Living With Dad, 4

Lucidity comes and goes, but some subjects are more confusing for him than others.  Yesterday, we were talking about a few events from years past and he remembers them, providing rich accurate details.  Yet today, we were filling out a customer survey from the rehab hospital he was in for 2 weeks in May and he can barely recall the stay there.

I knew, abstractly, that old memories can be recalled easier than new ones in elder parents, but seeing the actuality of it is jarring sometimes.  And I am comfortable helping him relive the things he CAN remember.  It gives him something unconfusing to talk about and me something unconfusing to listen to.  And I find out a few things I never knew before.

Like that HE was golfing friends with the fathers of a couple of high school acquintances.  How come we never got together even on the golf course as Fathers and Sons?  Well, I knew that Dad never connected HIS friendships with MINE, but you would think that would have happened even by accident occasionally.  Ah, well, mysteries abound around Dad now and in the past.

The main thing is the present.  Today's adventure was some bills he had to pay.  Property taxes for the coming annual year for 2 condos he rents out.  Payment was straightforward and he understood what the payments were for.  In spite of that, it took 45 minutes of care to get the checks written and registered and put in envelopes.

It will be no surprise to people with elderly parents, but he dithers over every little detail, and usually the same details several times.  I could have done the whole thing in 3 minutes, but it is important to him that he do these things as long as he can, so I spend the time. 

One big problem he has is writing.  He can barely sign his name, so writing out the details of a check is a BIG DEAL for him.  I finally realized that I could (legally, I hope) write out the check as long as he signed it.  So I did the complicated parts and he signed them after I showed him how each check matched up with the details on the tax bills.  It even distressed him to use one of MY return address stickers on the envelope.  I had to assure him several times that the return address sticker was only for the mailbox to return a misaddressed envelope to, NOT the person sending the envelope.  But I will make him his OWN address labels tomorrow (I have a program and stick forms for that).

Then there was the bank statement.  He was sure it was a bill at first and was distressed at the large dollar amounts on it.  I went through that with him line by line and showed him the same amounts in his checkbook register.  He can pay bills and keep track in his check register, but can't understand them weeks later.  I asked him about balancing his checkbook, but he said he trusts his bank statement.  I balance mine each month, but I have to admit that I have never found a statement in error in 40 years, so he may have a point.  Still, I will take a look at his bank statements to make sure there are no charges he didn't authorize.  "Accurate balances" is not the same as "authorized charges".  Dad tends to think charity requests (for good public services like fire and police) are "bills", and I need to make sure that they aren't abusing his support with repeated withdrawals from ONE donation.

Fortunately, I have made many file folders for his use.  He didn't like the file folders, preferring his "own system" (randomly stacked documents in a duffel bag, a briefcase, and a tote bag).  I made the file folders with bright yellow post-it notes stapled to the tops.  I'll make nice file labels when I know which ones he actually needs, but he can read the neon-yellow post-it labels clearly.  I have a file drawer emptied just for his use when all is settled, but for now they are in a box on the table.

After objecting to file folders for 2 weeks, he surprisingly did not object when I stuck his property tax statements (marked "PAID" in big letters) into a folder labeled "PROPERTY TAXES"  and his bank X statement into a folder labeled "BANK X".  He hates changes, but understands order "after the fact"...

I think that I can finally get him to allow me (with his oversight) to sort out his duffel bag and briefcase documents.  I've been working up to this slowly for 2 weeks, and my patience is finally paying off.  Some children, I think, get impatient and just unilaterally DO THINGS for their elderly parents.  I want to keep Dad mentally involved in all his financial processes, even if he doesn't really understand what they are.  I'd rather explain and show things several times then make him feel out of control of his life.

And then there was the medications...  Oh that must be one of the most difficult parts.  I have little experience with medications.  I just don't need any.  So I have to research each and every pill bottle I find.  Between the rehab hospital OTC meds and the several prescription meds I found today (when Dad said he had none, I spent time on the internet.  I won't describe the meds in detail for his personal privacy, but there are some he was supposed to be taking for months and hasn't.  Dad says a 2nd (unnamed) doctor daid not to take them.  I doubt that.

So tomorrow, I have to find a good doctor and arrange a "from scratch" physical and med regimen that I can talk to the doctor about.  Heck, I need a permanent primary doctor myself, so I will try to find the same one for both of us.  We are BOTH  seniors now.  I've read that the best thing for both of us aging guys is a male internist/geriatrics doctor about 5 years out of medical school.  Angie's List, here I come!  Well, AL got us a great dentist...

Food is still working well here.  Dad eats anything, but fortunately, I love to cook from scratch and have a naturally healthy diet (the old fashioned kind of "some" meat, several veggies and a couple glasses of red wine).  I wish I could get Dad to stop demanding a potato and white bread with each meal, but be thing at a time.  Maybe I can convince him that sweet potatoes are "potatoes".  But he is already eating better here than even at the hospital (they overcooked all his veggies, I sampled them).  I steam mine.

I want Dad to gain some weight, but not as fat.  So I make meals of (for example) a marinated baked chicken thigh with a tossed salad with carrot and tomato, a green veg and a orange/yellow veg (and dammit a half a potato).  He wants cake and ice cream for dessert, but I've been adding some fresh fruit slices to that and he DOES dutifully eat everything on his plate.

Thankfully, he doesn't miss having a car.  He doesn't wander.  He knows where he is in terms of the house, though he isn't always sure of what State he is in and confuses past residences.  FL is becoming a vague memory.  He doesn't seem to have any signs of Alzheimers, but some of early Parkinson's (repetitive foot-tapping and hand tremors, and he has the shuffle-foot problem where he can't LIFT a foot enough to START walking most times).

On the positive side, that means he can't raise his feet enough to step on the cats...  The cats appreciate that.  OK, just a little humor there.

He is close to falling over often, but he is aware of the problem well enough that he walks very carefully with support structures (tables, chairs) in sight at all times.  And many times he can walk very confidently.  I'm not sure what to make of that.  Just this morning, he suddenly got up, walked down the inside stairs and the outside steps and got the newspaper.  He walked quite confidently!  So THAT comes and goes too.

I still haven't figured out how to resolve the thermostat problem. Dad wants it at 78, I want it at 70.  Its set at 74.  I have to admit, I am adjusting to the warmer temperature.  But Dad still complains about being cold all the time.  I've gone to wearing shorts and the lightest shirts I have every day, so there isn't much more I can do.  Yet Dad insists on wearing light pants and a light knit short-sleeve shirt (without even an undershirt).  And complains!

I gave him a couple of old long sleeve shirts, but he complains they are "heavy".  Well, yeah, he's not used to those.  Well, I'M not used to shorts either.  I work outside in the gardens a lot on my knees and my knees are complaining as if I was suddenly going barefoot on rough ground.  I'm drawing  line on the temperature.  Dad has to learn to wear warmer clothes!

He doesn't seem to understand anything between light short-sleeve shirts and sweaters.  I offerred light long-sleeved shirts, but he doesn't like them.  I think it's the wrist cuffs that feel odd to him.

Any suggestions?

And to anyone who has read this far down through this very lengthy post, THANK YOU!