisily and pathetically.  The Hulk walks away muttering "Puny God". 

I laugh at that scene everytime too. 

Meat

Not sure why this came to mind, but I suddenly remembered this vaguely, and I had search far and wide to find it again.  Its why we haven't been contacted...


Imagine if you will... the Leader of the fifth Exploratory Force speaking to the Commander In Chief...

Leader:"They're made out of meat, Sir."
Commander:"Meat?"
Leader:"Meat. They're made out of meat."
Commander:"Meat?"
Leader:"There's no doubt about it. We picked several individuals from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
Commander:"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
Leader:"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
Commander:"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
Leader:"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
Commander:"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
Leader:"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
Commander:"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
Leader:"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
Commander:"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
Leader:"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
Commander:"No brain?"
Leader:"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
Commander:"So... what does the thinking?"
Leader:"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
Commander:"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
Leader:"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
Commander:"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
Leader:"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
Commander:"So what does the meat have in mind?"
Leader:"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
Commander:"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
Leader:"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
Commander:"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
Leader:"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
Commander:"I thought you just told me they used radio."
Leader:"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
Commander:"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
Leader:"Officially or unofficially?"
Commander:"Both."
Leader:"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
Commander:"I was hoping you would say that."
Leader:"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
Commander:"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
Leader: "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
Commander:"So, we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
Leader:"That's it."
Commander:"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
Leader:"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
Commander:"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
Leader:"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
Commander:"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone else interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
Leader:"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
Commander:"They always come around."
Leader:"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold, the universe would be if one were all alone."

I don't know why this one got dredged out of my memory, but I'm sure glad I found it again.

Holiday Tree

I should have known not to buy an artificial Holiday Tree!  I don't like artificial things all that much.  And I didn't even go shopping to get one.  I was at a DIY store to buy furnace filters weeks ago, and there were all these nice-looking artificial trees so nicely decorated.  Two thoughts came to mind.

First, I recalled memories of younger days with the family decorating the tree, and I thought a nice artificial one would be "satisfactory", convenient, and cost-effective over the years.

Secondly, I had had to empty the attic a few months ago to have the attic sealed and additional insulation sprayed in, so I had all these boxes of Holiday decorations stacked up in the cat room.  The decorations were on my list of things to keep or donate.

So I was looking at the trees in the store and thinking of the all the decorations I'd collected over the years and ON IMPULSE I bought an artificial tree.  Impulse purchases are not my habit, but by definition "impulse" is not planned.

I opened the box today, and it was NOT what I expected.  I EXPECTED a box of a dozen or so stacking rings of perfectly formed branches that would be ready to go with a simple plug-in (and me adding special ornaments and my bubble-lights.  Foolish me!

Instead, there are only 3 sections (of branches that DO hinge down, to be fair).  But each branch is as tightly squeezed into a tube-like shape as wrapping paper.  Each individual stem and twig has to be bent out into a realistic shape.  A quick estimate suggested there would be 100 branches of about 20 stems per branch and 20 twigs per branch (= 40,000 if you really do it right).

A sample branch of the middle section took 2 minutes to make look realistic.  So, 2 minutes times 100 branches = 200 minutes (or 3 hours and 20 minutes).  And adding in some time for discomfort caused by handling the prickly plastic needles, hand-cramps from all that bending of stems and twigs, and back-cramps from being bent over and around reaching them, I decided that was more than I wanted to do in order to have a Holiday Tree!

I re-evaluated my concerns over killing live trees.  I guess if I am perfectly willing to have chickens and turkeys raised just for the purpose of being killed for my eating pleasure, I can stand having a real tree grown and cut down for my decorating pleasure.  At least trees just use sunlight and produce oxygen.

Hey, I can rationalize my decisions with the best of them, LOL!

That's IF I get a real cut tree...  I probably will, but it's not definite tonight.  I haven't bought one for a decade, so there may be sticker-shock involved.  I have to think about this.

Its not like there are children or visitors who would see my tree.  But it HAS been years since I decorated and I DO have all the boxes of decorations out of the attic already.  And none of the cats has ever experienced a real tree in the house and that might be interesting.  Skeeter and LC (and the cats who came before) always seemed to enjoy them.

I could justify buying a real tree just for the cats, I suppose...  Hmm, yeah, that could work.  A tree just for the cats.  And they wouldn't mind if I decorated it with cheap plastic ornaments at the bottom where they could reach to whap them.  They'd LIKE that...  I'll put the "good" stuff higher up.

And the birds would like it too.  I used to dig a hole in the backyard to set the tree in after I was done with it inside.  The tree leaves a bare spot under it even when it snows and the birds LOVE picking at the seeds I toss under it.  I had almost forgotten about that.

So, well of course, I'm not buying a live dead tree for ME, I'm doing it for the cats and then the birds.  What could POSSIBLY be more noble?

Oh my goodness!  I better go shopping for a real tree ASAP.  The cats are waiting, and the birds will be happier into the New Year, and the New Year is something to celebrate too...

Mark

Men Are From... Camo?

I was shopping at Walmart yesterday.  I had a list.  I shop at Walmart for some brand-name items they happen to sell cheaper (cat litter, non-prescription drugs, vitamins, printer ink, calendars, etc).  I rarely buy anything not on my list (I am a relatively disciplined shopper).

But pushing the cart past the shoe department, I was stopped in my tracks.  I'll try to do a Ron White imitation here (I love his off-beat, low-key style)...*

They Call Me Camo Slippers

"So I was in the Walmart, the other day, and in Maryland, they can't sell liquor, so that was a bit weird.  But the printer ran out off all the ink at the same time, and I needed to print out Holiday cards and the Staples store wasn't open yet.  I'd been up all night destroying the Pogo.com Scrabble bots, and suddenly I felt a need to go buy kitty litter.  Yes, there was wine involved, isn't there always?

So there I was in a Walmart that doesn't sell wine in a State that doesn't allow it, and I carted past the shoe department and put the brakes on the cart.  There were slippers!  Now, I love my feet.  They mostly keep me upright, and with enough wine, that's a good trick!  I appreciate that...

I own a few pairs of slippers.  My favorite ones are the Hobbit slippers.  Bigger footprint - better standing up ability...

But these were CAMO!  I checked my internal inventory list and I was pretty sure I didn't have any camo slippers.  Then I checked my internal inventory list a 2nd time and it agreed with the 1st list.  Internal consistency in wonderful.  Not something that happens all that often for me.

Yep, I didn't have any camo slippers...

I HAD to have a pair.  Now, Walmart usually has only 2 sizes of anything.  XXL and small.  Fortunately, and as my several ex's have commented, "small" is about right for me.  You can argue about size all you want, but you can't fake shoe size and I'm a 7.5 (or an 8 with really thick socks).

Sorting through the 1,000 dozen XXL slippers, I found the 1 pair of small , and tried them on.  Which was rather easy; my favorite type of shoelace is "velcro" and my shoes mostly use those.  You can be too drunk to tie a shoelace but you can't be too drunk to use velcro.  Even a close try works.  It may have been invented for that purpose.  Sure, NASA says it was for astronauts with clumsy gloved hands, but I know better.  The astronauts were sniffing the fuel tanks for a lack of wine...

So I tried them on.  They didn't fit - they were actually too small, and I'm not used to that!  I bought them anyway.  Fortunately, there was paper stuffed in the toes.  Not unlike what I do with my pants personally when I go out to bars.  That can get awkward at times, but usually doesn't alter the course of the evening.

But I bought them because they were CAMO, and "camo" is to guys what "pink" is to women.  It defines us small macho types and suggests what is not really there.  Like pink lipstick, and rouge and all those things the women use to suggest what is not really there.  You KNOW what I mean...

I'm wearing the camo slippers now.  I feel MANLY!

Never mind that I am hardly invisible in the house because of the camo slippers.  You can't be invisible when you are wearing bright green golf pants and a red plaid shirt just because you are wearing camo slippers.  But you can PRETEND to be.  You can THINK you are invisible.  

Let's say a lion has crept into the house.  He knows you are there, SOMEWHERE.  But he can't find you because you are wearing your camo slippers!

So that's when you grab the ever-sharp Ginsu knife and slit its throat!

And THAT'S why I bought the camo slippers..."


* Everything except the camo slippers is completely fictional... 
Everything except the camo slippers is completely fictional...
Everything except the camo slippers is completely fictional...

This started by me wondering why men love camo clothes (and I do) and sort of took on a life of it's own.  And there IS something about camo that men love.  Hope you all enjoyed it... 

A Little Political Humor

I'm a bit of a political nerd, so I hope these make sense (and I like VP Biden a lot)...


If VP Joe Biden became President in 2016...

1.  "Air Force One" would be a train.  To Delaware.
2.  Late night comedians would surge in the Neilson Ratings.  Joe is a constant source of gaffes.
3.  His White House Security name would be "VEEP".
4.  He would be conciliatory; he likes both chocolate AND vanilla ice cream on his cones.
5.  The official White House drink would be a non-tini (Joe doesn't drink alcohol).
6.  New national food craze - PASTA.  Joe loves pasta.
7.  Hillary appointed New York State dog-catcher.
8.  Then appointed Supreme Court Chief Justice (because Joe is a Nice Guy).
9.  National Capital moved to Wilmington Delaware ("Weekly Air Force One Train transporatation costs too high, says POTUS Biden").
10. Republicans announce support for Biden, "he's Our Kind Of Guy - white, male, and old" they declare.
11.  Southern Republicans go step further, "He's darn near a 'good ole boy' they say".
12.  Political partisanship ends, criminals reform, cancer is cured, Mars colony established, Al Gore retroactively recognized as 43rd President.  Bill Clinton resigns as VP to make room for Gore.
13 Vulcans arrive and invite Earth to join the Federation.  Bill Clinton elected World Representative.  Putin reduced to attacking neighboring nations in Risk Tournaments only.  Republicans disband party...

Thursday 13

You Are In Late Middle Age When...

1.  You go out to call all the cats in at dusk and they line up at the deck door.  From INSIDE!

2.  You read a comic strip about twerking and your not quite sure what they are talking about.

3.  You research something on the internet and you realize you are following links in a circle after seeing the same one a third time.

4.  The Houdini wine bottle cork screw remover "works" but you have to take the cork off the screw manually.

5.  You side with all the middle-aged comic strip characters and only "sort of" get the joke.

6.  You don't listen to your old CDs any more.  The songs are all earworms anyway.

7.  You get out of bed in the morning wondering which joint will "feel odd" when your feet hit the floor.

8.  You go to bed not because you are tired, but because you are bored.

9.  You buy some sports thing because "I used to do that".

10. You keep product boxes in the attic because you might move and they would be perfect for packing those things up.  And you threw those products away 10 years ago.

11. You haven't gone out to celebrate New Years Eve because, well, who wants to stay up that late, really?

12. Conversely, you decide that celebrating New Years Morning really makes more sense.

13. You make lists about being Late Middle Aged...

Funniest Jokes

Since I will be pretty loopy and really unhappy after the tooth extraction at 2 pm today, I am leaving the 4 best jokes I ever heard, for your amusement.  I'll be back online Friday (I hope) or Saturday (If things are difficult) when the extraction heals and I don't have the painkiller pills messing up my mind...

Laughter is sometimes the best medicine...

1.  Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911s. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's actually dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


2.  Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tent for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

	Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
	Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
	Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
	Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
	Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

3.  Two guys are in the woods when they see a grizzly bear running towards them. The first guy runs away and the other follows.

Surprised, the other man says " What are you thinking, we can't outrun a bear!  The first guy says "I just have to outrun you." 

4.  A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...

"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises." 

Hope you liked them