Well, the decision has been made. An assisted living facility (ALF) has been chosen, I have forms to fill out, Dr appointments to make, etc. The family has found a good place near most of them (out of my area). Entry is available May 1st.
I am sad about all of this, of course, but relieved as well. Dad needs more attention and care than I can continue to give without slipping into martyrdom.
There are so many things to plan.
That doesn't mean that the several conversations with Dad were easy; they wern't. But it does mean that HE accepts that he is going to need more physical assistance soon than I can provide. I discussed that the precise costs depended on the level of care he needed and he asked what those were. Oh thanks for smooth tranisitions and killer arguments... When I said that the monthly care costs depended on whether someone could dress, bathe and use the bathroom themselves vs someone who couldn't, he blurted out "but pretty soon I'LL need that help"!
And then he realized he was needing assisted living care soon. I discussed waiting lists and the benefits of being where there was proffessional assistance just BEFORE he needed it. He accepted that he needed to go to an ALF.
There are many more family members where he will be moving to than there are here (just me here and 6 where he is going).
He hasn't given up the struggle. He raises trivial arguments. It will be so complicated to move (no), he has so many billing addresses to change (no). He needs to approve the bedroom (well, no, but only because its better than the one here).
He says he trusts my sister's judgement on the place (except he doesn't really). He is afraid of something that I haven't gotten him to talk about yet. We will discuss this again in the early afternoon when he is most alert.
My main purpose is to keep his focus on the positive aspects of moving to a good ALF. The longer it goes with him accepting that he will be moving, the better it will be.
There will be some more awkward conversations the next few days, but every day without him saying "no" will be a good one.
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7 comments:
Oh - what a relief Mark. I'm so pleased that you've found somewhere that you and your family feel will meet your father's needs and that your father has, so far, accepted that he needs the kind of support that he can only really find in assisted care. Hopefully the family members who live closer by will become regular visitors, which will help stimulate him and ensure that he knows that he is loved and cared for.
Megan
Sydney, Australia
Sounds like it's a good thing that he knows he will need the help soon, if he doesn't think he needs it now. Not that that makes it any easier.. but it helps. It's wonderful that he'll be closer to so many other family members. I hope you'll still be able to get to see him too.
I wonder if the thing he's not talking about is the fact that he's nervous about someone, a 'stranger', having to help clean him up. That's a big one and one that's hard to talk about, or accept sometimes. Just assure him that they're professionals and they do this all the time, it's not a big deal to them. Keep up the positives! Hugs to you both for all the changes this is going to be!
::big sigh::
The die is cast...I think once the transition is over (always scary) your Dad will be pleased. It's good that he can still feel like he's making a choice to do this. How far away from you will he be?
Oh Mark - you have done such a good job of talking with him. You can give yourself a big pat on the back for preparing him for this move. I'm so thankful for your sake that he is taking this move well. Hugs friend, you have done an amazing job.
This is good news! It will take some transitioning, but he may like that he gets more visitors.
The first few weeks in th ALF are the hardest. Then the routine becomes familiar and comforting. He will actually feel better with the stimulation of others to interact with. You've done a great job taking care of him, now it's time for the professionals.
I too am relieved for you, and I hope the transition goes smoothly. T.
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