Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Monday, August 6, 2012
Dad, Walking
I love it when Dad walks around the yard. He stops to look at the flowers.
And he goes back to look where the groundhogs burrow. He remembers things about groundhogs. Like how they sit up when you whistle at them. That's from a long way in his past, but he DOES know that groundhogs annoy my around my garden, so he thinks to look for them out back often.
Not that he could sneak up on one and see it, but its the thought that counts...
He likes this chair in the shade of the saucer magnolia tree. I missed him sitting in it, but you can see that he is just getting up from it.
I don't want to be too obvious taking pictures of him. He doesn't like being seen hunched over, but that is his reality these days. I just accept it.
Love you, Dad...
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Hmm...
I don't want it to sound all negative. There are good points. Dad appreciates my cooking. I make him laugh with my rather casual references to his age and infirmities. Yes, that can be funny. We both know that neither of us will live forever, and when I make a joke about it, he can smile.
I don't mean that getting very old and staring death in the face is funny, but there are small things he can accept when I make light of them.
He falls, and I say that I set the gravity meter wrong again. When he struggles to sign his name on a check, I tell him I gave him the trick pen again. When the cats get in the way of his feet, I say they just want him on the floor so he can give them scritchies. When he sees his annuity check on the monthly bank statement, sometimes I ask him how long he thinks I can get away with it going in there after the Caddies take him to that great golf course in the sky.
Dad knows he is old and fading. I know he is old and fading. There isn't a way around that. Perhaps the best thing I can do is just make things easier for him as long as I can. A little humor helps. And I am a bit surprised he smiles at my jokes. I know what I am doing, and HE knows what I am doing. He's not stupid, just old.
He is fading. He's walking worse than when he arrived here 10 weeks ago. He knows it is harder for him to even sign a check when I even write it out for him. He knows he is sleeping in the chair in front of the TV (but not how much more often than 2 months ago). He knows what being 90 means.
For the first time, he is examining the walker. He asked if I would carry it outside for him to use. "Would I" is almost insulting, but I know he doesn't mean it that way. What he means is "I need this, and I know you will help me. WHEN I finally ask you." I understand that.
I record some of his strangest statements, I take the few pictures I can. I'm only trying to record his last days for family. And hekp him the best I can.
I'm lucky in this. I lived alone. I was retired. I was well-off myself. I had free time. I was the obvious right place for Dad to be in his final years until he needs professional assistance. And that time is not yet.
That doesn't mean that Dad isn't often confused (and CONFUSING) a lot of times. Helping him pay his bills is maddening sometimes. But we get through it. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't rather live alone again. That doesn't mean that the cats wouldn't rather have just ME around. I don't have to shove at them with a foot in order to get them out of my way like Dad does. I mean, they really DO get in his way deliberately to seek attention. THEY don't know he can't just walk around them like I do.
Dad has his brighter moments. Today, he remembered the speed of light while I had an astronomy CD on, and I was surprised. Sometimes, he sees the flaws in political arguments of his favored side (Republican). Not often, but sometimes. When he asked how I "monitored the deck for failure" (which confused me at first), he also understood that my 16" joists (every other joist double thick) made it less likely that the deck would fail and he felt easier about walking out on the deck. I love those bright moments when he is still analytic... There are thoughts in the old brain yet. And I will keep engaging him in any areas he can still think about.
We continue, two aging guys living together as long as I can manage it... Him seeing his past in me, and me seeing my future in him.
I don't mean that getting very old and staring death in the face is funny, but there are small things he can accept when I make light of them.
He falls, and I say that I set the gravity meter wrong again. When he struggles to sign his name on a check, I tell him I gave him the trick pen again. When the cats get in the way of his feet, I say they just want him on the floor so he can give them scritchies. When he sees his annuity check on the monthly bank statement, sometimes I ask him how long he thinks I can get away with it going in there after the Caddies take him to that great golf course in the sky.
Dad knows he is old and fading. I know he is old and fading. There isn't a way around that. Perhaps the best thing I can do is just make things easier for him as long as I can. A little humor helps. And I am a bit surprised he smiles at my jokes. I know what I am doing, and HE knows what I am doing. He's not stupid, just old.
He is fading. He's walking worse than when he arrived here 10 weeks ago. He knows it is harder for him to even sign a check when I even write it out for him. He knows he is sleeping in the chair in front of the TV (but not how much more often than 2 months ago). He knows what being 90 means.
For the first time, he is examining the walker. He asked if I would carry it outside for him to use. "Would I" is almost insulting, but I know he doesn't mean it that way. What he means is "I need this, and I know you will help me. WHEN I finally ask you." I understand that.
I record some of his strangest statements, I take the few pictures I can. I'm only trying to record his last days for family. And hekp him the best I can.
I'm lucky in this. I lived alone. I was retired. I was well-off myself. I had free time. I was the obvious right place for Dad to be in his final years until he needs professional assistance. And that time is not yet.
That doesn't mean that Dad isn't often confused (and CONFUSING) a lot of times. Helping him pay his bills is maddening sometimes. But we get through it. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't rather live alone again. That doesn't mean that the cats wouldn't rather have just ME around. I don't have to shove at them with a foot in order to get them out of my way like Dad does. I mean, they really DO get in his way deliberately to seek attention. THEY don't know he can't just walk around them like I do.
Dad has his brighter moments. Today, he remembered the speed of light while I had an astronomy CD on, and I was surprised. Sometimes, he sees the flaws in political arguments of his favored side (Republican). Not often, but sometimes. When he asked how I "monitored the deck for failure" (which confused me at first), he also understood that my 16" joists (every other joist double thick) made it less likely that the deck would fail and he felt easier about walking out on the deck. I love those bright moments when he is still analytic... There are thoughts in the old brain yet. And I will keep engaging him in any areas he can still think about.
We continue, two aging guys living together as long as I can manage it... Him seeing his past in me, and me seeing my future in him.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Living With Dad, 13
The good news... Dad thought to ask about his tax forms.
The bad news, he thinks he has to add Maryland forms this year because he moved in with me this year, and he is looking around his duffel bags for 2012 forms. Why does he have to ask my these difficult questions while I am trying to prepare dinner?
More good news... He took out the walker and looked it over carefuly.
The bad news... He wonders how much he could get selling it.
Good news, he thinks he might need to try using the walker. Never mind that he thought of selling it.
You know, its a good thing I have a base in sci-fi. Where strange things happen. I feel oddly well-equipped for surprises.
Aside from all that, Dad sleeps in the chair in front of the TV a lot more than he realizes. More than when he first arrived here too. He probably sleeps in bed more than he thinks he does. He says he doesn't sleep at night (and I have no way of telling), but he doesn't know that he sleeps during the day. So maybe he sleeps a lot at night and never knows.
He says he gets up many times at night. But, quite frankly, I would know. The hall floorboards squeak. I've lived alone so long that any little sound in the house registers on me. I know when the cats walk into the room. Sometimes he is so soundly asleep and quiet for hours that I go to his door and listen for him breathing.
Maybe one night, he won't be...
This is all entirely weird to me. I still can't quite get used to the idea of someone else living in the house all the time. Just having someone else in the house is strange enough, but being responsible for that person is "strange squared".
The bad news, he thinks he has to add Maryland forms this year because he moved in with me this year, and he is looking around his duffel bags for 2012 forms. Why does he have to ask my these difficult questions while I am trying to prepare dinner?
More good news... He took out the walker and looked it over carefuly.
The bad news... He wonders how much he could get selling it.
Good news, he thinks he might need to try using the walker. Never mind that he thought of selling it.
You know, its a good thing I have a base in sci-fi. Where strange things happen. I feel oddly well-equipped for surprises.
Aside from all that, Dad sleeps in the chair in front of the TV a lot more than he realizes. More than when he first arrived here too. He probably sleeps in bed more than he thinks he does. He says he doesn't sleep at night (and I have no way of telling), but he doesn't know that he sleeps during the day. So maybe he sleeps a lot at night and never knows.
He says he gets up many times at night. But, quite frankly, I would know. The hall floorboards squeak. I've lived alone so long that any little sound in the house registers on me. I know when the cats walk into the room. Sometimes he is so soundly asleep and quiet for hours that I go to his door and listen for him breathing.
Maybe one night, he won't be...
This is all entirely weird to me. I still can't quite get used to the idea of someone else living in the house all the time. Just having someone else in the house is strange enough, but being responsible for that person is "strange squared".
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Living With Dad, 12
Dad keeps complaining that he can't sleep at night. I find that hard to believe. He probably doesn't realize how much he sleeps. He falls asleep in the chair in front of the TV a dozen times a day (that I notice) for about 20 minutes at a time. So he probably sleeps more in bed than he realizes.
His awareness of sleeping is iffy. He often denies it when I've been right there seeing him wake up. It's hard to miss. The downward angle of the head, the non-responsiveness to my walking around him, etc.
He responds to what I assume are dreams as if reality. He will suddenly wake up and go "answer" the door, or the telephone. Or he will suddenly ask what I asked for help with (when I was just sitting quietly.
He may be reverting to his childcare years, too. He will suddenly ask toward the end of a meal if I have had enough to eat. At the end of a recent dinner, he asked if I needed butter. At least he hasn't asked me if I need to go to the bathroom...
He is having trouble not falling down when he walks (fell twice this week). He has a walker and a roller, but I can't get him to use those yet. He doesn't hurt himself (well, maybe it is more of a collapse to the floor than a real fall), but I'm going to have to insist soon. My plan is to get him to use them for brief outside walks first, then back and forth exercise hallway walks in the house, then finally for everytime use. I understand that the walker represents another loss of ability that he resents, so I don't want to just say "every time, NOW"! It wouldn't work.
At least he maintains a healthy appetite. And nutritionally, he is probably better off than anytime before in his life. I don't say that lightly. HIS Mom was a very good cook and MY Mom was a good cook, but neither of them had any idea of "balanced meals" (his idea of properly-cooked vegetables are "boiled to death". Gramma might have made GREAT chicken and dumplings, but that doesn't make a balanced meal. Mom provided vegetables with each meal, but that's where his idea of "boiled to death" vegetables came from. Heck, I never knew veggies could be cooked less than "mushable" until I went off to college and started to learn to cook for myself and discovered "steaming".
So, for the last 2 months, Dad has been getting a lunch sandwich that has lots on lettuce and some onion along with the meat (and he LIKES them). For dinner, there is some fresh meat (usually baked or braised), a tossed salad, a potato (he insists), a green veggie and a yellow/orange veggie. He always says it is "too much" but he eats it all. I am going to try reds, like beets, next. One change at a time...
He was basically just eating hotdogs, frozen fish, bread, and ice cream before I got him up here with me. Easy to prepare in the M/V.
Still, I know I'm just sticking a finger in the dike. Things will get worse. He will REALLY start falling, will lose appetite, REALLY not sleep (or sleep much of the day), have routine audio and visual hallucinations. His conversation already makes little sense SOMETIMES, one day it will make no sense MOST of the time...
A part of me wants to observe this carefully so that I have a better understanding of what is to come for me. But I'm not sure how useful such knowledge would be. When that time comes, I won't remember these days.
Que sera, sera...
His awareness of sleeping is iffy. He often denies it when I've been right there seeing him wake up. It's hard to miss. The downward angle of the head, the non-responsiveness to my walking around him, etc.
He responds to what I assume are dreams as if reality. He will suddenly wake up and go "answer" the door, or the telephone. Or he will suddenly ask what I asked for help with (when I was just sitting quietly.
He may be reverting to his childcare years, too. He will suddenly ask toward the end of a meal if I have had enough to eat. At the end of a recent dinner, he asked if I needed butter. At least he hasn't asked me if I need to go to the bathroom...
He is having trouble not falling down when he walks (fell twice this week). He has a walker and a roller, but I can't get him to use those yet. He doesn't hurt himself (well, maybe it is more of a collapse to the floor than a real fall), but I'm going to have to insist soon. My plan is to get him to use them for brief outside walks first, then back and forth exercise hallway walks in the house, then finally for everytime use. I understand that the walker represents another loss of ability that he resents, so I don't want to just say "every time, NOW"! It wouldn't work.
At least he maintains a healthy appetite. And nutritionally, he is probably better off than anytime before in his life. I don't say that lightly. HIS Mom was a very good cook and MY Mom was a good cook, but neither of them had any idea of "balanced meals" (his idea of properly-cooked vegetables are "boiled to death". Gramma might have made GREAT chicken and dumplings, but that doesn't make a balanced meal. Mom provided vegetables with each meal, but that's where his idea of "boiled to death" vegetables came from. Heck, I never knew veggies could be cooked less than "mushable" until I went off to college and started to learn to cook for myself and discovered "steaming".
So, for the last 2 months, Dad has been getting a lunch sandwich that has lots on lettuce and some onion along with the meat (and he LIKES them). For dinner, there is some fresh meat (usually baked or braised), a tossed salad, a potato (he insists), a green veggie and a yellow/orange veggie. He always says it is "too much" but he eats it all. I am going to try reds, like beets, next. One change at a time...
He was basically just eating hotdogs, frozen fish, bread, and ice cream before I got him up here with me. Easy to prepare in the M/V.
Still, I know I'm just sticking a finger in the dike. Things will get worse. He will REALLY start falling, will lose appetite, REALLY not sleep (or sleep much of the day), have routine audio and visual hallucinations. His conversation already makes little sense SOMETIMES, one day it will make no sense MOST of the time...
A part of me wants to observe this carefully so that I have a better understanding of what is to come for me. But I'm not sure how useful such knowledge would be. When that time comes, I won't remember these days.
Que sera, sera...
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Living With Dad, 11
Mail time is ambiguous here. Mail addressed to Dad keeps him occupied for an hour. But afterwards, it keeps ME occupied for a couple hours explaining it to him. Most of his mail is irrelevant (monthly investment statements, some is true junk, but some is important. I won't filter his mail [well, I trash some donation requests that hit him up for more money every month just because he gave them money the previous month; he thinks the requests from the fire and police departments are "bills" and they are taking advantage of his confusion].
But it's the legitimate documents that cause the hardest problems. Monthly bank statements, investment statements, actual bills for services to the previous FL house... It can take an hour per bank statement, a half hour to pay a single bill, and something like a property tax bill is good for a day (because he wants to ask really odd questions that have obvious answers to ME but he doesn't understand).
Dad has resigned himself to accepting my "novel idea" of filing folders by subject ("water". "electric", "property tax", etc), bank names, investment company names, property locations, mainly because I simply went and DID IT one weekend. He still doesn't understand it, but then, he can't recall the names of his electric or water company, so generic is the only choice...
So I've taken over the organization of his records. I had little choice. He had them all by month (sort of) and couldn't find anything. When he first had his duffel bag, briefcase, and two fat folders of documents, I asked him to find his birth certificate, It took him 2 hours. Now there is a file for that. And of course, files for about everything else.
Today was the 4th or 5th time I've shown him the file folders I made "for the first time" to his mind. I'm getting used to the idea that some things are new to him every time I mention them. Well, maybe I should say "getting resigned to the idea". I'm still always surprised by what he forgets from even one day to the next.
I do want readers to understand that I do not take this lightly. Sometimes with a bit of tolerant humor (beats crying out loud), but never "lightly". I understand that Dad's present is my future... It doesn't look like a lot of fun. Mine may be worse. Dad has me (and 2 other children and some grandchildren. I don't. When I, and my brother and sister, are Dad's age, they will have adult children but I will only have nieces and a nephew. Adults don't take care of Uncles like they do Parents. I better hope for some major medical or technological advances (like mind transplants to robots). Or I am going to have to just go to sleep on the deck some Winter night and not wake up.
Today's odd moments: Dad received junk mail from some investment firm, and assumed that meant he had an account with them. He couldn't figure out how to fill out the enrollment form (since he assumed he was already enrolled). I had to go through all the files, one by one, to show him there wasn't a file for that company. Then HE had to go through all the unsorted junk in his briefcase searching for a reference to that company.
THEN he decided maybe he should take cash out of savings and invest with them. So I had to spend a half hour reminding him that he just cashed in some decent CDs in order to have "cash on hand" for medical emergencies, so he shouldn't make new investments. Its tiring, and I can't get anything useful done around the house while he is fussing about this kind of stuff.
I should filter his mail, but I can't get myself to do that yet. He has a right to open and read it; it is my responsibility to guide him in deciding what to do. But I will probably have to do that soon. His memory for even simple daily things is going.
Multiple odd events: Tonight, he couldn't remember how to make a martini, his several nightly drinks for decades. I knew, though I never liked a martini in my life. His is equal shot gin and dry vermouth in a small juice glass, over ice. Doesn't seem like the James Bond martini, but whatever he likes is his business. I took a spoonful of one a week ago; it was HORRIBLE! I like my self-named Cavebear Slings (shot gin, shot Pomegranate Liquor, 2 shots real pomegranate juice over ice, fill with ginger ale). If you like fruit-oriented drinks, try it.
But he couldn't remember how to make the drink he has liked for 60 years!
Another odd event was that I put his tossed salad on the table (I always make a tossed salad). He asked if I had put gravy on the salad (yeah, he confuses words like gravy and dressing, and sometimes he says "sauce"). Anyone would look at it and know I hadn't, but he can't think of doing that these days. That's a bad sign. On the other hand, at least when he uses the wrong word for something, it is a related word. It would be worse if he had asked if I added "marbles" to the salad.
And I'm not relating these confusions on his part to make fun. It's serious. I'm writing about this so that I have a record of them. I need to understand where his memory is failing and where it is still functioning. Partly, I want a dated record of such confusions, but mostly so that I can understand where I can trust his memory and where I can't.
That matters because I don't have the best memory in the world. I never have. Do you recall math and science classes in high school where you mostly memorized formulas and diagrams to use them on tests and then mostly forgot them afterwards? I could never remember the formulas. I had to mostly figure them out each time from scratch and a few recollections. I got "Bs" in spite of that. I'm also not very good at remembering names or what I said in the previous email. I remember faces very well. I can pass someone and know that I "know" them. No name comes to mind though...
I bet my memory is worse than Dad's before I am his age. I see it coming...
So I am probably going to lose my memory sooner than Dad. That's scary, but probably inevitable.
But it's the legitimate documents that cause the hardest problems. Monthly bank statements, investment statements, actual bills for services to the previous FL house... It can take an hour per bank statement, a half hour to pay a single bill, and something like a property tax bill is good for a day (because he wants to ask really odd questions that have obvious answers to ME but he doesn't understand).
Dad has resigned himself to accepting my "novel idea" of filing folders by subject ("water". "electric", "property tax", etc), bank names, investment company names, property locations, mainly because I simply went and DID IT one weekend. He still doesn't understand it, but then, he can't recall the names of his electric or water company, so generic is the only choice...
So I've taken over the organization of his records. I had little choice. He had them all by month (sort of) and couldn't find anything. When he first had his duffel bag, briefcase, and two fat folders of documents, I asked him to find his birth certificate, It took him 2 hours. Now there is a file for that. And of course, files for about everything else.
Today was the 4th or 5th time I've shown him the file folders I made "for the first time" to his mind. I'm getting used to the idea that some things are new to him every time I mention them. Well, maybe I should say "getting resigned to the idea". I'm still always surprised by what he forgets from even one day to the next.
I do want readers to understand that I do not take this lightly. Sometimes with a bit of tolerant humor (beats crying out loud), but never "lightly". I understand that Dad's present is my future... It doesn't look like a lot of fun. Mine may be worse. Dad has me (and 2 other children and some grandchildren. I don't. When I, and my brother and sister, are Dad's age, they will have adult children but I will only have nieces and a nephew. Adults don't take care of Uncles like they do Parents. I better hope for some major medical or technological advances (like mind transplants to robots). Or I am going to have to just go to sleep on the deck some Winter night and not wake up.
Today's odd moments: Dad received junk mail from some investment firm, and assumed that meant he had an account with them. He couldn't figure out how to fill out the enrollment form (since he assumed he was already enrolled). I had to go through all the files, one by one, to show him there wasn't a file for that company. Then HE had to go through all the unsorted junk in his briefcase searching for a reference to that company.
THEN he decided maybe he should take cash out of savings and invest with them. So I had to spend a half hour reminding him that he just cashed in some decent CDs in order to have "cash on hand" for medical emergencies, so he shouldn't make new investments. Its tiring, and I can't get anything useful done around the house while he is fussing about this kind of stuff.
I should filter his mail, but I can't get myself to do that yet. He has a right to open and read it; it is my responsibility to guide him in deciding what to do. But I will probably have to do that soon. His memory for even simple daily things is going.
Multiple odd events: Tonight, he couldn't remember how to make a martini, his several nightly drinks for decades. I knew, though I never liked a martini in my life. His is equal shot gin and dry vermouth in a small juice glass, over ice. Doesn't seem like the James Bond martini, but whatever he likes is his business. I took a spoonful of one a week ago; it was HORRIBLE! I like my self-named Cavebear Slings (shot gin, shot Pomegranate Liquor, 2 shots real pomegranate juice over ice, fill with ginger ale). If you like fruit-oriented drinks, try it.
But he couldn't remember how to make the drink he has liked for 60 years!
Another odd event was that I put his tossed salad on the table (I always make a tossed salad). He asked if I had put gravy on the salad (yeah, he confuses words like gravy and dressing, and sometimes he says "sauce"). Anyone would look at it and know I hadn't, but he can't think of doing that these days. That's a bad sign. On the other hand, at least when he uses the wrong word for something, it is a related word. It would be worse if he had asked if I added "marbles" to the salad.
And I'm not relating these confusions on his part to make fun. It's serious. I'm writing about this so that I have a record of them. I need to understand where his memory is failing and where it is still functioning. Partly, I want a dated record of such confusions, but mostly so that I can understand where I can trust his memory and where I can't.
That matters because I don't have the best memory in the world. I never have. Do you recall math and science classes in high school where you mostly memorized formulas and diagrams to use them on tests and then mostly forgot them afterwards? I could never remember the formulas. I had to mostly figure them out each time from scratch and a few recollections. I got "Bs" in spite of that. I'm also not very good at remembering names or what I said in the previous email. I remember faces very well. I can pass someone and know that I "know" them. No name comes to mind though...
I bet my memory is worse than Dad's before I am his age. I see it coming...
So I am probably going to lose my memory sooner than Dad. That's scary, but probably inevitable.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Living With Dad, 10
I wonder how long it takes before I realize that asking Dad to make simple decisions is just wrong? I really try to allow him to make as many decisions as he wants to. He has preferences. I eat my dinner in several bowls, Dad likes his food all in one large plate. I like to eat dinner watching TV, he likes to eat at a "proper table". So I always try to ask him what he whats.
It never occurred to me that he doesn't WANT to (or really can't) make decisions. I thought I was being considerate; I was making things hard for him.
He doesn't want to make decisions, and I have had a hard time grasping that. I thought "deciding" small things for himself would be the last thing he would give up. I was wrong...
Today, I was making the lunch sandwiches and Dad asked if he could help. Of course I said "yes"! Anything to make him feel useful (and, yes, I recognize a patronization about that). But, for almost 2 months, we have had sandwiches for lunch on medium size plates. One half a sandwich, with some pickle, carrot sticks, pickle, etc. So Dad decided to get out the plates. Coffee saucers... Then said "How will we fit the potato chips on this"? I said they wouldn't fit, so he brought out bowls. I mentioned that he likes plates for his sandwich.
I should have shut up. He got upset and said "I don't know what to use, I'll use whatever you tell me to use"!!!
He was right. He is depending on me now to make even simple decisions for him. And I didn't quite realize to what degree he was expecting/needing that.
He's my Dad. I want him to make decisions for himself even if they are very minor decisions. I guess I had in mind that it was GOOD for him to make some decisions. Thinking back over the past few weeks, I realize he doesn't WANT me to ask him whether he wants green beans or broccoli with his dinner. Even that decision is too challenging.
It's ironic. I've lived my life making my own decisions, and deliberately NOT trying to influence other peoples' decisions (except in a few ways like politics I'll avoid here). And now I'm being asked to do just that.
I mean all this just as an example. I could have used towels in the bathroom, or which shoes to wear.
I guess I have to learn to JUST DO IT around Dad and trust to my judgement...
It never occurred to me that he doesn't WANT to (or really can't) make decisions. I thought I was being considerate; I was making things hard for him.
He doesn't want to make decisions, and I have had a hard time grasping that. I thought "deciding" small things for himself would be the last thing he would give up. I was wrong...
Today, I was making the lunch sandwiches and Dad asked if he could help. Of course I said "yes"! Anything to make him feel useful (and, yes, I recognize a patronization about that). But, for almost 2 months, we have had sandwiches for lunch on medium size plates. One half a sandwich, with some pickle, carrot sticks, pickle, etc. So Dad decided to get out the plates. Coffee saucers... Then said "How will we fit the potato chips on this"? I said they wouldn't fit, so he brought out bowls. I mentioned that he likes plates for his sandwich.
I should have shut up. He got upset and said "I don't know what to use, I'll use whatever you tell me to use"!!!
He was right. He is depending on me now to make even simple decisions for him. And I didn't quite realize to what degree he was expecting/needing that.
He's my Dad. I want him to make decisions for himself even if they are very minor decisions. I guess I had in mind that it was GOOD for him to make some decisions. Thinking back over the past few weeks, I realize he doesn't WANT me to ask him whether he wants green beans or broccoli with his dinner. Even that decision is too challenging.
It's ironic. I've lived my life making my own decisions, and deliberately NOT trying to influence other peoples' decisions (except in a few ways like politics I'll avoid here). And now I'm being asked to do just that.
I mean all this just as an example. I could have used towels in the bathroom, or which shoes to wear.
I guess I have to learn to JUST DO IT around Dad and trust to my judgement...
Thursday, July 5, 2012
I Wonder...
I am not disrespecting my Dad or his aged condition. But I have little experience with how memory fades as we age. So I wonder what Dad is thinking most days. Are his internal thoughts clear and his spoken statements unclear, or is he expressing the confusion in his mind accurately?
It matters. If his internal thoughts are clear, then he knows what I say, what has happened in the recent past, and that he can't express those. That would be horrible. There are SOME signs of that, like when he is searching for a word and he KNOWS he isn't getting the right one or recognizes the names of investment companies when he receives mail.
But most of the time, it seems that he truly does not remember the recent past. His 2 week stay at a rehab hospital in May is nearly a blank one. He forgets events just passed. He often cannot remember if he recently ate a meal.
Last night, we watched fireworks on TV. Then a repeat of fireworks from 2005, and then 2009. A mere half hour later, he decided to go to bed and asked me if I was going to stay to see if they showed fireworks eventually...
Some of the time, he makes sense in what he says. He can discuss a few political events, some basic science remains, and he can mention basic gardening lore from 30 years ago (though no longer accurate). But at least then he IS offerring the assumed correct practices from a time in his past.
He knows what he likes to eat. When he moved here, I experimented with many basic meats and veggies. He likes almost anything, and when he says that, I have the evidence in that he enjoyed the meal. Yet...
Tonight, I cooked sausages. Dad likes chicken, sausages and potatoes mostly. Of course, I add a tossed salad, and a green and yellow/orange veggie. He eats them dutifully. I've cooked sausages about twice a week for the past 6 weeks. Smothered in onions, or with tomato sauce, or with mustard, or with bell peppers. He likes the bell peppers the best.
So imagine my surprise when he looked at a sausage yesterday and asked what it was. I thought he meant the add-ons. No, he didn't know what a SAUSAGE was. Sorry, that confused me for a bit. I actually had to explain what sausage was!!! He was like, "huh, that's weird". He enjoyed it, but his lack of recall of the basic idea of "sausage" really threw me.
I should have been prepared for that. The meal before, he looked at a baked chicken thigh and asked if that was "meat". And he asked if the corn-on-the-cob, that we basically have every other day or so was "cooked". Tonight, he asked if the chili was "hot". Fortunately, I can usually guess correctly about unfinished sentences or ambiguous words. Asking if he meant "spicy", he replied "yes, hot". I assured him I don't make my chili really spicy. But I have to guess a lot.
I don't know how he feels when I comlpete paused sentences or suggest words, but I THINK he is relieved when I guess right.
I'm struggling to understand his thinking process these days. I mean that I understand he isn't thinking straight, but I'm not understanding when and where he "loses it". He catches me by surprise so often. One minute he makes general sense, the next minute makes NO sense. Or he is good for a whole day an the next day he forgets where he is, who I am, and why he is HERE.
I'm told the daily confusion around sunset is called "Sundowner Syndrome", and Dad sure suffers from it. After dinner, he says the oddest things. I'm only now routinely thinking of the time of day when he gets weird.
On good days, he can recall his investment companies. On bad days, he is completely baffled by a simple statement from one of his banks. And the good days include when he isn't vaguely paranoid about "banks closing down to steal his money".
And then there are the Gold Commercials... They use scare tactics, and Dad is starting to respond to that. I tried to tell him that if the Gold Companies are suddenly selling gold, it means they (the professionals) figure the value of gold will go down. But Dad thinks they are doing him a favor by offerring to sell gold! I researched it and printed out a 30 year chart of the value of gold. It goes up and down. It took me 2 hours to convince Dad not to shift a lot of money to gold.
He wants to help prepare dinner, and I appreciate his desire to help; he's BORED. But he stops in place so often that I can't work around him very well. Small humor here: Dad gets annoyed when Iza stands on the floor in his way and he shouts "Move you damn cat" (which he says more friendly than it sounds). But I can't say the same to him when he freezes in a doorway and I have to walk the long way around the rooms to get to what I need to do. AND that's when he doesn't call the cats "dogs".
Well at least he uses names of mammals. When he starts referring to the cats as "spinach" I'll worry more. Poor Iza, she is used to standing in front of me to get my attention. I know to walk around her when I'm really busy, but Dad can't. Changing direction is difficult for him. He can't lean on one leg and lift the other in order to turn very well.
Dad's documents are the worst for him and me (and easiest for me if he didn't see them). I've probably mentioned that before, so I won't go into details again.
And I haven't even started on his 2011 taxes yet. Fortunately, he has an extension to October. I thank his 2011 tax preparers for the extension. When they saw that Dad stopped responding to their requests for documents, they understood what was happening and filed an extension request for him.
I see a time coming when I can't help him any more, and it may be sooner than I wish. Dad is getting worse weekly. When it is daily, I'll have to consider the unmentionable (Assisted Living Facility). Which I can mention here, but not to Dad.
ONE SAFELY HUMOROUS EVENT: Today Dad got his first piece of direct junk mail at this new address (for him). OK, Dad considered the offer seriously (and I explained why it wasn't a good offer), but I am still trying to figure out HOW Direct TV got his address here! We haven't listed his address in any government or public documents. We have done change of address forms for his banks and investment companies and public utilities. Do such companies automatically sell "change of address" requests to advertisers? Do they buy such information from the Post Office? If so, things have gotten worse than I realized. In spite of that, it was still rather funny to see the new address on junk mail...
It matters. If his internal thoughts are clear, then he knows what I say, what has happened in the recent past, and that he can't express those. That would be horrible. There are SOME signs of that, like when he is searching for a word and he KNOWS he isn't getting the right one or recognizes the names of investment companies when he receives mail.
But most of the time, it seems that he truly does not remember the recent past. His 2 week stay at a rehab hospital in May is nearly a blank one. He forgets events just passed. He often cannot remember if he recently ate a meal.
Last night, we watched fireworks on TV. Then a repeat of fireworks from 2005, and then 2009. A mere half hour later, he decided to go to bed and asked me if I was going to stay to see if they showed fireworks eventually...
Some of the time, he makes sense in what he says. He can discuss a few political events, some basic science remains, and he can mention basic gardening lore from 30 years ago (though no longer accurate). But at least then he IS offerring the assumed correct practices from a time in his past.
He knows what he likes to eat. When he moved here, I experimented with many basic meats and veggies. He likes almost anything, and when he says that, I have the evidence in that he enjoyed the meal. Yet...
Tonight, I cooked sausages. Dad likes chicken, sausages and potatoes mostly. Of course, I add a tossed salad, and a green and yellow/orange veggie. He eats them dutifully. I've cooked sausages about twice a week for the past 6 weeks. Smothered in onions, or with tomato sauce, or with mustard, or with bell peppers. He likes the bell peppers the best.
So imagine my surprise when he looked at a sausage yesterday and asked what it was. I thought he meant the add-ons. No, he didn't know what a SAUSAGE was. Sorry, that confused me for a bit. I actually had to explain what sausage was!!! He was like, "huh, that's weird". He enjoyed it, but his lack of recall of the basic idea of "sausage" really threw me.
I should have been prepared for that. The meal before, he looked at a baked chicken thigh and asked if that was "meat". And he asked if the corn-on-the-cob, that we basically have every other day or so was "cooked". Tonight, he asked if the chili was "hot". Fortunately, I can usually guess correctly about unfinished sentences or ambiguous words. Asking if he meant "spicy", he replied "yes, hot". I assured him I don't make my chili really spicy. But I have to guess a lot.
I don't know how he feels when I comlpete paused sentences or suggest words, but I THINK he is relieved when I guess right.
I'm struggling to understand his thinking process these days. I mean that I understand he isn't thinking straight, but I'm not understanding when and where he "loses it". He catches me by surprise so often. One minute he makes general sense, the next minute makes NO sense. Or he is good for a whole day an the next day he forgets where he is, who I am, and why he is HERE.
I'm told the daily confusion around sunset is called "Sundowner Syndrome", and Dad sure suffers from it. After dinner, he says the oddest things. I'm only now routinely thinking of the time of day when he gets weird.
On good days, he can recall his investment companies. On bad days, he is completely baffled by a simple statement from one of his banks. And the good days include when he isn't vaguely paranoid about "banks closing down to steal his money".
And then there are the Gold Commercials... They use scare tactics, and Dad is starting to respond to that. I tried to tell him that if the Gold Companies are suddenly selling gold, it means they (the professionals) figure the value of gold will go down. But Dad thinks they are doing him a favor by offerring to sell gold! I researched it and printed out a 30 year chart of the value of gold. It goes up and down. It took me 2 hours to convince Dad not to shift a lot of money to gold.
He wants to help prepare dinner, and I appreciate his desire to help; he's BORED. But he stops in place so often that I can't work around him very well. Small humor here: Dad gets annoyed when Iza stands on the floor in his way and he shouts "Move you damn cat" (which he says more friendly than it sounds). But I can't say the same to him when he freezes in a doorway and I have to walk the long way around the rooms to get to what I need to do. AND that's when he doesn't call the cats "dogs".
Well at least he uses names of mammals. When he starts referring to the cats as "spinach" I'll worry more. Poor Iza, she is used to standing in front of me to get my attention. I know to walk around her when I'm really busy, but Dad can't. Changing direction is difficult for him. He can't lean on one leg and lift the other in order to turn very well.
Dad's documents are the worst for him and me (and easiest for me if he didn't see them). I've probably mentioned that before, so I won't go into details again.
And I haven't even started on his 2011 taxes yet. Fortunately, he has an extension to October. I thank his 2011 tax preparers for the extension. When they saw that Dad stopped responding to their requests for documents, they understood what was happening and filed an extension request for him.
I see a time coming when I can't help him any more, and it may be sooner than I wish. Dad is getting worse weekly. When it is daily, I'll have to consider the unmentionable (Assisted Living Facility). Which I can mention here, but not to Dad.
ONE SAFELY HUMOROUS EVENT: Today Dad got his first piece of direct junk mail at this new address (for him). OK, Dad considered the offer seriously (and I explained why it wasn't a good offer), but I am still trying to figure out HOW Direct TV got his address here! We haven't listed his address in any government or public documents. We have done change of address forms for his banks and investment companies and public utilities. Do such companies automatically sell "change of address" requests to advertisers? Do they buy such information from the Post Office? If so, things have gotten worse than I realized. In spite of that, it was still rather funny to see the new address on junk mail...
Monday, June 25, 2012
Living With Dad, 9
What I miss about living alone...
1. Listening to music.
2. Watching cartoon shows.
3. Drinking too much once in a while.
4. Staying up all night sometimes.
5. Playing Risk, Scrabble, and Backgammon on the computer at game sites for hours.
6. Standing out on the deck watching the wildlife and contemplating yardwork while drinking a beer.
7. No criticism. Dad is a natural critic. Well, he's an engineer. His order of perfection in the universe is "A vague deity", surgeons, engineers, and then everyone else. I'm in the "everyone else" category of course, LOL!
8. Staying cool (temperature-wise). I have a high metabolism. I'm comfortable at 68F. Dad wants it at 85F.
9. Not ever watching Fox News. Dad thinks Fox News really IS "fair and balanced".
10. Being sarcastic or making jokes. Dad doesn't get jokes anymore..
11. Being alone.
12. Not getting really strange advice. Like "you have too many cats", "you have too many flowerbeds", or "you have too many books".
13. Keeping odd hours.
14. Not having to explain anything to anyone.
15. Arranging and keeping track of someone ELSE'S doctor/dentist appointments.
I'm making adjustments (and getting used to them). Most of my old habits are arbitrary, so I can change them. And I'm naturally flexible. For example, I never used to eat meals on a schedule, but Dad does. So now I eat lunch every day at noon and dinner at 6 pm. It might even be good for me...
For the rest, time will solve those "problems" eventually. I may even miss the changes to my lifestyle some day.
One day at a time...
1. Listening to music.
2. Watching cartoon shows.
3. Drinking too much once in a while.
4. Staying up all night sometimes.
5. Playing Risk, Scrabble, and Backgammon on the computer at game sites for hours.
6. Standing out on the deck watching the wildlife and contemplating yardwork while drinking a beer.
7. No criticism. Dad is a natural critic. Well, he's an engineer. His order of perfection in the universe is "A vague deity", surgeons, engineers, and then everyone else. I'm in the "everyone else" category of course, LOL!
8. Staying cool (temperature-wise). I have a high metabolism. I'm comfortable at 68F. Dad wants it at 85F.
9. Not ever watching Fox News. Dad thinks Fox News really IS "fair and balanced".
10. Being sarcastic or making jokes. Dad doesn't get jokes anymore..
11. Being alone.
12. Not getting really strange advice. Like "you have too many cats", "you have too many flowerbeds", or "you have too many books".
13. Keeping odd hours.
14. Not having to explain anything to anyone.
15. Arranging and keeping track of someone ELSE'S doctor/dentist appointments.
I'm making adjustments (and getting used to them). Most of my old habits are arbitrary, so I can change them. And I'm naturally flexible. For example, I never used to eat meals on a schedule, but Dad does. So now I eat lunch every day at noon and dinner at 6 pm. It might even be good for me...
For the rest, time will solve those "problems" eventually. I may even miss the changes to my lifestyle some day.
One day at a time...
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Living With Dad, 8
Today is one month since Dad moved in. Its gone a LOT better than I expected. Which isn't to say "great", but you know what I mean. It could be a whole lot worse.
Getting Dad up here was awkward, but my "too complicated" plans worked (thanks to my brother actually driving Dad from FL to MD over 2 days). Settling Dad into the house was difficult at first. Well, he went from a house of his own to a room of his own; that was hard for him. Of course, he has the rest of THIS house now, and its bigger than his FL house.
Dad had a hard time getting used to the idea of being here as a resident, not a visitor. I did too. Nothing like (me) living alone for 28 years and then suddenly having a housemate! I still haven't gotten used to having someone else around 24/7.
The odd thing is that I've always been a happy loner, but I'm doing OK with Dad here. I've always been good about adjusting to new situations. Hmmm... Let's correct that to "Ive always been good AT adjusting to new situations, even if I hate it and do it kicking and screaming at first". Which of course, I couldn't do with Dad here being all concerned about this major change in his life.
So this was ONE time I surpressed the "kicking and screaming at first" and went straight to the acceptance part. Well, I guess family matters. I never had a family housemate since I left for college 44 years ago.
Please don't take this wrong, but the idea that it is not permanent helps. There will come a time when Dad needs professional full time care I can't provide. It may not be all that long. But it is uncertain. He is both healthy and fading at the same time. I don't know how to explain that (but of course, I will try anyway).
He is HEALTHY in that he has a good appetite, needs no personal hygiene assistance, can usually walk around on his own, and can deal with simple daily activities very well. He can get in and out of the car, carry dishes to the table and back, help with some parts of the meals, etc. When I say "healthy" I mean that his internal body (heart, lungs, etc) seems to be in good condition, and he is mentally able is daily things.
He is FADING in that he is having more difficulty getting STARTED walking around (his feet just won't go when he wants them to), is more hunched over, and possibly more forgetful than when he got here just a month ago. When we were in FL, he could remember events of a week previous. Now, a few days ago is beyond his recall. So some things are fading in just a month, but other parts of his life are staying steady.
None of his doctors suggested Alzheimer's, and only one suggested "mild dementia". I question the non-dementia part, though. Its one thing not to remember what he had for dinner the day before (sometimes I have to think about that myself), but its another to not remember going in the car with me to deposit checks at his bank the previous day.
He is generally happy...
He watches Fox News or golf most of the day, he enjoys my cooking (and he should - more on that below), and he has someone to talk to (Mom went into assisted care in 2009 and died in 2010). I actually listen to him. Its hard with old folks, but I register when he says anything and make sure I hear what he is saying and respond. Even when it doesn't make sense at first.
It helps that I have cats. Don't laugh! As parents always have an ear open to the sounds of children, I have always had a part of my mind attuned to the sounds of the cats. That same part hears Dad all the time. I can always stop what I'm doing and sit next to him to hear anything he wants to say. And I suppose if I've done it for a month, I can do it for a year.
The hardest part is dealing with documents that come in the mail. I've started just tossing the obvious junk mail, but most of his mail is uncertain as to importance. I hate the advertising from established business arrangements most. Some are important, some are junk, but they are all equally concerning to Dad. I HAVE to let him open them. I will NOT open any mail to him that might be important. He has a right to his mail.
Even if it takes me an hour to convince him that some mail is not important and some is...
About the cooking... In FL, Dad was living off (as far as I can tell by asking and by what was in his refrigerator/freezer) hotdogs, frozen fish filets, ice cream, and martinis. It is very likely that the best thing the 2 weeks of rehab hospital gave him was balanced meals!
And I've been doing that here. That part is easy, I am just cooking the same stuff I normally eat, just twice as much. Except that he MUST have a potato with each meal. But basically, I have always had a meat, a green veg, an orange/yellow veg, a tossed salad, and sometimes a starch like spaghetti or rice. Fresh fruits for dessert, though I kind of fell into a weakness for small slices of fancy cheescakes just before Dad arrived.
So we meet in the middle, sort of. He has to get my good diet, but he also gets his ice cream for dessert and I get some fresh fruits into him with the ice cream. I wish I could get him to eat more fruit. He likes it well enough, but if he was ALMOST full and had a choice between ice cream and a good ripe peach, he'll go for the ice cream. Well, he's 90, maybe I shouldn't worry about that so much. If he made it to 90, ice cream probably ISN'T going to be what kills him!
Dad still does strange things. Mostly "strange" because they are not what he did the day before. I found a laundry hamper to fit in the main bathroom (he doesn't want it in his bedroom for some reason and the hamper in his FL house WAS in the bathroom). And he usually puts his worn clothes in there. But yesterday he "washed" his underpants in the sink and set them to dry over the air vent.
Well, life with Dad isn't boring; there's always something new...
Mark
Getting Dad up here was awkward, but my "too complicated" plans worked (thanks to my brother actually driving Dad from FL to MD over 2 days). Settling Dad into the house was difficult at first. Well, he went from a house of his own to a room of his own; that was hard for him. Of course, he has the rest of THIS house now, and its bigger than his FL house.
Dad had a hard time getting used to the idea of being here as a resident, not a visitor. I did too. Nothing like (me) living alone for 28 years and then suddenly having a housemate! I still haven't gotten used to having someone else around 24/7.
The odd thing is that I've always been a happy loner, but I'm doing OK with Dad here. I've always been good about adjusting to new situations. Hmmm... Let's correct that to "Ive always been good AT adjusting to new situations, even if I hate it and do it kicking and screaming at first". Which of course, I couldn't do with Dad here being all concerned about this major change in his life.
So this was ONE time I surpressed the "kicking and screaming at first" and went straight to the acceptance part. Well, I guess family matters. I never had a family housemate since I left for college 44 years ago.
Please don't take this wrong, but the idea that it is not permanent helps. There will come a time when Dad needs professional full time care I can't provide. It may not be all that long. But it is uncertain. He is both healthy and fading at the same time. I don't know how to explain that (but of course, I will try anyway).
He is HEALTHY in that he has a good appetite, needs no personal hygiene assistance, can usually walk around on his own, and can deal with simple daily activities very well. He can get in and out of the car, carry dishes to the table and back, help with some parts of the meals, etc. When I say "healthy" I mean that his internal body (heart, lungs, etc) seems to be in good condition, and he is mentally able is daily things.
He is FADING in that he is having more difficulty getting STARTED walking around (his feet just won't go when he wants them to), is more hunched over, and possibly more forgetful than when he got here just a month ago. When we were in FL, he could remember events of a week previous. Now, a few days ago is beyond his recall. So some things are fading in just a month, but other parts of his life are staying steady.
None of his doctors suggested Alzheimer's, and only one suggested "mild dementia". I question the non-dementia part, though. Its one thing not to remember what he had for dinner the day before (sometimes I have to think about that myself), but its another to not remember going in the car with me to deposit checks at his bank the previous day.
He is generally happy...
It helps that I have cats. Don't laugh! As parents always have an ear open to the sounds of children, I have always had a part of my mind attuned to the sounds of the cats. That same part hears Dad all the time. I can always stop what I'm doing and sit next to him to hear anything he wants to say. And I suppose if I've done it for a month, I can do it for a year.
The hardest part is dealing with documents that come in the mail. I've started just tossing the obvious junk mail, but most of his mail is uncertain as to importance. I hate the advertising from established business arrangements most. Some are important, some are junk, but they are all equally concerning to Dad. I HAVE to let him open them. I will NOT open any mail to him that might be important. He has a right to his mail.
Even if it takes me an hour to convince him that some mail is not important and some is...
About the cooking... In FL, Dad was living off (as far as I can tell by asking and by what was in his refrigerator/freezer) hotdogs, frozen fish filets, ice cream, and martinis. It is very likely that the best thing the 2 weeks of rehab hospital gave him was balanced meals!
And I've been doing that here. That part is easy, I am just cooking the same stuff I normally eat, just twice as much. Except that he MUST have a potato with each meal. But basically, I have always had a meat, a green veg, an orange/yellow veg, a tossed salad, and sometimes a starch like spaghetti or rice. Fresh fruits for dessert, though I kind of fell into a weakness for small slices of fancy cheescakes just before Dad arrived.
So we meet in the middle, sort of. He has to get my good diet, but he also gets his ice cream for dessert and I get some fresh fruits into him with the ice cream. I wish I could get him to eat more fruit. He likes it well enough, but if he was ALMOST full and had a choice between ice cream and a good ripe peach, he'll go for the ice cream. Well, he's 90, maybe I shouldn't worry about that so much. If he made it to 90, ice cream probably ISN'T going to be what kills him!
Dad still does strange things. Mostly "strange" because they are not what he did the day before. I found a laundry hamper to fit in the main bathroom (he doesn't want it in his bedroom for some reason and the hamper in his FL house WAS in the bathroom). And he usually puts his worn clothes in there. But yesterday he "washed" his underpants in the sink and set them to dry over the air vent.
Well, life with Dad isn't boring; there's always something new...
Mark
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Living With Dad, 7
Its the finances that are going to be the death of me. Not costs, I mean the checks and bank statements, trash documents, etc. Every single little document is a source of frustration. We spent 1.5 hours deciding what to do with 1 received check, 2 change of address confirmations, a homeowner association board meeting notice, and a monthly investment statement. It was maybe 10 minutes work for me if I got those myself. But with the detailed explanations required for Dad, the repeat of the explanations a few minutes later, the backtracking after that, the filling out of a simple form and addressing of a simple envelope, and "the keeping of the documents", we used up 1.5 hours.
Dad is completely confused about his several banks with multiple accounts. He considers each separate account "a bank" in conversation, which gets really confusing. Fortunately, I have managed to eliminate one actual bank. Every simplification helps. A constant concern of his is bank failure and loss of his money (he is old enough to remember the bank failures of the Great Depression). I explain that assets are federally insured, but Fox News reports and gold-seller advertisements all over TV have him worried. I would like to get his checking and standard savings accounts into a local bank, a money market account into another, and some money into CDs at a credit union (for the higher interest). Yeah, that's 3 banks, but they would be separated by type of accounts and I can keep THAT straight. Plus new accounts get me a clean start so that I can start balancing his checkbook and entering his earned interest monthly. Right now, he just trusts the monthly bank statements to be accurate.
And I'm still trying to get his older records sorted out (mostly looking for 2011 tax information). So after the new mail was taken care of, we spent another hour+ as we went through the remaining ones in his duffel bag (his version of a file cabinet drawer).
Dad keeps stuff in old envelopes chronologically. Worse, its chronologically by date of receipt, not the month it actually applies to. So an amendment to his 2008 taxes is with Oct 2011 stuff because thats when it was processed. And the Oct 2011 envelope has his property tax voucher in with bank statements, PR junk from a bank, and donations for the month, etc. ARGHHH!
He can't understand why I want to sort documents by company and subject... I'd understand if he could find any documents with his system, but he can't. And I have to be able to find his documents.
His wallet is another scrambled mess. There aren't many cards in it, but they are all just stacked together. HE can't find anything in it when he needs to, and objects if I try to find anything. For example, finding his Social Security card or credit card takes forever. Not because he has so many cards in the wallet, but because he keeps them (deliberately) packed into just a couple plastic holders (all the others are broken on the sides). I'd LIKE to get him a new wallet with new cardholders for each card, but he won't spend the money for one OR allow me to just buy one. He wants his OLD wallet, broken as it is...
I'm hoping to get a chance to buy him a new wallet for Fathers Day and HOPE he will use it. One nice plastic holder for each card he has in the old wallet.
I understand his concerns about keeping records the way he is accustomed to. I really do; changes in personal organization are difficult. But his way doesn't work for HIM either anymore and I'M the one who has to find records now.
I also know that I need to make changes slowly so that Dad can get used to them (in reality, "slowly" so that he has SOME illusion of control).
I think the hardest part of all this is that I'm not dealing with a child. I'm dealing with a person who knows he is an adult but COMPREHENDS like a child. A child doesn't know or care about records and forms. An adult does. Dad KNOWS that these documents are important (and quite frankly, HIS). While he knows that he can't understand them anymore, he can't stop trying. THAT'S the Sisyphean hill we labor against every day...
Dad's fading mental abilities are the rock he is trying to push uphill. But I'M the one doing most of the pushing and I have to keep running around him awkwardly to get a good grip on the rock. When he asks the same set of questions about "settled" actions for the 3rd or 4th time, the rock slips downhill a bit and I have to get the rock uphill a bit further than it was when we started the day.
The rock will get bigger and heavier as time goes on and Dad has greater difficulties in understanding things. I expect it, and I'll deal with it as best I can. Because there will come a day when Dad no longer even tries to manage his affairs. That will be a more difficult day. Easier in the sense of "just handling his bills myself", but harder in that I will be watching my Dad fading from this world...
Mark
Dad is completely confused about his several banks with multiple accounts. He considers each separate account "a bank" in conversation, which gets really confusing. Fortunately, I have managed to eliminate one actual bank. Every simplification helps. A constant concern of his is bank failure and loss of his money (he is old enough to remember the bank failures of the Great Depression). I explain that assets are federally insured, but Fox News reports and gold-seller advertisements all over TV have him worried. I would like to get his checking and standard savings accounts into a local bank, a money market account into another, and some money into CDs at a credit union (for the higher interest). Yeah, that's 3 banks, but they would be separated by type of accounts and I can keep THAT straight. Plus new accounts get me a clean start so that I can start balancing his checkbook and entering his earned interest monthly. Right now, he just trusts the monthly bank statements to be accurate.
And I'm still trying to get his older records sorted out (mostly looking for 2011 tax information). So after the new mail was taken care of, we spent another hour+ as we went through the remaining ones in his duffel bag (his version of a file cabinet drawer).
Dad keeps stuff in old envelopes chronologically. Worse, its chronologically by date of receipt, not the month it actually applies to. So an amendment to his 2008 taxes is with Oct 2011 stuff because thats when it was processed. And the Oct 2011 envelope has his property tax voucher in with bank statements, PR junk from a bank, and donations for the month, etc. ARGHHH!
He can't understand why I want to sort documents by company and subject... I'd understand if he could find any documents with his system, but he can't. And I have to be able to find his documents.
His wallet is another scrambled mess. There aren't many cards in it, but they are all just stacked together. HE can't find anything in it when he needs to, and objects if I try to find anything. For example, finding his Social Security card or credit card takes forever. Not because he has so many cards in the wallet, but because he keeps them (deliberately) packed into just a couple plastic holders (all the others are broken on the sides). I'd LIKE to get him a new wallet with new cardholders for each card, but he won't spend the money for one OR allow me to just buy one. He wants his OLD wallet, broken as it is...
I'm hoping to get a chance to buy him a new wallet for Fathers Day and HOPE he will use it. One nice plastic holder for each card he has in the old wallet.
I understand his concerns about keeping records the way he is accustomed to. I really do; changes in personal organization are difficult. But his way doesn't work for HIM either anymore and I'M the one who has to find records now.
I also know that I need to make changes slowly so that Dad can get used to them (in reality, "slowly" so that he has SOME illusion of control).
I think the hardest part of all this is that I'm not dealing with a child. I'm dealing with a person who knows he is an adult but COMPREHENDS like a child. A child doesn't know or care about records and forms. An adult does. Dad KNOWS that these documents are important (and quite frankly, HIS). While he knows that he can't understand them anymore, he can't stop trying. THAT'S the Sisyphean hill we labor against every day...
Dad's fading mental abilities are the rock he is trying to push uphill. But I'M the one doing most of the pushing and I have to keep running around him awkwardly to get a good grip on the rock. When he asks the same set of questions about "settled" actions for the 3rd or 4th time, the rock slips downhill a bit and I have to get the rock uphill a bit further than it was when we started the day.
The rock will get bigger and heavier as time goes on and Dad has greater difficulties in understanding things. I expect it, and I'll deal with it as best I can. Because there will come a day when Dad no longer even tries to manage his affairs. That will be a more difficult day. Easier in the sense of "just handling his bills myself", but harder in that I will be watching my Dad fading from this world...
Mark
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Living With Dad, 6
Wow, Dad got up at 2 am and turned on the TV to watch Fox News for about 10 minutes. Then went back to bed. I guess I better start documenting his activities. Because I'll forget them and it may become important some day.
Last night, he suddenly started asking where his wine was. I thought he meant his vermouth because he calls that white wine. Well, I suppose it is, but he insisted he had a bottle of red wine in the fridge.
He did not have a bottle of red wine in the fridge. He has never had a bottle of red wine in my fridge. He doesn't even LIKE red wine. I think there was a very old bottle of red wine in his fridge in FL. He is forgetting where he is again, in time AND space.
He usually has these confused moments around sundown. Travis at HealthSouth said its actually CALLED "Sundowner". I'm getting to avoid asking difficult questions at sundown. He gets very confused then. And its so weird! One moment he is acting fairly normal, then like a light switch turned off, he make no sense. I need to look this up. Maybe there are ways I can help him around this daily confusion.
It is hard watching this happen.
I'm tempted to go through the rest of the documents in his duffel bag. It would be so easy for ME to do it. But I won't. It matters that he sees every document, even if it is so slow. *sigh*
Dad complained about the sheets on the bed. I washed/dried them last night and made his bed. No static either. He says he itches. Well I can't get him to shower more than once a week, of COURSE he itches. Am I supposed to drag him into the shower? I would if I should. Should I?
Last night, he suddenly started asking where his wine was. I thought he meant his vermouth because he calls that white wine. Well, I suppose it is, but he insisted he had a bottle of red wine in the fridge.
He did not have a bottle of red wine in the fridge. He has never had a bottle of red wine in my fridge. He doesn't even LIKE red wine. I think there was a very old bottle of red wine in his fridge in FL. He is forgetting where he is again, in time AND space.
He usually has these confused moments around sundown. Travis at HealthSouth said its actually CALLED "Sundowner". I'm getting to avoid asking difficult questions at sundown. He gets very confused then. And its so weird! One moment he is acting fairly normal, then like a light switch turned off, he make no sense. I need to look this up. Maybe there are ways I can help him around this daily confusion.
It is hard watching this happen.
I'm tempted to go through the rest of the documents in his duffel bag. It would be so easy for ME to do it. But I won't. It matters that he sees every document, even if it is so slow. *sigh*
Dad complained about the sheets on the bed. I washed/dried them last night and made his bed. No static either. He says he itches. Well I can't get him to shower more than once a week, of COURSE he itches. Am I supposed to drag him into the shower? I would if I should. Should I?
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Living With Dad, 5
Today's (long-avoided) challenge was to start sorting through Dad's collection of documents. He DOES have some documents in envelops, but they are more chronological than organized by subject. I set up file folders a few days ago and took opportunities to let him see those (familiarity helps), but he hasn't liked the idea. Maybe he hated files in his career job, too.
So I started slowly a couple days ago. Loose documents and new mail showed up, so I showed him how I was putting those in the new file folders. And there are a couple of CDs he wanted to cash in, so I typed letters to the banks (at their instruction) and had him sign the letters. He fusses that the post office won't return the envelopes to him unless his name was on the return address, so I made him his own set of sticky-back address labels! That made him feel better.
He even walked the envelopes out to the mailbox himself. He didn't complain TOO much about that, so I got him to sit down at the table today to start sorting through the duffel bag of documents. Most are copies of bill statements that have been paid. He didn't want to keep those, yet he had them back through 2010. I let HIM put those in the special "document trash box" I set up (with a big label he can read so that he remembers what it is for. Plus, a special box will let me sort through it after he goes to bed so I can make sure nothing stays in there that he should keep.
It IS very frustrating sometimes. He looks at old phone bills and throws them in the trash box, then will look at the next old phone bill and dither about it for several minutes. I am patient and explain the same thing over and over when he feels uncertain and forgetful. Meanwhile, I go through dozens of other "same old bills" in 2 minutes.
We found many investment accounts I did not know about, so I made many new folders. The "filing-by-subject" idea confuses him. These days, he thinks in terms of "degree of importance" and wants to keep those most "important" things together. It doesn't matter to him that one document is a birth certificate and the next is a certificate of deposit; those are both "important". It takes some effort to convince him to let me put his (and Mom's) birth certificates in one folder and the CDs from the banks in separate bank folders. He is CONVINCED they will be lost among the folders.
Later, I asked him to name anything he wanted to get his hands on. He said "CDs", I produced them immediately (showing him the file folders). Naturally, he still doubts the filing system. I understand why; its not HIS system. But I'M the one who will have to find documents...
We found last year's tax form, and we found a lot of 2011 tax documents. He hasn't filed his 2011 tax forms. I'll have to make a few calls Monday. His last year's tax form preparer first, to see what they did for this year's tax form before he seems to have lost track of not filing them. They seem to have done some preliminary work. And we will NEED an expert in both Florida taxes forms and NH tax forms. I can't do those!
I'll have to go to the IRS/FL/NH websites to see about filing for an extention forgiveness due to "medical problems". This is going to be a BIG MESS. But we'll get through it...
And have the duffel bag and a whole briefcase are yet to go through! I can't WAIT to see what I discover next in those. Dad was worn out going through 2/3 of the duffel bag of documents!
I am getting along. My usual routines are all shot to hell and back, but I'm being flexible about it. Fortunately, Fox News and The Golf Channel are good Dad-sitters. He can watch them all day (though I get him up and about a few times and keep some conversations going about the shows. And I get him out on the deck (and yard sometimes) for change of scenery and some exercise.
I get out to the garden. I planted beans, cukes, and transplanted some basil seedlings today. The tomatoes and bell peppers are doing well. The cats are doing well (Dad responds to the cats well). I make some time on the computer (obviously), but I can't take my time at it as well as BD (Before Dad).
The first 2 weeks, I spent all my time around Dad as if he was a guest so that when he wanted anything I was there. I'm getting a little used to leaving him alone for some time, and I have been talking to him about treating this as his own home. At first, if he wanted some potato chips as a snack, he would ask me. I THINK I've convinced him that he can just go get anything he wants anytime at all, even in the middle of the night. I understand his reluctance (I think). If he just "gets" food, it means he lives here, and he still wants to think this is just temporary. After a few more weeks, he will forget he lived anywhere else recently. I'm serious, he is already forgetting living in FL. He barely recalls staying in the rehab hospital for 2 weeks just 4 weeks ago.
And let me say that I sometimes repeat myself here. Between this blog, emails to friends and family, and discussions with various businesses, I sometimes lose track of what I have said to who, when. So forgive me things I've already mentioned.
Life goes on. but it isn't always a straight line. There are sometimes dips in the road. LOL!
But we are managing, and that's the important thing.
So I started slowly a couple days ago. Loose documents and new mail showed up, so I showed him how I was putting those in the new file folders. And there are a couple of CDs he wanted to cash in, so I typed letters to the banks (at their instruction) and had him sign the letters. He fusses that the post office won't return the envelopes to him unless his name was on the return address, so I made him his own set of sticky-back address labels! That made him feel better.
He even walked the envelopes out to the mailbox himself. He didn't complain TOO much about that, so I got him to sit down at the table today to start sorting through the duffel bag of documents. Most are copies of bill statements that have been paid. He didn't want to keep those, yet he had them back through 2010. I let HIM put those in the special "document trash box" I set up (with a big label he can read so that he remembers what it is for. Plus, a special box will let me sort through it after he goes to bed so I can make sure nothing stays in there that he should keep.
It IS very frustrating sometimes. He looks at old phone bills and throws them in the trash box, then will look at the next old phone bill and dither about it for several minutes. I am patient and explain the same thing over and over when he feels uncertain and forgetful. Meanwhile, I go through dozens of other "same old bills" in 2 minutes.
We found many investment accounts I did not know about, so I made many new folders. The "filing-by-subject" idea confuses him. These days, he thinks in terms of "degree of importance" and wants to keep those most "important" things together. It doesn't matter to him that one document is a birth certificate and the next is a certificate of deposit; those are both "important". It takes some effort to convince him to let me put his (and Mom's) birth certificates in one folder and the CDs from the banks in separate bank folders. He is CONVINCED they will be lost among the folders.
Later, I asked him to name anything he wanted to get his hands on. He said "CDs", I produced them immediately (showing him the file folders). Naturally, he still doubts the filing system. I understand why; its not HIS system. But I'M the one who will have to find documents...
We found last year's tax form, and we found a lot of 2011 tax documents. He hasn't filed his 2011 tax forms. I'll have to make a few calls Monday. His last year's tax form preparer first, to see what they did for this year's tax form before he seems to have lost track of not filing them. They seem to have done some preliminary work. And we will NEED an expert in both Florida taxes forms and NH tax forms. I can't do those!
I'll have to go to the IRS/FL/NH websites to see about filing for an extention forgiveness due to "medical problems". This is going to be a BIG MESS. But we'll get through it...
And have the duffel bag and a whole briefcase are yet to go through! I can't WAIT to see what I discover next in those. Dad was worn out going through 2/3 of the duffel bag of documents!
I am getting along. My usual routines are all shot to hell and back, but I'm being flexible about it. Fortunately, Fox News and The Golf Channel are good Dad-sitters. He can watch them all day (though I get him up and about a few times and keep some conversations going about the shows. And I get him out on the deck (and yard sometimes) for change of scenery and some exercise.
I get out to the garden. I planted beans, cukes, and transplanted some basil seedlings today. The tomatoes and bell peppers are doing well. The cats are doing well (Dad responds to the cats well). I make some time on the computer (obviously), but I can't take my time at it as well as BD (Before Dad).
The first 2 weeks, I spent all my time around Dad as if he was a guest so that when he wanted anything I was there. I'm getting a little used to leaving him alone for some time, and I have been talking to him about treating this as his own home. At first, if he wanted some potato chips as a snack, he would ask me. I THINK I've convinced him that he can just go get anything he wants anytime at all, even in the middle of the night. I understand his reluctance (I think). If he just "gets" food, it means he lives here, and he still wants to think this is just temporary. After a few more weeks, he will forget he lived anywhere else recently. I'm serious, he is already forgetting living in FL. He barely recalls staying in the rehab hospital for 2 weeks just 4 weeks ago.
And let me say that I sometimes repeat myself here. Between this blog, emails to friends and family, and discussions with various businesses, I sometimes lose track of what I have said to who, when. So forgive me things I've already mentioned.
Life goes on. but it isn't always a straight line. There are sometimes dips in the road. LOL!
But we are managing, and that's the important thing.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Living With Dad, 4
Lucidity comes and goes, but some subjects are more confusing for him than others. Yesterday, we were talking about a few events from years past and he remembers them, providing rich accurate details. Yet today, we were filling out a customer survey from the rehab hospital he was in for 2 weeks in May and he can barely recall the stay there.
I knew, abstractly, that old memories can be recalled easier than new ones in elder parents, but seeing the actuality of it is jarring sometimes. And I am comfortable helping him relive the things he CAN remember. It gives him something unconfusing to talk about and me something unconfusing to listen to. And I find out a few things I never knew before.
Like that HE was golfing friends with the fathers of a couple of high school acquintances. How come we never got together even on the golf course as Fathers and Sons? Well, I knew that Dad never connected HIS friendships with MINE, but you would think that would have happened even by accident occasionally. Ah, well, mysteries abound around Dad now and in the past.
The main thing is the present. Today's adventure was some bills he had to pay. Property taxes for the coming annual year for 2 condos he rents out. Payment was straightforward and he understood what the payments were for. In spite of that, it took 45 minutes of care to get the checks written and registered and put in envelopes.
It will be no surprise to people with elderly parents, but he dithers over every little detail, and usually the same details several times. I could have done the whole thing in 3 minutes, but it is important to him that he do these things as long as he can, so I spend the time.
One big problem he has is writing. He can barely sign his name, so writing out the details of a check is a BIG DEAL for him. I finally realized that I could (legally, I hope) write out the check as long as he signed it. So I did the complicated parts and he signed them after I showed him how each check matched up with the details on the tax bills. It even distressed him to use one of MY return address stickers on the envelope. I had to assure him several times that the return address sticker was only for the mailbox to return a misaddressed envelope to, NOT the person sending the envelope. But I will make him his OWN address labels tomorrow (I have a program and stick forms for that).
Then there was the bank statement. He was sure it was a bill at first and was distressed at the large dollar amounts on it. I went through that with him line by line and showed him the same amounts in his checkbook register. He can pay bills and keep track in his check register, but can't understand them weeks later. I asked him about balancing his checkbook, but he said he trusts his bank statement. I balance mine each month, but I have to admit that I have never found a statement in error in 40 years, so he may have a point. Still, I will take a look at his bank statements to make sure there are no charges he didn't authorize. "Accurate balances" is not the same as "authorized charges". Dad tends to think charity requests (for good public services like fire and police) are "bills", and I need to make sure that they aren't abusing his support with repeated withdrawals from ONE donation.
Fortunately, I have made many file folders for his use. He didn't like the file folders, preferring his "own system" (randomly stacked documents in a duffel bag, a briefcase, and a tote bag). I made the file folders with bright yellow post-it notes stapled to the tops. I'll make nice file labels when I know which ones he actually needs, but he can read the neon-yellow post-it labels clearly. I have a file drawer emptied just for his use when all is settled, but for now they are in a box on the table.
After objecting to file folders for 2 weeks, he surprisingly did not object when I stuck his property tax statements (marked "PAID" in big letters) into a folder labeled "PROPERTY TAXES" and his bank X statement into a folder labeled "BANK X". He hates changes, but understands order "after the fact"...
I think that I can finally get him to allow me (with his oversight) to sort out his duffel bag and briefcase documents. I've been working up to this slowly for 2 weeks, and my patience is finally paying off. Some children, I think, get impatient and just unilaterally DO THINGS for their elderly parents. I want to keep Dad mentally involved in all his financial processes, even if he doesn't really understand what they are. I'd rather explain and show things several times then make him feel out of control of his life.
And then there was the medications... Oh that must be one of the most difficult parts. I have little experience with medications. I just don't need any. So I have to research each and every pill bottle I find. Between the rehab hospital OTC meds and the several prescription meds I found today (when Dad said he had none, I spent time on the internet. I won't describe the meds in detail for his personal privacy, but there are some he was supposed to be taking for months and hasn't. Dad says a 2nd (unnamed) doctor daid not to take them. I doubt that.
So tomorrow, I have to find a good doctor and arrange a "from scratch" physical and med regimen that I can talk to the doctor about. Heck, I need a permanent primary doctor myself, so I will try to find the same one for both of us. We are BOTH seniors now. I've read that the best thing for both of us aging guys is a male internist/geriatrics doctor about 5 years out of medical school. Angie's List, here I come! Well, AL got us a great dentist...
Food is still working well here. Dad eats anything, but fortunately, I love to cook from scratch and have a naturally healthy diet (the old fashioned kind of "some" meat, several veggies and a couple glasses of red wine). I wish I could get Dad to stop demanding a potato and white bread with each meal, but be thing at a time. Maybe I can convince him that sweet potatoes are "potatoes". But he is already eating better here than even at the hospital (they overcooked all his veggies, I sampled them). I steam mine.
I want Dad to gain some weight, but not as fat. So I make meals of (for example) a marinated baked chicken thigh with a tossed salad with carrot and tomato, a green veg and a orange/yellow veg (and dammit a half a potato). He wants cake and ice cream for dessert, but I've been adding some fresh fruit slices to that and he DOES dutifully eat everything on his plate.
Thankfully, he doesn't miss having a car. He doesn't wander. He knows where he is in terms of the house, though he isn't always sure of what State he is in and confuses past residences. FL is becoming a vague memory. He doesn't seem to have any signs of Alzheimers, but some of early Parkinson's (repetitive foot-tapping and hand tremors, and he has the shuffle-foot problem where he can't LIFT a foot enough to START walking most times).
On the positive side, that means he can't raise his feet enough to step on the cats... The cats appreciate that. OK, just a little humor there.
He is close to falling over often, but he is aware of the problem well enough that he walks very carefully with support structures (tables, chairs) in sight at all times. And many times he can walk very confidently. I'm not sure what to make of that. Just this morning, he suddenly got up, walked down the inside stairs and the outside steps and got the newspaper. He walked quite confidently! So THAT comes and goes too.
I still haven't figured out how to resolve the thermostat problem. Dad wants it at 78, I want it at 70. Its set at 74. I have to admit, I am adjusting to the warmer temperature. But Dad still complains about being cold all the time. I've gone to wearing shorts and the lightest shirts I have every day, so there isn't much more I can do. Yet Dad insists on wearing light pants and a light knit short-sleeve shirt (without even an undershirt). And complains!
I gave him a couple of old long sleeve shirts, but he complains they are "heavy". Well, yeah, he's not used to those. Well, I'M not used to shorts either. I work outside in the gardens a lot on my knees and my knees are complaining as if I was suddenly going barefoot on rough ground. I'm drawing line on the temperature. Dad has to learn to wear warmer clothes!
He doesn't seem to understand anything between light short-sleeve shirts and sweaters. I offerred light long-sleeved shirts, but he doesn't like them. I think it's the wrist cuffs that feel odd to him.
Any suggestions?
And to anyone who has read this far down through this very lengthy post, THANK YOU!
I knew, abstractly, that old memories can be recalled easier than new ones in elder parents, but seeing the actuality of it is jarring sometimes. And I am comfortable helping him relive the things he CAN remember. It gives him something unconfusing to talk about and me something unconfusing to listen to. And I find out a few things I never knew before.
Like that HE was golfing friends with the fathers of a couple of high school acquintances. How come we never got together even on the golf course as Fathers and Sons? Well, I knew that Dad never connected HIS friendships with MINE, but you would think that would have happened even by accident occasionally. Ah, well, mysteries abound around Dad now and in the past.
The main thing is the present. Today's adventure was some bills he had to pay. Property taxes for the coming annual year for 2 condos he rents out. Payment was straightforward and he understood what the payments were for. In spite of that, it took 45 minutes of care to get the checks written and registered and put in envelopes.
It will be no surprise to people with elderly parents, but he dithers over every little detail, and usually the same details several times. I could have done the whole thing in 3 minutes, but it is important to him that he do these things as long as he can, so I spend the time.
One big problem he has is writing. He can barely sign his name, so writing out the details of a check is a BIG DEAL for him. I finally realized that I could (legally, I hope) write out the check as long as he signed it. So I did the complicated parts and he signed them after I showed him how each check matched up with the details on the tax bills. It even distressed him to use one of MY return address stickers on the envelope. I had to assure him several times that the return address sticker was only for the mailbox to return a misaddressed envelope to, NOT the person sending the envelope. But I will make him his OWN address labels tomorrow (I have a program and stick forms for that).
Then there was the bank statement. He was sure it was a bill at first and was distressed at the large dollar amounts on it. I went through that with him line by line and showed him the same amounts in his checkbook register. He can pay bills and keep track in his check register, but can't understand them weeks later. I asked him about balancing his checkbook, but he said he trusts his bank statement. I balance mine each month, but I have to admit that I have never found a statement in error in 40 years, so he may have a point. Still, I will take a look at his bank statements to make sure there are no charges he didn't authorize. "Accurate balances" is not the same as "authorized charges". Dad tends to think charity requests (for good public services like fire and police) are "bills", and I need to make sure that they aren't abusing his support with repeated withdrawals from ONE donation.
Fortunately, I have made many file folders for his use. He didn't like the file folders, preferring his "own system" (randomly stacked documents in a duffel bag, a briefcase, and a tote bag). I made the file folders with bright yellow post-it notes stapled to the tops. I'll make nice file labels when I know which ones he actually needs, but he can read the neon-yellow post-it labels clearly. I have a file drawer emptied just for his use when all is settled, but for now they are in a box on the table.
After objecting to file folders for 2 weeks, he surprisingly did not object when I stuck his property tax statements (marked "PAID" in big letters) into a folder labeled "PROPERTY TAXES" and his bank X statement into a folder labeled "BANK X". He hates changes, but understands order "after the fact"...
I think that I can finally get him to allow me (with his oversight) to sort out his duffel bag and briefcase documents. I've been working up to this slowly for 2 weeks, and my patience is finally paying off. Some children, I think, get impatient and just unilaterally DO THINGS for their elderly parents. I want to keep Dad mentally involved in all his financial processes, even if he doesn't really understand what they are. I'd rather explain and show things several times then make him feel out of control of his life.
And then there was the medications... Oh that must be one of the most difficult parts. I have little experience with medications. I just don't need any. So I have to research each and every pill bottle I find. Between the rehab hospital OTC meds and the several prescription meds I found today (when Dad said he had none, I spent time on the internet. I won't describe the meds in detail for his personal privacy, but there are some he was supposed to be taking for months and hasn't. Dad says a 2nd (unnamed) doctor daid not to take them. I doubt that.
So tomorrow, I have to find a good doctor and arrange a "from scratch" physical and med regimen that I can talk to the doctor about. Heck, I need a permanent primary doctor myself, so I will try to find the same one for both of us. We are BOTH seniors now. I've read that the best thing for both of us aging guys is a male internist/geriatrics doctor about 5 years out of medical school. Angie's List, here I come! Well, AL got us a great dentist...
Food is still working well here. Dad eats anything, but fortunately, I love to cook from scratch and have a naturally healthy diet (the old fashioned kind of "some" meat, several veggies and a couple glasses of red wine). I wish I could get Dad to stop demanding a potato and white bread with each meal, but be thing at a time. Maybe I can convince him that sweet potatoes are "potatoes". But he is already eating better here than even at the hospital (they overcooked all his veggies, I sampled them). I steam mine.
I want Dad to gain some weight, but not as fat. So I make meals of (for example) a marinated baked chicken thigh with a tossed salad with carrot and tomato, a green veg and a orange/yellow veg (and dammit a half a potato). He wants cake and ice cream for dessert, but I've been adding some fresh fruit slices to that and he DOES dutifully eat everything on his plate.
Thankfully, he doesn't miss having a car. He doesn't wander. He knows where he is in terms of the house, though he isn't always sure of what State he is in and confuses past residences. FL is becoming a vague memory. He doesn't seem to have any signs of Alzheimers, but some of early Parkinson's (repetitive foot-tapping and hand tremors, and he has the shuffle-foot problem where he can't LIFT a foot enough to START walking most times).
On the positive side, that means he can't raise his feet enough to step on the cats... The cats appreciate that. OK, just a little humor there.
He is close to falling over often, but he is aware of the problem well enough that he walks very carefully with support structures (tables, chairs) in sight at all times. And many times he can walk very confidently. I'm not sure what to make of that. Just this morning, he suddenly got up, walked down the inside stairs and the outside steps and got the newspaper. He walked quite confidently! So THAT comes and goes too.
I still haven't figured out how to resolve the thermostat problem. Dad wants it at 78, I want it at 70. Its set at 74. I have to admit, I am adjusting to the warmer temperature. But Dad still complains about being cold all the time. I've gone to wearing shorts and the lightest shirts I have every day, so there isn't much more I can do. Yet Dad insists on wearing light pants and a light knit short-sleeve shirt (without even an undershirt). And complains!
I gave him a couple of old long sleeve shirts, but he complains they are "heavy". Well, yeah, he's not used to those. Well, I'M not used to shorts either. I work outside in the gardens a lot on my knees and my knees are complaining as if I was suddenly going barefoot on rough ground. I'm drawing line on the temperature. Dad has to learn to wear warmer clothes!
He doesn't seem to understand anything between light short-sleeve shirts and sweaters. I offerred light long-sleeved shirts, but he doesn't like them. I think it's the wrist cuffs that feel odd to him.
Any suggestions?
And to anyone who has read this far down through this very lengthy post, THANK YOU!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Living With Dad, 3
Helpful arrangements done today...
1. Got him to sort through 10 pairs of really cheap sunglasses to choose 2 to put in the car and 1 to keep for walking onto the deck (he seems to be very light sensitive, so that means I need to get him an eye exam). But we got rid of 7 cheap giveaway sunglasses that he couldn't part with before (because they were free).
2. My 2 TV-watching chairs (swivel/rockers) were difficult for Dad to stand up from. I cut a piece of 1/4" plywood to fit the springs and wrapped it in a towel (to keep the plywood from cutting the cloth over the springs) and he got up out of the chair a LOT easier.
3. Set up file folders for his documents. Next step is convincing him to allow me to put his documents IN them. One step at a time...
4. Convinced Dad to let me count the antibiotic pills the dentist prescribed. I know he considers that a statement that he isn't taking them as often as he should, but I know he isn't. I just have to prove it to him.
5. Did MY laundry and then convinced him to allow me to do HIS. He wants to do his laundry in plain water in the bathroom sink (obviously not clean enough). I had some work to convince him that I would just do all of his at once in one load and NOT mix it up with mine.
6. Got tennis balls and cut them open just enough to push them onto the non-wheeled bottoms of his new walker-helper.
Well, just imagine the tennis balls on the non-wheel legs. I don't have time these days to photoshop pictures much. LOL! He didn't like the idea before I did it. Now he does.
I'm learning to do good ideas even when Dad doesn't like the ideas at first. So, I'm learning to just DO things.
7. I've learned that Fox TV and The Golf Channel will keep Dad happy all day. I'm MSNBC and The Science Channel, so we'll see how long I can last on just a couple hours of those per day.
8. I'm giving Dad simple things to do around the house. Its hard to find them, but he keeps asking. He can make a salad for dinner and set out the forks and spoons. That keeps him happy he can help.
9. I wish I could get him to clean the cat litter boxes... (Joke!)
10. I made him a list of the channel numbers of his favorite channels. Fox TV, Golf Channel, CNN, etc. That helps him a lot; he thinks Fox TV is the absolute truth in all matters.
1. Got him to sort through 10 pairs of really cheap sunglasses to choose 2 to put in the car and 1 to keep for walking onto the deck (he seems to be very light sensitive, so that means I need to get him an eye exam). But we got rid of 7 cheap giveaway sunglasses that he couldn't part with before (because they were free).
2. My 2 TV-watching chairs (swivel/rockers) were difficult for Dad to stand up from. I cut a piece of 1/4" plywood to fit the springs and wrapped it in a towel (to keep the plywood from cutting the cloth over the springs) and he got up out of the chair a LOT easier.
3. Set up file folders for his documents. Next step is convincing him to allow me to put his documents IN them. One step at a time...
4. Convinced Dad to let me count the antibiotic pills the dentist prescribed. I know he considers that a statement that he isn't taking them as often as he should, but I know he isn't. I just have to prove it to him.
5. Did MY laundry and then convinced him to allow me to do HIS. He wants to do his laundry in plain water in the bathroom sink (obviously not clean enough). I had some work to convince him that I would just do all of his at once in one load and NOT mix it up with mine.
6. Got tennis balls and cut them open just enough to push them onto the non-wheeled bottoms of his new walker-helper.
I'm learning to do good ideas even when Dad doesn't like the ideas at first. So, I'm learning to just DO things.
7. I've learned that Fox TV and The Golf Channel will keep Dad happy all day. I'm MSNBC and The Science Channel, so we'll see how long I can last on just a couple hours of those per day.
8. I'm giving Dad simple things to do around the house. Its hard to find them, but he keeps asking. He can make a salad for dinner and set out the forks and spoons. That keeps him happy he can help.
9. I wish I could get him to clean the cat litter boxes... (Joke!)
10. I made him a list of the channel numbers of his favorite channels. Fox TV, Golf Channel, CNN, etc. That helps him a lot; he thinks Fox TV is the absolute truth in all matters.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Living With Dad, 2
It's an adventure without end (well, yes there will be and end, but you know what I mean). Sometimes he is lucid, other times he makes no sense. Sometimes he remembers details of events from years ago, sometimes he isn't sure whether we had dinner.
It is taking a whole new way of discussing things for me. The best way I can describe it is a spiral. I start a subject that needs to be discussed (like "bank accounts"). Dad takes the subject in directions I can not anticipate ("checkbook" becomes "old checks from investments that he has cashed and stashed in an old checkbook cover"). The conversation may take an hour and look like this:
I start on the outside and slowly narrow the terms as he understands them until I get a little closer each few minutes. I ask a question and see how that processes. Then I adjust the terms in other words to get closer to the fact that I need to get from him. It can be "difficult" sometimes.
I sometimes succeed to some degree, sometimes entirely, but usually only in part. Last night's discussion was about bank accounts. He says he has many, but I can't pin him down on what kinds and what banks. And it's not his fault; he doesn't know himself.
There IS slow progress. I have figured out that he has 3 banks. I haven't been able to figure out which banks have what kinds of accounts because he wont let me look through his "checkbooks" (which have no blank checks or deposit slips, just old used ones) and his actual documents are in a duffel bag of unorganized papers.
I want to set up a file drawer of folders for him (well, for ME actually), but he thinks that is "too complicated". I may just have to stay up after he goes to bed and sort out documents all over the living room and just DO IT! It makes me uncomfortable to act so unilaterally, but I guess I have to stop thinking of him as a functioning adult.
Apparently, I have to become "Mom/Financial Manager/Dad" to my child-father... I CAN, it just takes some relational adjustments.
Mom died in 2010, but she was mentally alert, so I don't even have her last days as an example. Dad is more physically able, but is slowly failing mentally. I have NO experience with that up close.
I'm learning fast, I'm patient, and I've lived a rather flexible lifestyle for years. It helps that I'm retired, have no financial problems, and plenty of time to help Dad. But dementia is a cruel thing.
The good news is that Dad eats about anything Standard American (as do I, except fish), and I enjoy cooking. So he is eating a lot better here than at his home (hot dogs and cereal, it seems). He is able to prepare the dinner salad while I make the rest of the meal (a meat, green veg, yellow/orange veg, and he MUST have a potato).
The bad news is that he is confused (mostly) away from the house. Examples:
When we packed up his clothes, we missed the laundry hamper. He only had 2 pair of "tighty-whiteys" here. And he didn't tell me. So I found out today and we went shopping. He found the boy's underwear aisle and I couldn't get him out of it. He just kept looking at the boy's stuff. So I fund his size and brand 2 aisles over (after some effort - Walmart doesn't stock much of that "old guy underwear anymore). He spent 10 minutes searching through boy underwear for his size. He didn't want to stop even when I brought him the kind he wanted. And he had been washing his only 2 pairs of underwear in the bathroom sink!
Shopping for tub attachments to help him shower, we went to Home Depot. We found a side tub handle and a tub bench for him to sit on. Since it was for him, he paid. Or tried to. He kept trying to use him AARP Membership card to pay. He INSISTED it was a credit card (well, it DID have a mag-strip). I knew he had a real credit card, but he would NOT let me just get it out of his wallet. Instead, the poor clerk and I had to wait while he searched and examined every shopper card, drivers license, etc he could find.
I have been explaining to MANY people lately that Dad is "old and having problems" so that they understand... To a person, they have all understood and been patient.
Dad is considerate of the cats. He warns them when he is approaching, and when they sometimes don't move, he bends over carefully and scratches them nicely. He says he likes only dogs, but I think he just won't admit he likes cats too. He IS kindly to pets.
So things are getting settled slowly here. MY bedroom is a clutterred mess because everything "stored" that was in Dad's new bedroom is now in my computer room and bedroom. I'll sort all that out later. Half the battle is getting Dad used to some new places to keep his stuff, and the other half is getting him to remember where that is. I know it will take time, and he IS trying his best.
I got him to a dentist today for a bad tooth. He couldn't understand why Angie's List was better than just picking a name out of the phone book, but he DID like the dentist I found. Next week's medical challenge is finding an internist/geriatrics doctor for him.
Can't wait to find out what the next surprises will be...
It is taking a whole new way of discussing things for me. The best way I can describe it is a spiral. I start a subject that needs to be discussed (like "bank accounts"). Dad takes the subject in directions I can not anticipate ("checkbook" becomes "old checks from investments that he has cashed and stashed in an old checkbook cover"). The conversation may take an hour and look like this:
I sometimes succeed to some degree, sometimes entirely, but usually only in part. Last night's discussion was about bank accounts. He says he has many, but I can't pin him down on what kinds and what banks. And it's not his fault; he doesn't know himself.
There IS slow progress. I have figured out that he has 3 banks. I haven't been able to figure out which banks have what kinds of accounts because he wont let me look through his "checkbooks" (which have no blank checks or deposit slips, just old used ones) and his actual documents are in a duffel bag of unorganized papers.
I want to set up a file drawer of folders for him (well, for ME actually), but he thinks that is "too complicated". I may just have to stay up after he goes to bed and sort out documents all over the living room and just DO IT! It makes me uncomfortable to act so unilaterally, but I guess I have to stop thinking of him as a functioning adult.
Apparently, I have to become "Mom/Financial Manager/Dad" to my child-father... I CAN, it just takes some relational adjustments.
Mom died in 2010, but she was mentally alert, so I don't even have her last days as an example. Dad is more physically able, but is slowly failing mentally. I have NO experience with that up close.
I'm learning fast, I'm patient, and I've lived a rather flexible lifestyle for years. It helps that I'm retired, have no financial problems, and plenty of time to help Dad. But dementia is a cruel thing.
The good news is that Dad eats about anything Standard American (as do I, except fish), and I enjoy cooking. So he is eating a lot better here than at his home (hot dogs and cereal, it seems). He is able to prepare the dinner salad while I make the rest of the meal (a meat, green veg, yellow/orange veg, and he MUST have a potato).
The bad news is that he is confused (mostly) away from the house. Examples:
When we packed up his clothes, we missed the laundry hamper. He only had 2 pair of "tighty-whiteys" here. And he didn't tell me. So I found out today and we went shopping. He found the boy's underwear aisle and I couldn't get him out of it. He just kept looking at the boy's stuff. So I fund his size and brand 2 aisles over (after some effort - Walmart doesn't stock much of that "old guy underwear anymore). He spent 10 minutes searching through boy underwear for his size. He didn't want to stop even when I brought him the kind he wanted. And he had been washing his only 2 pairs of underwear in the bathroom sink!
Shopping for tub attachments to help him shower, we went to Home Depot. We found a side tub handle and a tub bench for him to sit on. Since it was for him, he paid. Or tried to. He kept trying to use him AARP Membership card to pay. He INSISTED it was a credit card (well, it DID have a mag-strip). I knew he had a real credit card, but he would NOT let me just get it out of his wallet. Instead, the poor clerk and I had to wait while he searched and examined every shopper card, drivers license, etc he could find.
I have been explaining to MANY people lately that Dad is "old and having problems" so that they understand... To a person, they have all understood and been patient.
Dad is considerate of the cats. He warns them when he is approaching, and when they sometimes don't move, he bends over carefully and scratches them nicely. He says he likes only dogs, but I think he just won't admit he likes cats too. He IS kindly to pets.
So things are getting settled slowly here. MY bedroom is a clutterred mess because everything "stored" that was in Dad's new bedroom is now in my computer room and bedroom. I'll sort all that out later. Half the battle is getting Dad used to some new places to keep his stuff, and the other half is getting him to remember where that is. I know it will take time, and he IS trying his best.
I got him to a dentist today for a bad tooth. He couldn't understand why Angie's List was better than just picking a name out of the phone book, but he DID like the dentist I found. Next week's medical challenge is finding an internist/geriatrics doctor for him.
Can't wait to find out what the next surprises will be...
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Planning For Dad
I have a new bed bought and the new guest room all cleaned out for it. I have the travel plans all set. I have the never-ending kibble feeder cleaned and ready. There are normally 4 litterboxes and I have 4 more cleaned and ready for fresh litter. There are water bowls and a big bubbler water bowl ready to be set on the floor
The cats will only be left for 2.5 days. Sometime this month (I do not know when - depends on Dad's rehab report at the hospital), I will be gone for 2.5 days.
Dad will be here for "X" years until he needs better help than I can give. But the exact day is not yet known. It won't be THIS night, or tomorrow, so I will waste off tonight with playing Risk and Scrabble online. Because I think it will be a weird week getting Dad up here with me, and I deserve a blow-off night.
I expect to get up about 2 PM tomorrow. LOL!
I go to pick up Dad's new bed ("firm" as he likes it) on Tuesday. It only took an hour at a local bed store to get the best combination of bedframe, foundation and mattress that matched what he is used to (and I don't want to change what he is used to). And it wasn't terribly expensive ($700 all told) and its hard to get a decent one less than that. He will be a bit annoyed that the headboard and footboard seem "fancy and expensive", but it was the simplest one I could find in "twin" size, so he should like that. He's miserly, and hates any spending. But it was the simplest one I thought he would be comfortable in.
So I am set for him at least 2 weeks ahead of arrival.
Watching the cats adjust to Dad will be interesting. Fortunately, he only shuffles his feet, so he won't be stepping on him. And quite frankly, if they can't stay out of his way when he shuffles his feet along, it THEIR problem. Seriously, if they can get stepped on by Dad shuffling his feet slowly, they deserve it.
The whole group of us 3 children are participating in getting Dad from FL to MD, each doing some part with their own abilities. That's the good thing.
Brother Matt doesn't mind driving, Sister Susan is good at emptying old houses for sale, and I am good at planning trips, arranging to shut off services, etc. And I'll be having Dad here which will be a lot of daily personal effort.
This will be the biggest change in my life in 30 years...
The cats will only be left for 2.5 days. Sometime this month (I do not know when - depends on Dad's rehab report at the hospital), I will be gone for 2.5 days.
Dad will be here for "X" years until he needs better help than I can give. But the exact day is not yet known. It won't be THIS night, or tomorrow, so I will waste off tonight with playing Risk and Scrabble online. Because I think it will be a weird week getting Dad up here with me, and I deserve a blow-off night.
I expect to get up about 2 PM tomorrow. LOL!
I go to pick up Dad's new bed ("firm" as he likes it) on Tuesday. It only took an hour at a local bed store to get the best combination of bedframe, foundation and mattress that matched what he is used to (and I don't want to change what he is used to). And it wasn't terribly expensive ($700 all told) and its hard to get a decent one less than that. He will be a bit annoyed that the headboard and footboard seem "fancy and expensive", but it was the simplest one I could find in "twin" size, so he should like that. He's miserly, and hates any spending. But it was the simplest one I thought he would be comfortable in.
So I am set for him at least 2 weeks ahead of arrival.
Watching the cats adjust to Dad will be interesting. Fortunately, he only shuffles his feet, so he won't be stepping on him. And quite frankly, if they can't stay out of his way when he shuffles his feet along, it THEIR problem. Seriously, if they can get stepped on by Dad shuffling his feet slowly, they deserve it.
The whole group of us 3 children are participating in getting Dad from FL to MD, each doing some part with their own abilities. That's the good thing.
Brother Matt doesn't mind driving, Sister Susan is good at emptying old houses for sale, and I am good at planning trips, arranging to shut off services, etc. And I'll be having Dad here which will be a lot of daily personal effort.
This will be the biggest change in my life in 30 years...
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Elder Care For Dad
Well, Dad turned 90 in April, and he's not doing too well. Basically healthy, for sure, but old age is getting a grip. He has to shuffle his feet to walk, can't make turns well, and falls sometimes.
He fell and hurt his head in two places last week. He drove himself to a hospital, which was apparently a harrowing trip. It is very fortunate he did not injure himself or others on that trip. He has been treated and is currently undergoing rehab treatment for balance exercises. But he must not drive again, and he really can't take care of himself anymore. He seems willing to stay in the rehab hospital until I can bring him here.
I will be bringing him here to live with me in the next month or so. So I will be gone for a week at some point, though I won't specify exactly when. I'll leave a few scheduled posts in the meantime, and let you know when I am back.
The neighbors will all know when I am away and will be watching the house closely. They will be advised that there are NO plans for ANYONE to visit and to call the police IMMEDIATELY if anyone shows up attempting to enter the house!
I will hate this trip. I hate travelling. I haven't travelled by plane since before 9-11 and worry about the restrictions. But it has to be done.
The difficult part is that he does not want to move. He's fighting it, but weakening as he discovers how having others provide better meals and help him get around IS rather nice. He HAS to have someone like me to watch over him and feed him well. Wish me the best of luck. It is possible that I will fly back home alone, but I will drag him out of his house short of legal kidnapping.
I'm working out a step-by-step list for all the things that need to be done to get Dad here...
He fell and hurt his head in two places last week. He drove himself to a hospital, which was apparently a harrowing trip. It is very fortunate he did not injure himself or others on that trip. He has been treated and is currently undergoing rehab treatment for balance exercises. But he must not drive again, and he really can't take care of himself anymore. He seems willing to stay in the rehab hospital until I can bring him here.
I will be bringing him here to live with me in the next month or so. So I will be gone for a week at some point, though I won't specify exactly when. I'll leave a few scheduled posts in the meantime, and let you know when I am back.
The neighbors will all know when I am away and will be watching the house closely. They will be advised that there are NO plans for ANYONE to visit and to call the police IMMEDIATELY if anyone shows up attempting to enter the house!
I will hate this trip. I hate travelling. I haven't travelled by plane since before 9-11 and worry about the restrictions. But it has to be done.
The difficult part is that he does not want to move. He's fighting it, but weakening as he discovers how having others provide better meals and help him get around IS rather nice. He HAS to have someone like me to watch over him and feed him well. Wish me the best of luck. It is possible that I will fly back home alone, but I will drag him out of his house short of legal kidnapping.
I'm working out a step-by-step list for all the things that need to be done to get Dad here...
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