Funniest Jokes

Since I will be pretty loopy and really unhappy after the tooth extraction at 2 pm today, I am leaving the 4 best jokes I ever heard, for your amusement.  I'll be back online Friday (I hope) or Saturday (If things are difficult) when the extraction heals and I don't have the painkiller pills messing up my mind...

Laughter is sometimes the best medicine...

1.  Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911s. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's actually dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


2.  Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tent for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

	Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
	Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
	Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
	Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
	Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

3.  Two guys are in the woods when they see a grizzly bear running towards them. The first guy runs away and the other follows.

Surprised, the other man says " What are you thinking, we can't outrun a bear!  The first guy says "I just have to outrun you." 

4.  A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...

"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises." 

Hope you liked them 

Happy Birthday To Me.

Today's my 64th birthday (sounds of the Beatles "When I'm 64" running around my head),  Tomorrow, I get a tooth pulled out,  and I mean yanked right out of my jaw like it was done 100 years ago.  Well, OK, painkillers are better today.

Um, "woo hoo and yippee"...

And I'm not even allowed to have any wine afterwards even with dinner for 2 days because the painkiller pill is serious stuff.  The dentist says I should have someone "with me", but I don't so I will just stay in bed with the cats, have some soup ready for reheating, and wait the healing out.

He says I can't even drink through a straw ("negative pressure").  I bet I can. But I may not test it.

I hate having been too stupid to have avoided easier solutions, but sometimes even intelligent people do stupid things.  Seriously, 8 years ago, I could have just had the damn crown reglued back on.  All I can say is that ignoring it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Don't ignore dental stuff!!!

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday you stupid idiot,
Happy Birthday to me.

Thinking Outside The Box

I'm a very law-abiding person (well, before and after my college days).  But I do think of myself as creative.  So I saw something today that really blew my mind.

I was in the car waiting for the left turn light to come on and a guy in the straight-through lane came to a complete stop in the intersection.  And stayed there.  This is something I have never seen before.

I pondered that while the various traffic lights cycled around to my turn and I carefully drove around the stopped car.

Then it hit me!  No, not the car, just a sudden realization.  The intersection has one of those "automated traffic-ticket cameras".  They work by taking a picture of your back license plate after you drive through the intersection after the red light comes on.

OMG, he stopped in the intersection so that the camera couldn't take a picture of his license plate.  When the light turns green again, the camera won't take a picture!!!

I'm not supporting drivers pushing red traffic lights; its dangerous to them and others.  The driver probably has other bad habits.  In fact, it's likely that he's a jerk.

But I just have to admire the thinking of anyone who figures out a way around some of the minor daily rules of life.

Deck

Well, I had a deck builder come by yesterday to discuss replacing the old deck.

When I moved here 27 years ago, one of the first major things I did was build a 2-level deck.  The main floor had sliding glass doors 10" above ground level and a pre-made fence section nailed across the outside so that no one could accidently open the doors and fall out.

But below that was a sunken patio with a cinder block wall around it.  So it seemed like a good idea to use the cinder block wall to support deck posts, and I sort of wanted to use the sliding glass doors for "something".  I bought a book on building decks, designed one, ordered the lumber for delivery, and recruited a friend and a friend-of-that-friend to help.  I'm a by-the-book builder.  I follow "the rules" (Dad was an engineer, and certain habits get passed along).  Like bracing posts using small boards to anchor the posts.  The friend had the carpentry skills of a hippo (zero) and his friend was a "just do it fast" type.  It was not a good combination.

But it worked out OK.  They did the initial cutting away of some vinyl siding (I couldn't watch that part)  and heavy lifting to get the ledger board attached to the house.  I did all the rest myself so I could do it "my way").  Even today, the deck guy pounded and jumped on the deck and said it was still "damn solid".  But even pressure-treated wood does not last forever, the deck was never build "to code" (I had no idea there were codes at the time), and it is ugly as hell.  You can build something to engineering specifications and still have it "ugly".  My artistic skills are not outstanding.  If I had design physical things for a living, I would starve to death.  Let's just say that if life was a ballet, I would be a hippo!  My constructions are very functional, but that that's about it.

Plus, it is a 2-level deck.  The higher level is 12'x12' and the lower level 12'x16'.  I had in mind throwing parties in my new house.  I learned I couldn't fill a closet with "friends" and I'm am not a party-thrower...

So the new deck will be a slightly larger upper one and no lower deck.  The new 16'x16' deck will have very sturdy composite flooring (it used to be cheap and flimsy, but the current stuff is as solid as real '2" by 'wood, and will last longer than I will.  And it is colored right through, so no staining required. 

It will take a several weeks for the deck guy to get the building permit, which is good because it gets me past my dental work next week and also into the drier time on the year (the front yard is muddy in April/May and it is a LOT easier for him to bring the lumber into the back yard by small truck).  I can't wait.

BTW, I mentioned only one builder.  I'm good about competitive bids.  I had 4 estimates last Fall.  So I took the one I preferred among those and asked him for a revised estimate.  Since the revised estimate was so close to the previous one (even with a couple of changes) I just accepted that one.

Why Do I have Books?

Why do I have books?

I had to really ask myself that question today.  And the answer is "because I used to read voraciously" and "because I am very information-oriented".  I am the reason bookstores used to exist.  More succinctly, I grew up "pre-internet and pre-cableTV" and needed books if I wanted information or entertainment.  I used to come home from work, make dinner and then sit in a chair reading a book with a cat on my lap (back in the days of Mischief, Cat Ballou, and Sport-Sport).

I spent 50 years collecting books on varieties of subjects.  I have 60 linear feet of science fiction books, for example.  I also have nearly as many books on science, history, cooking, gardening, philosophy, evolution, fishing, nature, cats, geography, general reference, etc.  OMG, I even have a 3' long set of 40 year old encyclopedias!  What possible value do those have today when the internet is at my fingertips?  They do look impressive though...

But because I decided not to move, I thought it would be a good idea to de-clutter the house and make it look more open.  One thing I realized was that I seldom read books anymore.  So the first project was to reduce all the bookshelf display space. 

I was astonished at how much sci-fi I had.  I was also astonished to realize that I hadn't the slightest idea of the plot of at least half of them.  I packed those into 7 boxes for storage (I can't get myself to simply dispose of them, though I may donate them to some worthy cause later).  I kept the rest, but double-shelved them in the computer room bookcases to save space. 

Then I moved most of the information books from the living room bookcases to the newly-freed computer room bookcase shelves.  I could probably pack up most of those too, but I at least want to display my interests, and even with the internet, many of them are still useful.

The living room bookcases will become mostly for decoration and display.  I have some sets of books that are either valuable (anyone ever heard of "Real Books" or "All About Books"?), presentable (like the uniform 20something book set of gardening and the similiar fishing and hunting set - both from those "once a month" subscription series popular in the 1980s), or impressive (like Winston Churchill's 6 volume series about WWII).

[Speaking of Churchill, I have to mention one of my favorite anecdotes.  Churchill was seated at a fancy dinner party next to a stuffy old dowager who intensely disapproved of him.  At one pointed she hissed "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison you".  To which Churchill famously (and immediately) replied "Madame, if I were your husband, I would let you".  Damn, I wish I could think that fast!]

Well, anyway, back to the books...  Almost all of the non-decorative books are in the computer room (my cookbooks are staying near the kitchen).   Some of the books I discovered I owned amazed me.  Books on magic tricks, odd things to do with common household items, Gray's Anatomy, World Almanacs, Twain's 'Life On The Mississippi', the collected works of Edgar Allan Poe,  college textbooks from the 1970s.  Just amazing stuff.

I might even start reading again...

Dental Visit Results

Well, the dentist visit today was just an exam, but the news is awful.  I have to have a tooth removed (I had expected that, but hoped I was wrong).  I have 2 teeth with partial filling loss and one may need a crown.  And there is one he wants to examine more closely later (not urgent).  Its my own fault; I avoided things for too long.

The tooth removal is scheduled for May 22nd.  I gather that it really is pretty much the "pliers and yanking” process.  Well, OK, he says its fancy "screwdrivers" to rock the roots back and forth, but he will still be kneeling on me and pulling hard and I will actually have to hold my head UP while he pulls DOWN.

I love that they take digital xrays these days.  I had an internal one and one that revolved around my head outside.  Instantly on the computer screen!  I looked at it carefully, and could see my gum line (very healthy) but WOW do those tooth roots go DEEP!  They are like icebergs, 90% hidden.  It's NOT going to be fun.

I’ll be really unhappy for a couple of days after that and I don’t even get to have any alcohol.  Apparently, the pain-killer can only do so much BUT it  reacts badly with alcohol AND you are a bit loopy.  I may have to disconnect my computer before the extraction so I don’t type insane stuff.  Can’t upset my friends with crazed rants from a drugged blogger.  In fact, I think I will arrange for a pre-scheduled post to that effect that day, just in case. 

The tooth extraction is unavoidable  and further work is necessary and I am going to hate this next few weeks.  But the dentist is good.  Well, OK. He is highly rated on Angie's List.  But he is also honest.  He told me the bad parts, he understands my physical problems with the dentist chair, and described how he will adjust to them as much as possible.  I can't ask much more than that.

I think I will ask him to email me the digital xrays.  That would be cool to look at!  And show.  Well, medical stuff is fascinating to me.  I love seeing my insides (the better to understand my self).

Tomorrow, back to normal stuff, like planting my tomatoes...

An Overdue, But Unwanted Visit

I'm sure you have all had to eventually to something you avoided as long as possible.  Tomorrow is my day for one of those.  Tomorrow, I visit The Dentist.

8 years ago, the first week of my retirement, I was having lunch with a friend to celebrate my retirement.  A filling came loose.  Well, it didn't bother me to have it missing, so I delayed going to a dentist to replace it.  My previous dentist had just retired and I didn't like the rather odd attitude of the 2 guys who bought his practice.  Somehow, the oldr dentist's motto of "We cater to cowards" because "Deal with it you coward". 

So not feeling any immediate problem, I figured I would just find a new dentist.  Besides, I had some problems in the dental chair, so I kind of avoided doing annything.

No one likes the dental chair, but my reasons are not (I think) the usual ones.  I don't mind the drilling.  I don't feel it, I don't care.  The dentist could just as well be drilling my name in a concrete slab on the wall.

But I have some problems that cause me to avoid the dental chair mightily!  And if you are sqeamish, just stop reading.  Those of you you who accept that bodily functions vary and are sometimes annoying, may read on.

I have smoked for 45 years, and there are consequences.  I cough a lot, I have a constant nasal drip at the back of my throat, my nose runs, I swallow constantly, and as soon has my jaw is open, I salivate.  And there are some problems I had before I smoked.  I have a small jaw, my teeth are crowded (when I was 30, one dentist wanted to remove 1 forward molar in each right/left and upper/lower part of my jaw to let the remaining teeth "spread out",  I can't open my mouth very wide (a standard thick sandwich is a problem, and a thick sub is impossible).

So when that lost-filling tooth twinged a few months ago, I became worried.  It subsided, bit there were a few days months later when I detected some problems.

A month ago, I noticed some "pinkish"  as I expelled my toothpaste.  And then a tiny bit of filling.  Then pinkish regulary.  I recognized that I had to do something about that and  started cutting done on cigarettes.  The connection there is that I sure wanted to not cough and have to swallow in the dental chair.

Last week, I suddenly felt a slight movement at that bad tooth.  I suspect that there is a broken piece of tooth at the gumline.  Fortunately, there is no pain (I think I had a root canal work there 20 years ago). 

But it meant that I couldn't put visiting a dentist any longer.  I had had Dad living with me for a year in May 2012 to 2013 nd he had a tooth problem.  So I had searched Angie's List for the best local dentists.  And the one I found for him was very good. 

I visited his office today and made an appointment.  He's not going to be happy with the problems I have described above.  But he specializes on children an old people, and in my experience watching him work on Dad's bad tooth, he will be the most tolerant dentist I can find.

I will see how the initial visit goes.  He may simply pull out bits of a broken tooth  and drill out the roots.  I wouldn't mind the tooth simply being removed.  Or he may see I can't handle the dental chair concious and suggest sedation dentistry.

But this is a big step for me right now.  I'm not scared of the dentistry work; just my body's annoying reactions to all that stuff in my mouth.  The dentist doesn't scare me.  But I'm afraid I might choke to death while he does his good work!

If I don't return, then something went really wrong.  Seriously, one never knows...

To Move or Not To Move Part 2

Wow, I can't imagine two more perfect sides to my internal argument about moving than the first 2 comments to yesterdays post.  I'll stick to given handles in reference...

Fuzzy Tales expresses my desire to move to a better place.  There are things I don't like here.  Some of those things would be very difficult to fix and leveling the annoying english ivy-covered ridge is not a simple task.  I can't get rid of the stairs to the basement, and some days I have to walk carefully down them.  There is something that often gets stiff in my left knee at the bone.  I want a house easier to get around in. I may only be 64, but I won't be getting any younger.  The stairs will get more problematic in the next decade.  That possible new house doesn't have to mean "fancier", just "more suited to me".

But Megan makes the argument in the other side of my head.  I like much of where I am and I do not like change.  I live on a dead end street, so there is little traffic.  It is quiet here, and I like that.  I am separated from one neighbor by a drainage easement and the orientation of our houses are relatively far apart.  On the other side, the neighbor is practically non-existent, and that is fine with me. 

I'm not not quite a hermit, but privacy is good.  I'm friendly to talk to to and helpful when asked.  But I'm reminded of something I read about Daniel Boone in the frontier days when he noticed smoke from the chimney of a new house across the valley and decided it was time to move because it was "getting crowded".  There is a difference between "alone" and "lonely".  I don't feel "lonely" here.

I expect I can find a place I would like slightly better than this one.  And again, not bigger or fancier, just "better".  But slightly more suited comes with a lot of effort.   I have contacted a moving company to give me an estimate of "what you see is what you pack and move" and I have contacted a Buyer's Agent, who according to what I have read, represents ME in the house-buying process.

It will be interesting to see where this goes.  I have to admit that, if I could just show someone the house and just say "move it" that would be a great relief (at a cost).  I don't think I can do it on my own.  Then I could choose how much to do on my own.  And if I have an agent representing ME in a purchase, that takes a lot of worry off my mind too.  What I've read about a Buyer Agent suggests that I would save more than the cost.

When I sat down at a table to sign the contract on this house there were 6 lawyers sitting at the other end just daring me to ask any questions.  They knew what they were doing, and I didn't.  They didn't want me to read the contract (I did anyway - mostly), and whenever I asked a question it was either "that's the law" or they all asked a bunch of questions back at me. 

But there was was no one on MY side.  I won't do that again!  I will have an expert on MY side of the table who knows how to read the contract and who represents ME and not the seller.

I look forward to hearing from  several moving company (highly rated ones from Angie's List).  This move might actually happen sometime in the next year...  After 27 years, I can hardly imagine it.

To Move Or Not To Move

Every couple of years, I get an urge to move.  I've lived here since 1986.  I go through the same procedure.  Contact some random real estate agent in possible areas in Maryland, ask about available houses that might meet my desires, then give up and stay here.

I'm not doing it for the fun of it.  I analyze things reasonably well.  The equation is that the problems I want to leave behind are just about equal the the time, cost, and trouble of moving.  Staying in place just seems easier.

I keep coming up with lists and evaluating the lists is all subjective.  If they were numbers, the additions and subtractions would come out about "zero".  For example:

1.  I'm getting older so I'd like not to have stairs.  But spread-out 1 floor houses are more expensive.
2.  I'd like a open style house with 3' walls.  But that means everything has to stay clean.
3.  An open style house give more appearance of space.  But then there are few walls to put tall things up against.
4.  My gardening here is shaded too much by neighbors' trees, but a larger open yard costs more.
5.  My D-I-Y home improvement work over the years has not exactly been terrible, but not admirable either.  I can live with it a lot better than I could sell it to someone else.
6.  The things I dislike about the yard would be nice to escape.  But most of them also fixable.
7.  I know this house so intimately.  I can walk around here in the dark.  In a new house, it would take a year of turning on all the lights at night just to find the bathroom.
8.  Speaking of knowing the house, I knew last year that there was a problem with the A/C just by a slight change in the pitch of the sound.
9.  After 27 years, I have found about the best place for EVERYTHING! I can't imagine how long that would take in a new house.
10.  The cats know how not to get lost here.  That stands by itself as seriously important.  On the other hand, I kept Tinkerbelle inside for a month before I let her out on a harness/leash every day for a few weeks and she didn't get lost.
11.  I'm used to this place and the structures.  Like the 2 sheds.  They fit everything perfectly.  But there isn't anything here I can't replicate on a new property.  And a new larger one would be nicer than 2 old ones.
12.  My garage is so tight that I have only 6" on each side as I pull in.  That seems like a lot more than it is.  Naturally, I don't do that fast.  And I've managed to get some white garage paint on every car I've ever owned.  I could live with a larger garage.
13.  Living here 27 years also means I have long-standing relationships with a Dr, a Dentist, a Barber, etc.  I know where every store is.  The butchers and wineshops know me.  One special orders my favorite wine jusy for me.  Giving that up is hard.

But almost all of those statements could be reversed.  A new house means new possibilities for better arrangements.  No stairs would be easier in the coming years.  An open lot would let me apply the things I've learned about gardening to a new space.  I might find that a new house arrangement is much easier to move around in.   There is some excitement in designing new flowerbeds.  The cats might love the extra yard space and new places to explore.  Unlike when moving here, dead broke with my bank account flat-lined, I have money now (not much D-I-Y work needed).  And unlike when I moved here in my first house and didn't recognize the cheap, cheating ways of my builder, I have some experience in evaluating an existing house or especially one being built new. 

There are other issues.  I could have a solar energy roof and a geothermal heating/cooling system.  I could start with extreme energy-efficient appliances.  In short, I could go from 27 years ago to up-to-date all at once, and probably good enough for the rest of my independent life.  At some cost and a lot of effort...

So it's "familiarity" versus "excitement",  "no effort to stay here" versus "much work in moving".

So I'm asking of those of you who have moved and liked the decision, and those of you who have chosen not to moved and liked the decision, what do you think?  What did you like about your decision to move or not move.  Both decisions are valid, and I'm stuck between them.

I don't often ask for help in making my decisions, but I'm really on the bubble and could use some thoughts.

Swamp Yard

OK, the lower front yard lawn has been sinking the past 20 years.  It was originally an erosion gully and I had it filled 20 years ago.  I had an entire dumptruck of regular yard soil added there and I spent a week spreading it out.  But it has sunk over the years and any rain collects in there; its a swamp now.  I dug a trench from there to the street drain, but it always fills up with tree debris and gets blocked. 

I need more soil.  But how much?  Well, I'm going to set up stakes with strings on them at the level that seems best.  I'll measure severel places under the strings to estimate the soil needed. I am good at geometry.  Then I'll add 50% for packing the soil down a bit.  Not too packed, but it has to be packed enough to resist just being washed away in storms until new grass grows.  And a bit too high would be better than too low.  After all, too low IS the problem.

I'm tired of half the front lawn being squishy to walk on for days after every rain (and unmowable).  Last year, I thought the drainage ditch I dug would solve the problem.  It doesn't.  Time for a more permanent solution.

A Difficult Subject

A botched execution by lethal injection of a condemned convict has been in the news lately.  I'm not going to discuss that.  But my thoughts turned to the chemicals used to humanely euthanize our pets.  I thought they were the same chemicals. 

Most internet searches suggest that they are (some listed other chemicals that are used).  It is difficult to tell how up-to-date these articles are because sites discussing the subject seldom have publication dates.  The news reports about the botched lethal injection stated that the chemicals previously used are no longer produced (one article I read, and lost track of, carefully said "for US prison executions").  If they are not available for executing convicts, then are they available for our pets? 

I am worried that the routinely most humane pet euthanasia protocol has been eliminated by the concerns over the ethics of human lethal injection execution.  I worry about the future of humane pet euthanasia...

I have personal experience.  My cat, Skeeter, was euthanized in 2008 in the extremity of kidney failure.  I was there.  He was sedated and then administered a dose of sodium thiopental while I held his head and looked into his eyes.  The vet was listening to his heart.  5 seconds later, he said "he's gone", but listened another 30 seconds to be absolutely sure.  Not a twitch or eye movement.  I was so grateful for the ease of his passing.

So what happens now for our dear pet friends if there is no sodium thiopental?  Or is it still produced for veterinary use?  I can't find the answer on the internet.  And I want to know.

I'm not worried about my cats right now.  The oldest is only 6.  I'm sure the future will bring forth better chemicals for the sad need of pet euthanasia.  But some cats are older and I know that many are euthanized every day. 

What of them, now? 

It disturbs me to raise this question.  But the need for an answer is strong.  If the best chemicals for humane euthanasia are no longer available, what IS being used now?  And if not the BEST chemicals to free our dear furrends from difficult painful lingering ends, WHY NOT?

Comedy Time

I love telephone spammers, I really do.  They are endless sources of amusement. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't love them for what they do.  I would rather they all went to a Dante-ish low circle of hell.  But they don't threaten ME, so I sometimes torture them a bit to make sure they get some punishment here on Earth.

I have mey telephone set to Robonomo (check it out, its great, most commercial calls go away after one ring).  But some get through.  So today I got a call about my credit card.  The scammer had the last 4 digits of my card (the public part) and nothing else, so I knew it was scam.

I am reconstructing the conversation as accurately as I can, but I need to mention that I had been up about 42+ hours (noon to midnight to midnight to almost noon, so I WAS in rare form and at my finest.  Actually the rarest of events when "staircase wit" is in real time...  It sure doesn't happen often in life, but today was the day!

Spammer is in red, I'm green.

Ring ring

Hello.

Silence

Start talking!!!

Hello, I'm from Chase.

I knew it was a spam right there, so off we went.  What are you chasing?

Not chasing, sir.  I am calling about a problem with a Chase credit card.

I have a Chase credit card?

Yes, sir, ending in xxxx.

What is the problem?  Did I lose it?  

No, there has been a questionable transaction and we need some information.  

Now at this point, I usually just hang up of course, but I was annoyable, revved up from being on the computer playing Scrabble, and feeling a bit mean.  So...

Do tell!

Yes sir, and we need you to confirm your credit card number.

What do you want me to confirm?  

Your credit card number.

You have provided no information to "confirm"  (air quote inflection)  .  "Conformation" means you give me information to agree with.

I have used that line before.

Um, I mean I need you to reply with the other digits of your credit card so that we know who we are speaking to.

Well, why don't you give me the middle digits so I know who *I* am speaking to?

Oh we can't do that, it might compromise the card number security!

Well, if you are from Chase, then you have my email address and gif security picture?

Yes, sir.

So you know it is a golf club?

(it isn't)

Yes Sir!


Well, why don't you just tell me some other digits of my card number?  After all, if I know the golf club image is my security gif, then I must be the person you think you hope you might have reached, right?

Um...

You actually sound like an intelligent person.  Why don't you have a real job?    But anyway, if you wanted to scam me better, why didn't you call about Mom's respirator payment being late.

Well, that's part of the transaction I am calling about...

(Mom died 4 years ago)

I need more talented scammers.  Please call back when you find one!

I'm not perfect.  After that I just laughed at the guy, telling him he was SO incompetent that he should throw himself on a funeral pyre of his own construction before his boss did it for him.

OK, I ran out of clever thoughts by then and just hung up... But I was pretty pleased with myself by that point. Everyone deserves that one perfect time when they say everything right...  And today was mine!

I bet I couldn't do that on a full night's sleep...

More Garden Work

Well, after the first 2 sessions pulling up and cutting the garden path carpet, I attacked it again today after a day's rest.  Fortunately, I got better at it as I went along.  I scraped soil and vines off the top, used my flat spade to cut along the edges, wore leather gloves to make it easier to pull vines loose, and also used the spade to slide under the carpet to pry it up loose from roots. 

I finished the carpet removal today (well, there is some left but it is outside of my project area).  As in all projects, you get good at the hardest parts by the time you are done.  I should mention the spade.  Years ago, I found an all metal spade for sale and bought one.  The first one bent and the seller was shocked but replaced it as having a defect.  The replacement has lasted 15 years or so and seems indestructable.  I love using it!

And I should also mention that, yeah, I could hire some guys to do this work.  I could afford it, and if I found the right people, they might even do the job better.  But the point is to actually do the work myself.  Meaning no disrespect, but following the very good logic of hiring people to do gardening work, I should just shop at the grocery stores and farmers markets.  But I mostly garden for the pleasure of the effort (even when sometimes the effort seems overwhelming) because the harvest is more satisfying.

I don't garden to save money.  It is nearly impossible to beat a commercial farm for efficiency of cost.  But I have never been able to buy a Cherokee Purple or Brandywine tomato that tasted as good as one straight from the garden.  And the same is true of much corn and other crops.  Some crops, I can't find anywhere. 

And I have to have something productive to do.  I suppose that if I wasn't gardening, I would be building birdhouses, raising tropical fish, or constructing string art.  Something...

My preference is to grow things.  And that takes WORK!  This garden enclosure is likely to be one of the last major yard projects (I do still want to renovate my 8' circular fish pond too).  So doing this before I get too old to try is important.

I'm being careful.  I do hard work for 15-30 minutes and I stop for an hour to rest.  I have a good sense of "how much is too much".  I have always avoided "work til you drop".  In a way, that is just showing off, and it is risky. 

Projects aren't competitions.  They are goals with purposes.  My purpose in this project is to establish a limited, well-organized gardening area free of squirrel, groundhog, and rabbit destruction.

I have thought about how to change my existing 8'x3' beds into the longer (more efficient) 16"x4' beds.  Dreams are wonderful things.  I woke up suddenly a couple nights ago realizing that the two 4'x4' beds were exactly within the space I needed for the first 16'x4' bed.  I just need to dig/chop out the tree saplings and fading 20 year old rose bushes for one and pot up the herbs from the other (for later replanting).

Then I can build the first (of three) 16'x4' frame around them and start transferring soil from the other 8'x3' beds to that one.  Then I can break apart those old frames (of the emptied beds) and build the other two 16'x4' framed beds.  Those framed beds will need new soil  (I will have used up most all my existing soil in the 1st framed bed).

When the beds are built and filled, I can construct the enclosed structure around them (he said with unsupported confidence, LOL!).  That part should be a lot easier...

And I figure I have about 2 weeks to do that before planting season gets too late.  Wish me luck!

Dad's Birthday

Dad is 92 today.  He doesn't know it (he thinks he is over a 100 now).  I'm pretty sure he doesn't know who *I* am most times.  I sent him a hand made card.  And a letter.  About all I can do these days.

He moved in with me 2 years ago.  I was able to take care of him for a year.  It was good in some ways, not so good in others, but I did what I could.  It was the first time I took care of another person in that way.

I got used to making traditional meals (separate meats and standard vegetables every day precisely at 6 pm and sandwiches at Noon).  Going to bed at traditional times.  Watching traditional TV.  We watched more of his favorite old 1960's TV shows than I knew were available.  And he complained about THOSE!

It was horrible...  But it was only a year.  Still, it was a loooooong year.  I'm glad I did it.  Its the kind of thing you only have to do once (and should) and once is enough.  I wouldn't want to do it again though.  I hope you understand.

Dad was not too bad at first, but fell apart fast.  The first month, he could walk around the yard looking at the flowers and the garden.  The last month, he saw "things" in the yard and people wandering around in it and he wasn't sure where he was.  I know that, sometimes, he wasn't sure who *I* was. 

Today he is being cared for by professionals who guide him to his meals, get him in front of a TV, change his 'depends' and probably do more things for him than I want to know about. 

Happy Birthday Dad, where ever you think you are and whatever you can remember...  I hope you think that Mom is in the next room and you will be talking to her soon.  I can only hope you have some good memory of the day...

Garden Renovation

I'm having some doubts about my plan to rebuild the garden with new beds and enclosing the space in chicken wire!  Everything I think I need to do first has something else to do before that.  You may recall that I took apart the frames from two 4'x4' beds a few days ago. 

Well, when I went out today to start to dig out an old tree and some brambles in one of them, I realized that I had to remove the carpet in the paths between them (and between ALL the framed beds first.  Digging out a old tree (mostly just roots with persistent suckers I have been trying to kill for 10 years) takes more room than just the 4x4 frame removed.

Why did I have carpeting between the framed beds?  Well, as the guy who jumped into the cactus patch said "It seemed like a good idea at the time".  But seriously, it DID seem like a good idea 20 years ago.  I had just switched from carpet to wood floors, I had all this leftover carpet, I was building framed beds with muddy weedy paths, and smothering the weeds with the leftover carpet seemed like a good idea.  I even put black plastic sheeting under the carpet so weeds couldn't grow through the carpet.

Weeds are astonishingly determined...

The carpet is nearly impossible to pull up.  It is in 3' wide paths, and 2 decades of vines have sent roots into the plastic below and the carpet above.  Not above the carpet (even weeds and vines have limits).  But the roots interlock, and they do best at the edges.  Yanking the carpet up was like pulling old plywood siding off walls by hand.  It was inch by inch prying it up with several tools.

And it was HEAVY!  I finally had to cut through it every 4' and the cutting did not go easily.  You would think that 20 year old carpet would just fall apart.  No way!  I have an old carpet knife my Dad made back in the early 50s (seriously, he worked in a machine shop at the time and made stuff like that "for fun") and I keep it sharp (it is VERY useful for many things).  Its curved like a 5" scimitar. 

Even using THAT every 4' of carpet took hard work.  And the pieces of carpet seem to weigh a ton!  There is inches of soil attached from plant roots, the carpet is wet and carpet is heavier than you may think.  Its all 40 lbs of dead weight.  I pick it up and it sags all over.  I finally learned to fold it in 3rds to carry it to a place to pile it up (where I will use the riding lawn mower and a tow cart to bring it to the hauling trailer so I can bring it too the landfill.

It took 3 hours to pull half of the carpet up.  It was 6pm, so I stopped to go inside and make dinner.  That's when the hand cramps started!  I live a life of general activity punctuated with intense activity (like today) and muscle cramps are not new to me.  But these were bad.

Everytime I clenched my hand (however lightly) around a knife handle and tried to open a bottle or jar, my left hand muscles seized up painfully until I massaged them  few minutes.  That lasted for about 5 minutes until the next cramp.  Then the right hand started...

I either have to do less physical work or more.  I think I'll try more.  And more regularly! 

But the point is that there is a LOT more to this project than I realized at first.  There are tree roots (from neighbor trees) under the carpet paths, there are evil vines.  And I still have to dig up the tree stump an suckers from that one 4x4 bed and dig out the brambles and roses I don't want in the garden.  This could take a couple of weeks, and I'm not 40 anymore.

I might have to adapt my plan to do half this Spring and the rest next Fall. 

Destructo-Man!

Well, before I can rebuild the beds in the garden, the existing ones have to come out.  I've been avoiding that.  I hate to take things apart.  But after 28 years, that's what I need to do with the old garden beds, the deck, etc. 

So I started on the easy parts.  Not the easiest to tear apart, but the ones I felt least invested with.  The tree and rose box went first.  I've glad I have a few serious crowbars.  The 2' one worked best.  It was heavy enough to swing through the vines and brambles to get them out of the way, but thin enough to wedge between the screwed 2"x4" boards. 

Could I have simply unscrewed the boards?  Maybe, but after over 20 years, there probably wasn't much screwhead to grab.  Wedging seemed easier.  They are just going to a landfill anyway.  So I got two 4'x4' boxes pulled apart just to see how hard it might be.

Easy-peasy...

I cut down the 6" wire trellis remesh a couple weeks ago to force myself to continue the project.  And the old 4"x4" posts that held up the trellis broke with just a little pushing.  Heck, one post was only standing because I pounded in a pipe next to it and put long screws through the pipe into the post.  I can see that the 2'x32' box under the removed trellis will be easy enough to tear apart too.  Well, yeah, if you need to force yourself to continue a project, tear out the useful parts first.  After that, you either have to rebuilt them or continue.

Next step is to see how hard it is to cut through tree roots above ground and remove them.  I can chop them with an axe near the fence line and then wedge them up.  I have to do that because above-ground tree roots would not allow me to build new level framed beds otherwise.  I sure wish I was 35 again!!!  Removing those tree roots is going to take a whole day at 63.

But when those roots are removed, I can take apart the remaining existing framed beds.  They will come apart easily; they are barely hanging together as it is.

Then I need to move all the existing soil.  I'm not looking forward to that.  I have to move it to SOMEWHERE outside of the new site because its good soil and I want to move it back to the new beds I'll build when the site is cleared and leveled.  The hard part is that I am basically going to be digging up all my garden soil, dumping it on a HUGE tarp, then digging it up again after the new beds are built. 

I'm serious about thinking it might be easier to just move and start fresh.  But then there would be all that packing in the house.  And yes, it would be cheaper to just buy fresh produce for the rest of my life.  But this is a HOBBY, and hobbies never save money, LOL!

Just watch, I'll do all this work and then decide to move ANYWAY...

Grafting Tomatoes

I'd been hesitating about trying this grafting of heirloom tomato tops onto hybrid roots.  The benefits seem genuine (vigorous and disease-resistant roots growing complexly-flavorful heirloom tomatoes).  But it seemed complicated.  Growing rootstock and heirloom tomatoes so the stem sizes matched, cutting both the stems so that the cuts matched, fastening a small soft silicon clip to hold the pieces together, creating an enclosed humidified recovery, etc.

I knew I wanted to try it, but I don't have "soft steady hands" and some of the humidifying arrangements I saw on the internet seemed elaborate, but I thought about it all for a while.

Well, it was certainly easy enough to plant enough hybrid and heirloom tomatoes for both grafting AND backups in case all the grafts failed.  I found the silicon clips at several sites and ordered some a month ago. I had stumbled across a 4-shelf plant stand with a zippered plastic enclosure for keeping plants warm outside and I realized that it was a fine humidifier device if I filled the lower 3 shelves with pans of water (later).

I had a razor Exacto knife) for cutting the stems.  I even had a 4" piece of wood cut at a 45 degree angle left over from the trailer work!  My goodness, I had everything I needed!

So with the trailer work complete and it being a rainy day, I collected everything on the basement workbench (and after some thought through the procedures, brought a few things upstairs to a table with good light).

It seemed to me the pattern was to transplant the hybrid rootstocks from little 6-packs to individual 3" pots to allow root growth, bring them all upstairs with the silicon clips and razor blade, fill the lower plant stand shelves with pans of water, and then make sure I had enough labels for all the new grafted heirloom tops.

That's when I realized I had made a serious mistake.  I hadn't examined the silicon clips carefully when the y arrived.  They are an "8" shape, but with one"o" larger than the other (like a snowman bottom and a snowman head).  I had assumed the larger "o" was for the tomato stems.  NOPE!  The clipping part was the small "o", and about as thin as pencil lead.  I should have done the grafting when the tomato seedlings were about 3" high, not 9"!

So I tried something creative and resourceful.  I used the larger "O" part!  I eyeballed the spot on the rootstocks where the stem size matched the "O" and cut a 45 degree angle above that.

Then fit the silicon clip ofer the cut stem and slid it down to where it was snug.  Made a new cut just above that.  Then I eyeballed the heirloom tops ("scions") and cut below that to be careful.

Testing the fit, I cut the scion stem narrower until it "just" fit into the "O" and matched the angles snugly.

I hope that all makes sense.  I used the silicon clips to measure the matching stem diameter and set them together at the matching angled cuts.

To make sure I didn't confuse the heirloom tops, I only brought one variety upstairs at a time , and made sure I had enough (and only enough) variety labels for each.  Because when you cut off the tops of the rootstock tomatoes and the tops of the heirloom tomatoes, they sure look a lot the same!

The other surprise was how FAST the grafted heirloom tops just wilted!

I did not realize how FAST plants transpire.  In just 15 minutes, the first grafted tops had wilted right over like cooked lettuce!  The enclosed humidity and darkness of the recovery chamber is supposed to help with that.  I I think I will also spray the tops several times per day.  The tomato grafting sites say the grafts need about a week of darkness along with the humidity, so after I zippered the plastic cover, I tossed a sheet over the whole stand.

Wish me luck!

And the first concern is resolved.  The enclosed stand with the pans of water on the other shelves caused the plastic cover to fog up within just 2 hours.  So the humidity is high.  And below the stand is a thick towel on a sheet of plastic so the drip won't damage the wood floor.  I may not think of everything in a new project, but I sure try!

I'll have some idea about the success in a few days.  If the grafted tops  are more erect in a few days, it means they are receiving moisture from the roots and the graft is healing.  If I recall enough from high school botany, the zylem and floem (one sends nutrients up and the other down) will be working and the connection between rootstock and scion top will be solid.

And if they fail?  Well, I have enough heirloom seedling and 2 Big Beef hybrids for the standard plantings of past years.  I'm no worse off.

But my big surprise is that it seems a lot easier that I feared.   It just took trying it to do it.

Trailer Pictures!

Sometimes, it is just best to show the methods and final results...

Obsessive featherboards...

Dado blades...

The tablesaw

Output, LOL!

Sides...

Capped tops and back panel...

Sad part.  I just couldn't get the back corners to match.  After a bad measurement, that was what I have to live with.

But the whole thing is going to be functional for the next 20 years, so...  OK.

Trailer!

Pictures, as promised...

Like in any project, I could do it a bit better a second time, but, "twill serve, twill serve".

Trailer Completus

FINALLY!

Sometimes things that seem so simple are surprisingly complicated.  I sure learned (re-learned?) that this past 2 weeks. 

It seemed simple.  Put plywood sides on a metal framed hauling trailer.  Put tops on the exposed plywood top edges.  Big deal.  Um, not quite.

Yuo remember the Six Million Doolar Man where "they" could make him betteer faster and all that?  Right...  It doesn't go that easy even with simpler things.  All I wanted to do was put sides on the trailer and top the plywood edges on the top so they wouldn't rot so quickly.  And the idea is to make the trailer so that sand won't fall out as I drive home from the landscape supply place.  Not that I buy a lot of sand, but if sand won't fall out, mulch won't and I do buy a lot of mulch.

The sides were easy.  Sort of.  I bought two 4'x8' panels of T1-11 exterior plywood siding.  The stuff is great.  Stable, solid, straight.  I had the lumber store cut the sheets in 20" lengths (there are more details but I won't bore you with those).  And I bought 2"x'4"x8' boards.  Home I went...

The first problem I re-discovered (I probably learned this when I originally did the sides 20 years ago, but forgot) was that the metal frame around the trailer was NOT square in ANY direction.  That means I had to craft the pieces into place.  I made a few errors.  I corrected the errors "pretty" well by hand sawing some cuts to the sides to accommodate the metal welding bumps, but I did a couple of sawings that I shouldn't have done.  At least they were small errors.

After I got the sides to fit, I got at the 2x4 tops.  That was trickier than I thought.  I knew I could cut dadoes (stacked saw blades that make a thick cut -5/8" [20/32"] in this case) on my table saw to fit the 19/32" plywood.  It would have worked great except that the plywood was a bit curvy along the entire length.  Not much to see by eye, but the dado cuts sure could tell.

It took two more days to get the dado cuts to fit over the plywood edge tops.  And THEN I had to adjust all the lengths to fit exactly.  Did I mention I wanted all the corners to join with miter cuts?

And the back panel has to be removable.  There are 2 rectangular welded shapes that are supposed to pit a 2x4 set into them.  They don't, of course.  The inside edges are curved.  So I had to shape 2x4 pieces to fit inside lossely enough to go in and out easily but also fit tightly enough to remove easily. 

That took an hour.  And then I had to attach those pieces to the back sheet squarely enough so they both matched the rectangle metal fittings AND were firmly attached to the back.  That was easy enough except I had to go back into the basement several times for more tools.

If I did this more often than every 20 years, it would be a lot easier.  I almost wish a neighbor would come over now and ask me if I had any experience at doing this.  I sure do now! 

Tomorrow, pictures!

Ah First Things First...

Well, to get the supplies I need for the enclosed garden, I need the hauling trailer renovated.  The old 20 yer-old wood sides rotted out.  I got new T1-11 sides cut to height and length.

I worked on the front and back yesterday. The sides of the trailer aren't exactly square, so I measured the top and bottom of the front side and put a square against the sides to estimate the unsquareness.  Then realized it doesn't matter because there is an inch of metal frame in each corner.

Still, I want to make good joints for personal reasons, and I did.  Even with slight angles, no edge came out more than 1/16' of matching the corners. So they matched that tolerance.  The back hs a strange brace that matched a 2"x4" board IF you sand it down at the corners, and I have the pieces cut to length for that but not yet crafted carefully to size.

But it DOES mean that the trailer will be ready to haul 23 10' pipes  in a couple days and 12 rolls of chicken wire shortly after that.

I looked at rental equipment for making the holes the upright pipes will sit in.  An auger costs $100 for 4 hours; a trencher something like $281 for 4 hours.  Looks like crowbar and post-hole-digging work for my.  Well, I only need 9 holes!  I can manage that.  It would take that long just to drive to the store, rent the machine, drive back, unload it, set it up, use it, etc, and do the reverse.

I'll still hate pounding through rocky gravel...

Garden Layout

Megan asked why the garden beds "should be true square feet".  A good question.

There is a home gardening system by Mel Bartholomew based on planting home crops by square feet.   Generally, I have used it.  It works by rotating crops through square feet, never letting any space be unused.  It works, but you have to keep at it.  A square foot of radishes, a square foot of carrots, etc.  You learn the best spacing for crops.  16 radishes per square foot, 9 carrots, etc.  It does make easy planting.  As I understand it, it is an adaptation of French Intensive Row Planting.

I try to keep at it, but it takes planning.  Still, I want my framed beds to be in true square feet of interior size.  The interior size is the problem.  The boards you use to make the framed bed take up some space.  So you have to use boards that are longer by their thickness.

It isn't TOO complicated.  To make a 4'x4' soil framed bed, you need boards that are 4' 1.5 inches on all sides because the boards are 1.5" thick.  If you just use exactly 4' boards, some of the last squares are 12"'x9" (12" -[1.5"x2]).

So in my framed bed plans, I have to make the the framed boards a few inches larger than the square feet.  An 8'x4' bed actually has to have boards 8' 3" and 4' 3".  It makes the details a bit insane!

Fortunately, there are some shortcuts.  If there are 4 beds (8 boards total), then that takes 12" of space (8*1.5").  If I didn't take that in to account, then the paths between the beds would be too small for my 24" wide wheelbarrow,

Properly arranged, my beds allow my wheelbarrow.  An inch wrong, it doesn't.  So, my constructed beds must have outside dimensions larger than the true square feet inside but allow the wheelbarrow just barely. 


I hope that all makes sense.

And Megan, you sent me your email once but I lost it,  Would you send it again?  cavebear2118 AT verizon DOT net...

Trailer Re-Siding

Before I can get the pipes, bulk chicken wire, and then additional compost/soil for the garden enclosure, I have to have the trailer renovated.  I started on that back in last Summer with pressure-treated plywood to cover the sides and base, but the plywood layers separated and warped on the sides, was too high, and too thin for good stability.  All around, a seemingly good choice of material that didn't work. 

Well, "almost" didn't work.  It did fine screwed down onto the boards that make up the bottom of the trailer.  I covered those with plywood because the original individual boards have gaps between them that let sand/dirt/compost fall through unless I covered them with a plastic tarp.  And when you shovel the contents out, you tear up the tarp.  At $10 per tarp, I got tired of that fast (and repairing tears with duct tape isn't free either).

So last week, I decided to go back to what DID work; T1-11 Exterior Plywood Siding.  The previous sides lasted 15 years before starting to rot, and the stuff is very stable and strong.  I should have just stayed with that last Summer.  I guess I figured pressure treated plywood would last even longer.

So last week, I started planning for T1-11 plywood.  I went to Home Depot and they didn't have any of the T1-11 in the thickness I wanted (it comes in basically 3/8" and 5/8" thick) and I wanted the thicker for strength.  Three days later, they also did not have it.  Today I went and I was annoyed enough to find a helpful employee to ask.  He said, that if the plywood wasn't on the shelves, they probably didn't have it in stock. 

I suggested that maybe there was some "in the back" or newly delivered.  But as I said that, I looked WAY UP at the top of the stacks, a good 20 feet up an saw a carboard-covered box that suggested it was the stuff I wanted.  19/32nds thick (seriously, who would make anything 19/32nds?  It must actually be metric).  Then a look from the side showed the other dimensions I wanted.

I won't say the senior lumber guy wasn't exactly upset to have to get that stuff down from the top, but he didn't thank me for the opportunity either.  Well, he got to use a BIG DAMN FORKLIFT and most guys would enjoy that.  Other employees gathered around to watch (they don't get to use that cool stuff).   I don't want to spoil any "guyness" here, but I'm not impressed.  He had only 3 controls:  A steering wheel, the fork up and down, and a slight forward adjustment to the fork.  My mouse is that complicated.  And he screwed it up the first 2 tries!  And he was the senior person...

OK, eventually, he got the pallet of the plywood I wanted down to the sales-level bin.  I told him I wanted 2 sheets and I wanted them cut.  I should explain the cutting.

I wanted the sides of the trailer 18" high.  But that's tricky with T1-11 because it has a tongue and groove edges  (like half-laps depending on your familiarity with terms). 

I had the lumber guy use the coolest saw I ever saw...  Its a circular saw on a pipe grid that works both vertically AND horizontally, with rollers at the bottom so the large plywood panels slide smoothly. 

I ended up with four 8'x18" pieces  and 2 scraps I will find a use for later.  I was initially worried about securing the pieces on the trailer, but then I realized the could fit corner to opposite corner.

Back home, I set the 2 long sides of the 8' plywood strips along the 8" side of the metal frame and drilled holes through the wood to attach them with 1/4" bolt and fender washers on the inside, and lock washers and wing nuts (for easy re-tightening) on the outside.  That took care of the sides.

The front and removable back will take some more exact cuts.  It will be important that the front and back make good contact with the sides so I can't lose material at the corners.  Fotunately, when I put the old back in place, it fit perfectly, so I know what size to cut the new T1-11.  The front part will require so detailed fitting.  Well, the last part always needs details work.

And the forecast is for 2 days of heavy rain, so I brought all the side pieces into the garage.  I'm guessing Tuesday is when I can bring the pieces out to the trailer for correct fitting.

Then I can use the trailer to get the pipes and chicken wire for the enclosed garden.  I always say
something else has to be done first" on any project, and this is proof.  LOL!

Garden Enclosure 2

I love gardening.  I love geometry.  The two intersect when laying out framed beds in restricted space.  Having decided that a 20'x20' enclosed space ought to be a reasonable size to built, I have been sketching out various sizes and arrangements of framed beds to but in that area.

The results have been both maddening and enjoyable.  Maddening because there are possibly endless arrangements, and enjoyable because I love the challenge.  In the process, I have developed some rules:

Primary Considerations:

1.  20'x20' total enclosed size
2.  Paths between beds cannot be narrower than 2' (wheelbarrow access)
3.  No part of a bed can be more than 2' from an edge (for easy digging and reaching access)
        A.  That means no bed can be wider than 4'
        B.  A 4' bed needs a path on both sides
4.  Maximize growing square footage
5.  Minimize pathway square footage
6.  There has to be a support pole dead center in the 20'x20' enclosure and it can't be in a path (the 10' pipes need a center support)
7.  Growing area in beds must be true square feet*

Secondary Considerations:

1.  I won't walk on the framed bed soil, so beds must allow easy movement among them (no labyrinthine paths)
2.  Boards cost money, so the fewer needed, the better.
3.  Beds against the enclosure chicken wire allow some access to varmints

Observations:

1.  Material costs count only once.  Square feet of growing area is forever. 


* Meaning the inside dimensions of the beds are whole feet, not the outside dimensions.  That threw me for days when I calculated the square feet of the beds and the square feet of the paths and it wouldn't add up to 400 square feet (20'x20').  Boards have thickness, and it adds up!  Nominal 2" boards are actually 1.5" thick, so 8 boards across 4 beds takes exactly 1 foot off the available space!

Anyone who wants to suggest some layouts is more than welcome to send some.  My email address is right under the header.

Enclosed Garden

After several years of increased varmint invasion, I have decided decided to take the bull by the horns (or more properly the squirrel by the tail) and exclude the little beastards entirely.  I'm going to totally enclose my garden in 1" chicken wire.

My original (and technically "current") garden has a 32'x2' framed trellis, plus four 8'x3' beds and two 4'x4' beds.  But over the years tree shading and invasive vine growth has reduced that to 12 feet of trellis, two 8x3s and two 4x4s.  And they are over 20 years old, so the wood frames are rotting badly.  With the need to rebuild the beds anyway, the varmint problems invited a serious solution.

First, let me assure you that I realize home gardening does not save money on food.  It is a hobby (of great personal satisfaction) and no hobby saves money.  Hobbyist fishermen don't get fish cheaper than can be gotten at the grocery stores, and the same is true for hunting.  So if my plan seems to cost more money than its worth, don't be surprised.

Second, last year the squirrels (and possibly a groundhog and a rabbit or two) ate or pulled up almost all of my seedlings early and ate most of my ripening tomatoes and melons later.  That was the last straw; I could either give up of double-down.  I'm doubling down!

I started looking for structure ideas last Fall and found one site where a person had constructed an enclosed structure about 8'x10' using EMT pipes (thin metal pipe used to hold electrical wire underground) and chicken wire suspended over picture frame wire.  I sketched out a few designs on that idea and realized it needed to be stronger for the 20'x20' size I wanted.

One thing I discovered was that PVC pipe fitting fit over EMT pipe quite tightly.  So I figured out the kinds of connections I needed to build a 20'x20' grid of 1"x10' EMT pipes.  There aren't metal connectors in complicated shapes like there are for PVC pipes, so that was great.

I ordered the PVC connections last week and they arrived a few days ago.  But I wasn't committed to the structure until I started to take apart the existing framed beds.  I started on that today.  My 2'x32' trellis bed had 6" concrete remesh wire as the vertical support.  That's the heavy wire grid they put into concrete driveways for strength.  I use it for super-strong tomato cages and trellis material. 

The act of commitment was to cut the trellis remesh wire off the posts supporting it.  I have a tool called a "Sawz-All" that is basically an electric kitchen knife on steroids.  It can cut wood or metal.

I unrolled 125' of heavy-duty extension cord out to the garden, plugged in the Sawzall and started cutting the concrete remesh from the trellis posts.  It went easier than I thought.  But there is ALWAYS some suprise to any part of a project.  Well, the first half of the remesh grid came off fine and I propped it against the fence (it will be used later). 

The second half was not so easy.  Years of evil vines (some 3/4" thick) had the wire remesh locked down.  It took a good 30 minutes to cut the vines loose.  No matter how many I cut there were more from unexpected directions, so it took multiple tries to get it all loose.  I finally got that half propped against the fence, but there is probably another hour of pruning to get all those interwoven vines cut out of the remesh.

So part is done.  A small part.  But a start is good and I have to continue now or there won't be any trellis to grow cucumbers, pole beans, etc on this year.  The first part of destruction requires the remainder.

The next step is to pull up all the scrap carpet I've used to suppress weeds in the paths between the framed beds.  I already know that there are many weeds growing through it, so pulling it up won't be easy.  Then I have to take apart the framed beds themselves.  That old lumber is all trash, but it will leave the good garden soil without support. 

With Spring coming late, I don't have as much time as I expected to have to complete this project.  Of course!  Any normal year, I could have started this project in early March.  THIS YEAR, we have more snow forecast for Wdnesday! 

Basically, I have to set nine 10' EMT pipes in the ground 2' deep in a 3x3 grid and then connect them all at the top.  I can dig individual holes but my test dig in the rocky clay soil was not promising to be easy.  I could rent a power auger to drill holes.  Or I can rent a power trencher to make a trench along the entire outside of the structure and then backfill the soil around the EMT pipes.

I may go with the trencher because I have some other uses for one.  There are tree roots coming from neighbors' trees and I need to get them out because they are are making the ground unlevel and the new framed beds need to be on flat soil.  But maybe I can cut them with an ax and pry them out with a steel bar easier.  I'll have to give the latter a try first.

The last part of the project is to use the interior structure space as efficiently as possible.  I have done some sketches and realized that my original layout of framed beds was very inefficient.  Well, that didn't matter when I had the whole backyard.  Now it matters.  The most efficient 20'x20' section of the existing beds had 126 square feet of garden.  The best 20'x20' section I have layed out so far has 224 sq ft with 2' wide paths.

A new post when I do more...

I'll be taking lots of pictures as I go on this.  I can tell from doing internet searches that a lot of people want to do this but don't know how and will find my project.  I don't have anything to show yet, but should soon. 

New Cosmos TV Show

If you are like me, you worry when you read that some Hollywood type is going to make a movie of your favorite book, or old comic mag, or a remake of an older favorite movie.   I went through the 60s to 80s with bad results from Hollywood.  The first Dune movie was horrid, and I still have horrible thoughts about 'Howard The Duck'.  When the first Marvel Comics movies were announced, I prepared to cringe.  But they came off well, as did The Lord Of The Ring  and I sure never expected they could do THAT right.

Somewhere along the years, Hollywood realized that a good book (or even comic book) could make a good movie "as is".  Even the slight changes in the movies were well done.

So I've come to expect decent adaptations from Hollywood.  But I was still worried when I read that someone was remaking 'Cosmos', the outstanding "Life, The Universe, and Everything" of my younger years.  I was relieved to read that Niel DeGrasse Tyson would be the host.  A decade ago, I thought that he could do that, but doubted it would ever be done.

Some themes can be redone wonderfully.  "West Side Story' was a wonderful adaptation of 'Romeo and Juliet'.  "The Wiz' was a great redo of The Wizard of Oz'.  And I'm sure Movie majors in college would name many "redos" of Shakespeare.  But good "redos" were few and far between.

'Cosmos" appears to be a great "redo", and Mr. Tyson after the first 2 episodes.  Tyson has the best relaxed and yet enthusiastic approach to science since Sagan, he doesn't drown you in professional terminology, and he just makes things sound exciting.

No "redo" would be good if the "redo" was just a copycat of the original.  There are differences between Sagan and Tyson.  Sagan came across as someone talking just to YOU across a pleasant small restaurant table.  Tyson is talking to a small group of amateur science enthusiasts.  The difference is real, but maybe not very important.

I have watched the first 2 episodes of the new 'Cosmos".  I gave been re-watching the original on other evenings.  I can't wait for the series to be completed so that I can add the DVDs to my library.

Dad Update

I've been asked how my Dad is doing.  He is not real happy, but there isn't much I can do about it.  He lost the ability to take care of himself about 2 years ago when he turned 90.  Some of you may remember that I had to fly down from MD to FL to retrieve him from a rehab hospital where he had been held for a month due to doctor-judged incapacity.

I and my brother got him up to my house where I took care of him for a year as he gradually became less able to manage daily affairs even with my help.  Last April, my sister found a good assisted-living facility near her where she and my brother and assorted nieces could visit him regularly.

We got him to sell the FL house Fall of 2012 and 2 condo investments he had in NH this past January.  They were decent investments, but he kept saying he should move to one of them, so we had to get them out of his thoughts.  He doesn't recall either of those places anymore, so that is something less for him to worry about.

Dad gets regular visits from local family.  I hate to drive, so I mostly write letters every few weeks telling him things I am doing.  He likes to read about "accomplishments", as he was a very dedicated D-I-Y type himself (more than I will ever be).

I get the impression that he his generally happy except after family visits.  I know that sounds a bit of a contradiction from above, but it's timing.  Left alone, he is generally OK, mostly complaining he doesn't get to watch all the Fox News political talk and Golf he wants.  Well, that's because there are more ladies there and they like to watch Soaps and Shopping Channel shows and they outnumber him.

We tried a TV in his room, but he can't manage the channels and mostly forgot it was even there.  So he sits quietly and watches whatever is on.  There are scheduled activities, but Dad was always bored by arts and crafts and socializing, so he retreats to his room.

I feel sad about it all.  He wishes his body would just give up and stop.  He's in better physical health than mental health.  Physically, he could live to a 100.  He can sometimes express a fear that he will start living physically without any self-awareness.  I understand that.  He can't do anything about it (personal decision).  By which I mean that *I* hope I can just crawl out on the deck some cold Winter's night and end it all when I think the time has come for ME.  But he doesnt think that way.

He isn't religious in the organized sense, but he does have a residual idea that deliberately ending his own life is somehow "wrong".  I don't agree, but I have been very careful not to say anything about that.  I don't want to influence him in any way.  He is confused enough about his life as it is.  I am not wise enough to give him advice about his last years, and he wouldn't pay any attention to my advice if I gave it to him (I'm just a "child" after all, so what could *I* know).

So I write letters to him that I suspect are barely read and little understood.  I avoid anything complex and (back to the top) about DIY things he might still understand in general and that might give him the reminder that I am DOING THINGS, hoping he likes that.

*sigh*

Deer Ate A Shrub

Well, OK, that's not all that uncommon.  But it has been for me. 

The very first landscaping I did when I moved in here 27 years ago (new house so no initial landscaping) was plant a few shrubs on the east side of the house.  It was a Korean Dogwood tree with 2 Euonymus shrubs, several Nandina (false bamboo) plants, and some spreading evergreen.

Well, nothing bothered the shrubs in all that time.  Until last week!  But as I walked around that side of the yard (a least-visited side), "something" just looked odd.  It took a few minutes, but I realized all the bottom halves of the Euonymus shrubs looked "wrong".  It hit me suddenly that all the leaves on the bottom half of the 8' high Euonymus shrubs were GONE!  

Well, sometimes it takes a few minutes for the brain to "see" the difference between what it is looking at and what the memory says was there before.  So many possibilities came to mind.  Insect damage?  Not in Winter.  Fungal disease?  Ditto about Winter.  Natural leaf fall?  No, it's an evergreen. 

DEER! 

When I moved into to this newly-built neighborhood, there were deer around.  There was a swamp across the street and deer love wetland edges.  I almost got trampled by 2 panicked deer while I was mowing the lawn my first Fall.  I used to see deerprints in the lawn at first.  That all stopped after a few years as the street filled with new houses.

Last year, I had some hostas eaten for the first time in 15 years.  This Winter, shrubs for the very first time.

And they even left me a "gift"...

THEY'RE BAAAACCCKK...

Snowblowwer Snow That Wouldn't Melt

Well, I intend to write mostly about something else tonight, but I just stumbled across something on the Public Broadcasting System at dinner I really liked.  A show called "Classic Rewind" plays famous classical music set to film (like Disney's Fantasia" was classical music set to animation).  And apparently, it is a regular show but also available as an 8 DVD set of 135 pieces of music.  I plan to get it.  So I just wanted to mention that first.

OK, onward...  Before it gets too late, I wanted to mention a seeming violation of the laws of physics.  Seriously, ice melts in your drink too fast, right?  Well, I had the opposite problem.  I couldn't get snow to melt!

I happened after I FINALLY got to use my 3 year old snowblower for the first time March 5th (See?  This is already 10 days old).  But the point is that I used it, it worked pretty well, and I was done clearing the driveway and sidewalk.  But there was a slight problem.  Toward the end as the snowblower warmed up I suppose) the input area got packed with snow (so it was heavier than the snow on the ground) and the output chute got clogged with slush.  I had cleared it once, but when I was done, I didn't think about it much except to recognize that the snow in the snowblower would melt in the garage, so I placed an old towel under it to wick away the melting packed snow and let it evaporate.  Good plan.

Except the snow packed in the snowblower refused to melt!  The garage was at 40F degrees, so it should have melted.  Three days later, no apparent melt!  It was FIVE DAYS above freezing in the garage before the snow finally started to melt.  It was only 2 days ago that it finally all melted.

I wish I had taken pictures, but I had no reason to think it would be interesting at first, and after a few days I was just fixated on my annoyance that the snow in the blower wouldn't melt!

You can imagine it though.  Sort of like the "snowman who wouyldn't die"!