Living With Dad, 2

It's an adventure without end (well, yes there will be and end, but you know what I mean).  Sometimes he is lucid, other times he makes no sense.  Sometimes he remembers details of events from years ago, sometimes he isn't sure whether we had dinner.

It is taking a whole new way of discussing things for me.  The best way I can describe it is a spiral.  I start a subject that needs to be discussed (like "bank accounts").  Dad takes the subject in directions I can not anticipate ("checkbook" becomes "old checks from investments that he has cashed and stashed in an old checkbook cover").  The conversation may take an hour and look like this:

I start on the outside and slowly narrow the terms as he understands them until I get a little closer each few minutes.  I ask a question and see how that processes.  Then I adjust the terms in other words to get closer to the fact that I need to get from him.  It can be "difficult" sometimes. 

I sometimes succeed to some degree, sometimes entirely, but usually only in part.  Last night's discussion was about bank accounts.  He says he has many, but I can't pin him down on what kinds and what banks.  And it's not his fault; he doesn't know himself.

There IS slow progress.  I have figured out that he has 3 banks.  I haven't been able to figure out which banks have what kinds of accounts because he wont let me look through his "checkbooks" (which have no blank checks or deposit slips, just old used ones) and his actual documents are in a duffel bag of unorganized papers. 

I want to set up a file drawer of folders for him (well, for ME actually), but he thinks that is "too complicated".  I may just have to stay up after he goes to bed and sort out documents all over the living room and just DO IT!  It makes me uncomfortable to act so unilaterally, but I guess I have to stop thinking of him as a functioning adult.

Apparently, I have to become "Mom/Financial Manager/Dad" to my child-father...  I CAN, it just takes some relational adjustments.

Mom died in 2010, but she was mentally alert, so I don't even have her last days as an example.  Dad is more physically able, but is slowly failing mentally.  I have NO experience with that up close.

I'm learning fast, I'm patient, and I've lived a rather flexible lifestyle for years.  It helps that I'm retired, have no financial problems, and plenty of time to help Dad.  But dementia is a cruel thing.

The good news is that Dad eats about anything Standard American (as do I, except fish), and I enjoy cooking.  So he is eating a lot better here than at his home (hot dogs and cereal, it seems).  He is able to prepare the dinner salad while I make the rest of the meal (a meat, green veg, yellow/orange veg, and he MUST have a potato).

The bad news is that he is confused (mostly) away from the house.  Examples:

When we packed up his clothes, we missed the laundry hamper.  He only had 2 pair of "tighty-whiteys" here.  And he didn't tell me.  So I found out today and we went shopping.  He found the boy's underwear aisle and I couldn't get him out of it.  He just kept looking at the boy's stuff.  So I fund his size and brand 2 aisles over (after some effort - Walmart doesn't stock much of that "old guy underwear anymore).  He spent 10 minutes searching through boy underwear for his size.  He didn't want to stop even when I brought him the kind he wanted.  And he had been washing his only 2 pairs of underwear in the bathroom sink!

Shopping for tub attachments to help him shower, we went to Home Depot.  We found a side tub handle and a tub bench for him to sit on.  Since it was for him, he paid.  Or tried to.  He kept trying to use him AARP Membership card to pay.  He INSISTED it was a credit card (well, it DID have a mag-strip).  I knew he had a real credit card, but he would NOT let me just get it out of his wallet.  Instead, the poor clerk and I had to wait while he searched and examined every shopper card, drivers license, etc he could find.

I have been explaining to MANY people lately that Dad is "old and having problems" so that they understand...  To a person, they have all understood and been patient. 

Dad is considerate of the cats.  He warns them when he is approaching, and when they sometimes don't move, he bends over carefully and scratches them nicely.  He says he likes only dogs, but I think he just won't admit he likes cats too.  He IS kindly to pets.

So things are getting settled slowly here.  MY bedroom is a clutterred mess because everything "stored" that was in Dad's new bedroom is now in my computer room and bedroom.  I'll sort all that out later.  Half the battle is getting Dad used to some new places to keep his stuff, and the other half is getting him to remember where that is.  I know it will take time, and he IS trying his best.

I got him to a dentist today for a bad tooth.  He couldn't understand why Angie's List was better than just picking a name out of the phone book, but he DID like the dentist I found.  Next week's medical challenge is finding an internist/geriatrics doctor for him. 

Can't wait to find out what the next surprises will be...