Comedy Time

I love telephone spammers, I really do.  They are endless sources of amusement. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't love them for what they do.  I would rather they all went to a Dante-ish low circle of hell.  But they don't threaten ME, so I sometimes torture them a bit to make sure they get some punishment here on Earth.

I have mey telephone set to Robonomo (check it out, its great, most commercial calls go away after one ring).  But some get through.  So today I got a call about my credit card.  The scammer had the last 4 digits of my card (the public part) and nothing else, so I knew it was scam.

I am reconstructing the conversation as accurately as I can, but I need to mention that I had been up about 42+ hours (noon to midnight to midnight to almost noon, so I WAS in rare form and at my finest.  Actually the rarest of events when "staircase wit" is in real time...  It sure doesn't happen often in life, but today was the day!

Spammer is in red, I'm green.

Ring ring

Hello.

Silence

Start talking!!!

Hello, I'm from Chase.

I knew it was a spam right there, so off we went.  What are you chasing?

Not chasing, sir.  I am calling about a problem with a Chase credit card.

I have a Chase credit card?

Yes, sir, ending in xxxx.

What is the problem?  Did I lose it?  

No, there has been a questionable transaction and we need some information.  

Now at this point, I usually just hang up of course, but I was annoyable, revved up from being on the computer playing Scrabble, and feeling a bit mean.  So...

Do tell!

Yes sir, and we need you to confirm your credit card number.

What do you want me to confirm?  

Your credit card number.

You have provided no information to "confirm"  (air quote inflection)  .  "Conformation" means you give me information to agree with.

I have used that line before.

Um, I mean I need you to reply with the other digits of your credit card so that we know who we are speaking to.

Well, why don't you give me the middle digits so I know who *I* am speaking to?

Oh we can't do that, it might compromise the card number security!

Well, if you are from Chase, then you have my email address and gif security picture?

Yes, sir.

So you know it is a golf club?

(it isn't)

Yes Sir!


Well, why don't you just tell me some other digits of my card number?  After all, if I know the golf club image is my security gif, then I must be the person you think you hope you might have reached, right?

Um...

You actually sound like an intelligent person.  Why don't you have a real job?    But anyway, if you wanted to scam me better, why didn't you call about Mom's respirator payment being late.

Well, that's part of the transaction I am calling about...

(Mom died 4 years ago)

I need more talented scammers.  Please call back when you find one!

I'm not perfect.  After that I just laughed at the guy, telling him he was SO incompetent that he should throw himself on a funeral pyre of his own construction before his boss did it for him.

OK, I ran out of clever thoughts by then and just hung up... But I was pretty pleased with myself by that point. Everyone deserves that one perfect time when they say everything right...  And today was mine!

I bet I couldn't do that on a full night's sleep...