I
just received The Call from my sister yesterday. Dad is dead; my sister
was pretty upset, but she’s been keeping the vigil there. I've been
expecting this call for months, but it doesn't make the reality any
different. For whatever it means, I am suddenly the oldest person in my
immediate family.
How
to you interpret news like that? It's not like I'm the patrirach or
anything. Sister is the executrix of dad's estate but mostly because she
was nearest to him in his last year at the assisted living home, and she has some experience at this stuff.
According to family traditions, there will be a cremation. I suppose as
eldest, I might get his ashes. Well, I have Mom's, they might as well be
together. Each of us kids have our own lives. I mourn of course, but
it wasn't unexpected. I even expected it earlier. Dad was
physically incapable, in diapers, and demented. I think he no longer knew
who he was. I consider his dying a relief from the struggle to continue
living. He didn’t want to keep surviving, himself. It was kidney failure at the end. He was 92.
But
beyond that, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, if anything. We don't have a
family tradition of funerals. Dad will be cremated, and since I have
Mom's ashes, I will probably receive Dad's.
I
wrote the obituary. Its hard to
pack a life into a short space. So
that’s why I’m writing now. He
deserves more than an inch on newspaper column space…
Where
to start? Well, when I was a child, Dad was the most perfect person (next
to Mom, of course). He was the fixer of things, the person who built
things, the person who just taught me how to DO stuff. He knew
EVERYTHING, until I was about 16.
Fast-forward
some years... Dad wasn't the genius when I was 30 that I thought he was
when I was 10. Well, who is? I had my own thoughts at 30, and they
weren't Dad's. Some guys have the same political views as their
Dad. I didn't. Mom and Dad were at my house when Barrack Obama was
elected in 2006. I cheered while Dad declared Obama "the most
dangerous man on Earth".
I
won't discuss our different political views other than to say Dad said
"sink or swim" (and he meant it) and I said "I won't watch
someone drown".
For
all my adult life, I have had imaginary arguments with Dad in the privacy of my
own home. I always won those arguments of course. But there will be
no more even imaginary arguments now. He's gone. It is hard to imagine that.
He
had great strengths and talents. I feel stupid trying to even list them,
and I can't do him proper justice. He was an engineer and could build
about damn near anything he wanted to build. My early life was enriched
by things Dad built. 30 years ago, I had the opportunity to visit the
house we lived in in the 1950s. The stone wall he built was still
standing solid and proud (and I’m sure that, at 8 years old “I helped”). There was no one home, and I decided not
to trespass. I wish someone had been there to talk to. But I did look at the
yard through Google Earth and some of the 1950’s work is still there. My friends joke about me that I
"over-enginneer" everything I build. Well, I have a tradition
to maintain.
Dad
built ships during WWII and started college when he was 20 and met Mom at the
Univ of NH when she was a freshman (freshwoman?). She said she didn't
date men who didn't play golf. So he learned to play golf. And with
his usual determination, he was a 0 handicap golfer in a few years. Damn
he could hit a golf ball perfectly. It would start off low and then rise
as it went straight down the fairway as if drawn on the golf map with a
ruler.
He
succeeded in almost everything he turned his attention to but he failed at
some. He was a terrible gardener , for example – Never paid much
attention to the soil because there was FERTILIZER! I learned my organic habits from Grampa. Dad was bad at
most cards, too. You could practically see his tail wag when he had a good
poker hand. His Mom was a demon card-player; Dad didn't get those genes
(so neither did I). But he was a killer at any game that involved
logic. You could not beat him at Clue, for example. He had a SYSTEM for showing cards (took me a year ta figure it out). And we both got so competitive at
stadium checkers together that we could call every marble drop for a full 360
degree ring rotation. Ruthless at cribbage, but I finally got about even with him by the time I left for college.
Logic
isn't strategy though. Mom taught me chess and when she couldn't beat me
at it anymore at age 10, she turned me over to Dad, who, when he couldn't beat
me by age 12, decided it was a stupid game and never played me at it
again. Yeah, some Father/Son dynamics there. Dad never had any
sense of board strategy. Hey, he was a engineer. He wanted RULES to figure out, and strategy isn't about "rules".
But
I owe him so much. I know guys who can't drill a hole in a board because
their dads didn't know how or never showed them. But I do. Yet he was better at it at 30 than I am
now at 64. Engineers study
“perfection”. I was a Political
Science major and “What Works” was good enough.
He
hated the way I played golf. He was methodical and I "went for
it". Golf course cards show straight lines to where par shots should
go. He lived by those lines. I didn’t. Sometimes MY ball went into the deep woods, but sometimes I
could slice a 5 iron 200 yards and it landed on the sweet spot of the green
while he did his usual methodical single-digit handicap round. Drove him
crazy... But in 1988, I had the hot round of my life in the rain, and we
won his Club's Member/Guest tournament. Proud moment for us both. Literally, “different strokes for
different folks”, LOL! Also the last time we ever played golf together. He couldn't stop trying to "improve" my game (make it like his) and I was done letting him try.
I'll
never be an engineer like Dad. But he taught me enough that there is darn
near nothing I'm afraid to try. There's a fence surrounding the whole
back yard, a 2 layer deck, and a toolshed (among other stuff) to prove
that. And he taught me a basic rule. "If you need a hole in
the ground, you dig one". Which means, do what needs to be done, and
sometimes plain hard work is important and pays off.
He
taught me how to hunt. I don't anymore for personal reasons, but I know
how to. Because of Dad, I can follow a trail of faint drips of blood
every few yards through the woods. If things went bad, I would not
starve. But there is more to the
hunting story. When I was 15, Dad
decided that shooting deer with guns was “just too easy”. So we (Dad, Me, and Matt) took up using
bows. I wasn’t really good with a
bow (can’t recall about about Matt and I apologize for that).
They
say you practice something 10,000 times and you get good at it. Dad did, I didn’t. Hey, I was having more fun playing
football with friends. But he had
an advantage. In 1966, he was 44;
I was 16. He used a 60 LB bow
with a 30” draw. I could only use
a 45 LB draw bow at 26”. At 16, I
was smaller and weaker than he was.
He was 5’10” and 170 pounds, I was 5’4” and 125. Stronger bow and longer draw makes the
arrow trajectory flatter and faster (meaning way easier to aim). He could hit a 10” paper plate 80% of
the time and didn’t miss the other 20% by much. I was lucky to get 30%. But I was game and decent in the woods (Matt was better in
nature). But it was also because
he just practiced more.
Dad
could always get a deer the first time we went out. But I did have a talent and there were raised stands at some
places we hunted. I could stand silently for hours. I did well on
those. One spot where I stood in
the rain all morning, a single deer came by right under the stand. I almost (REALLY) jumped on it from
above holding a arrow to spear it.
I still regret I didn’t. It
would have been a family story for 2 generations. But I shot straight down and it drove the deer to the
ground.
And
it got up and ran away and we never found it. I was shocked, and so was Dad. And while searching for it, I lifted a leg over a fallen
tree and stabbed my self deeply on my very sharp 3 bladed hunting arrow
head. End of hunting for that
year.
The
next year, I was hunting with a friend of Dad’s, had a long shot at a doe, hit
her right in the heart and she dropped like a rock.
But
this is not about me. I’m telling
you that so I can tell you this about Dad. When Dad decided we should start bow hunting, he went all
the way. Well, almost, we didn’t make
our own bows. But we made our
bowstrings and arrows. And Dad
designed and built stuff to do that from scratch. He made an adjustable bowstring maker with knobs to twist
the bowstrings in 2 directions, a metal spool holder to twist heavy thread around
the bowstring at the nocking point, a cutter template for making leather
bowstring silencers, a gadget to attach feathers in a very slightly curved arc
around the arrow, and even a heated metal wire to burn off excess feathers down
to an aerodynamically perfect shape.
I came up with the idea of heating arrow nocks in hot water then
squeezing them on a popsicle stick so that they barely held on to the bowstring
but released easily.
Yeah,
there’s a “like father like son” thing going on too. But the point is, he created ideas in his mind and then just
casually went and BUILT them. I have to work HARD to do that, and I don't do it as well.
I
recall Mom saying a few times that Dad endeared himself to her parents. He would visit for a date and would
spend an hour just “fixing things around the house “. Bad light switch, radio antenna, leaky basement pipe,
etc. Drove her crazy at first, and
apparently they arrived at movies and dances late sometimes. And while impressing “the parents” is
not the usual way to win a woman’s love, it WAS “some guy who was not her Dad or my
brothers”, and seems to have worked.
And
there was some religion involved.
Mom’s family was ferociously French Catholic. As she used to say she was taught “If you were BAD, you went
to Hell. If you were worse, you
became a Protestant" But she
didn’t like that idea very much and Dad was a Protestant (of no particular
group – I think his Mom was a Quaker).
So
in spite of the fact that her parents liked Dad a Whole Lot, they threw her out
of the church for marrying a Protestant.
And amazingly, they were happy all their lives in spite of that. And I mean, as close as I can tell as a
child living at home, and as an adult afterwards, they were happier together
than any 2 people I have ever met. Things worked out VERY well...
One thing I can say for sure; I wouldn't be the person I am today without both of them...
