Today, Dad is fighting the move. The bedroom will be too small, he won't like the food, he will be a minority, the staff won't be friendly, etc. I will have him talk tomorrow to my sister who chose the place.
But it won't relieve his fears entirely. He fears the change, and I understand that. He is happy here. Too happy. I attend to his every needs. What he doesn't really understand is that his needs are growing greater each month.
He doesn't realize that he is reducing his routine every week, He used to watch any of 5 channels, now he he wants only 2. His food preferences are diminishing. He is struggling to get to the bathroom "on time". He talks bizarrely, but he doesn't realize it.
Last night, he said that being in an ALF (assisted living facility) in a town 10 miles away from other family was good because he "could bicycle or walk to visit them". It doesn't get much crazier than that. He couldn't "bicycle" away from a starving crippled alligator.
And he thinks the move is "too complicated". OK, it isn't. My brother and sister will drive down here and my brother will transport the bedroom furniture in his truck and sister will transport Dad. He can't understand how simple that is to us.
He thinks none of us understand his investments. I have been filing his investment papers for a year and arranged for his income taxes twice now. I know them by heart better than he does. He insists I can't possibly know "that stuff". Well, of course I do. 10 years ago, he did too. But not now.
This is going to be harder than I thought.
I am reluctant to have him visit the place. Yes, he might think it wonderful. But he is more likely to find trivial faults.
So, drive him 2 hours up to visit the place and 2 hours back, or not? Pros and cons...
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
The Decision
Well, the decision has been made. An assisted living facility (ALF) has been chosen, I have forms to fill out, Dr appointments to make, etc. The family has found a good place near most of them (out of my area). Entry is available May 1st.
I am sad about all of this, of course, but relieved as well. Dad needs more attention and care than I can continue to give without slipping into martyrdom.
There are so many things to plan.
That doesn't mean that the several conversations with Dad were easy; they wern't. But it does mean that HE accepts that he is going to need more physical assistance soon than I can provide. I discussed that the precise costs depended on the level of care he needed and he asked what those were. Oh thanks for smooth tranisitions and killer arguments... When I said that the monthly care costs depended on whether someone could dress, bathe and use the bathroom themselves vs someone who couldn't, he blurted out "but pretty soon I'LL need that help"!
And then he realized he was needing assisted living care soon. I discussed waiting lists and the benefits of being where there was proffessional assistance just BEFORE he needed it. He accepted that he needed to go to an ALF.
There are many more family members where he will be moving to than there are here (just me here and 6 where he is going).
He hasn't given up the struggle. He raises trivial arguments. It will be so complicated to move (no), he has so many billing addresses to change (no). He needs to approve the bedroom (well, no, but only because its better than the one here).
He says he trusts my sister's judgement on the place (except he doesn't really). He is afraid of something that I haven't gotten him to talk about yet. We will discuss this again in the early afternoon when he is most alert.
My main purpose is to keep his focus on the positive aspects of moving to a good ALF. The longer it goes with him accepting that he will be moving, the better it will be.
There will be some more awkward conversations the next few days, but every day without him saying "no" will be a good one.
I am sad about all of this, of course, but relieved as well. Dad needs more attention and care than I can continue to give without slipping into martyrdom.
There are so many things to plan.
That doesn't mean that the several conversations with Dad were easy; they wern't. But it does mean that HE accepts that he is going to need more physical assistance soon than I can provide. I discussed that the precise costs depended on the level of care he needed and he asked what those were. Oh thanks for smooth tranisitions and killer arguments... When I said that the monthly care costs depended on whether someone could dress, bathe and use the bathroom themselves vs someone who couldn't, he blurted out "but pretty soon I'LL need that help"!
And then he realized he was needing assisted living care soon. I discussed waiting lists and the benefits of being where there was proffessional assistance just BEFORE he needed it. He accepted that he needed to go to an ALF.
There are many more family members where he will be moving to than there are here (just me here and 6 where he is going).
He hasn't given up the struggle. He raises trivial arguments. It will be so complicated to move (no), he has so many billing addresses to change (no). He needs to approve the bedroom (well, no, but only because its better than the one here).
He says he trusts my sister's judgement on the place (except he doesn't really). He is afraid of something that I haven't gotten him to talk about yet. We will discuss this again in the early afternoon when he is most alert.
My main purpose is to keep his focus on the positive aspects of moving to a good ALF. The longer it goes with him accepting that he will be moving, the better it will be.
There will be some more awkward conversations the next few days, but every day without him saying "no" will be a good one.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
The Last Years
The past couple of months have seen a substantial decrease in Dad’s ability to comprehend the world in general. I am putting it that way to spare having to give all the details of previous posts. He just doesn’t understand much of anything these days. He has brief bursts of comprehension that make thinks awkward.
He asked me today why he was having so much trouble moving around and why it was so hard just to get dressed. He asked why he couldn’t understand documents and bills he gets in the mail. Dad always taught me that honesty was the most important thing in his life. I’m learned that well.
I told him that his muscles are getting weaker and that his mind was not as sharp as it was 50 years ago. Surely those are obvious things. He said “No, that’s not the problem; I must have a disease”.
How do I explain his “disease” is just old age? As in the plant analogy, I see Dad’s leaves falling everyday. There aren’t many left to fall. When I try to explain that he is “just plain old”, he denies it saying he is just fine.
I have started to visit assisted living facilities. The first one, Morningside House was GREAT, but I see after looking over the details that they will soon get him to over $10,000 per month from the initial $5300. The add-ons are outrageous. They will charge him $1379/month for managing his 3 simple pill medications, $25/month for getting his meds (which cost only $2.50), $70 for every transportation to a DR, and they make a fortune for incontinence. Its a wonderful place, but they will drain every dime from his pocket and discharge him when he is broke. And Dad would never accept the basic cost anyway. I had such high hopes for Morningside House until I (and my sister Susie) starting getting into the details.
I have an appointment with a simpler group house later today. Sister Susie says the professionals she has talked to (she is professionally related to that work) say those are often much better at half the price, and Dad might accept that cost.
I know a bit more after the Morningside House visit about what to look for. Activities are good. TV rooms are good. But daily physical care for dressing and hygiene, basic meals, and assumed pill-giving are probably more important.
Its hard just thinking about giving a parent over to assisted living care. Telling your elder that it is time is harder. Making the move is harder still. I’m still just on that first action.
He asked me today why he was having so much trouble moving around and why it was so hard just to get dressed. He asked why he couldn’t understand documents and bills he gets in the mail. Dad always taught me that honesty was the most important thing in his life. I’m learned that well.
I told him that his muscles are getting weaker and that his mind was not as sharp as it was 50 years ago. Surely those are obvious things. He said “No, that’s not the problem; I must have a disease”.
How do I explain his “disease” is just old age? As in the plant analogy, I see Dad’s leaves falling everyday. There aren’t many left to fall. When I try to explain that he is “just plain old”, he denies it saying he is just fine.
I have started to visit assisted living facilities. The first one, Morningside House was GREAT, but I see after looking over the details that they will soon get him to over $10,000 per month from the initial $5300. The add-ons are outrageous. They will charge him $1379/month for managing his 3 simple pill medications, $25/month for getting his meds (which cost only $2.50), $70 for every transportation to a DR, and they make a fortune for incontinence. Its a wonderful place, but they will drain every dime from his pocket and discharge him when he is broke. And Dad would never accept the basic cost anyway. I had such high hopes for Morningside House until I (and my sister Susie) starting getting into the details.
I have an appointment with a simpler group house later today. Sister Susie says the professionals she has talked to (she is professionally related to that work) say those are often much better at half the price, and Dad might accept that cost.
I know a bit more after the Morningside House visit about what to look for. Activities are good. TV rooms are good. But daily physical care for dressing and hygiene, basic meals, and assumed pill-giving are probably more important.
Its hard just thinking about giving a parent over to assisted living care. Telling your elder that it is time is harder. Making the move is harder still. I’m still just on that first action.
Monday, March 25, 2013
A Meaning
You may have guessed that yesterday’s post was an analogy. If you did (and I have never quite learned subtlety) good for you. Not everyone will... The seeds and young flowers and saplings are the children we raise. The Fall is the time we change from raising our children to beginning to care for our parents. The Winter is the eldercare time, where we must care for our parents (disclaimer, I had no children, but at 16 to18, I did a lot to raise a new sister).
Helping to raise my young sister was a joyful experience. I changed more diapers than most real Dad’s back in the 60’s, did more baby-sitting than most teenage girls, pulled out bee-stingers, bandaged more scraped knees, and played more 4-8 years games than any teenage guy I ever met. I didn’t mind it a bit, and I was a better guy for it. I saw that flower grow and thrive. She died in her “late Summer” of a genetic problem she was born with. We were always close.
But Summer changed to Fall over the years, and first it was Mom who’s health failed. It was rapid. But now I have Dad, at 90. He lingers like the old mature trees that keep managing to continue as they grow older, failing. I have a tulip poplar that I have loved for 26 years. It was mature when I moved here (like Dad). It is failing (like Dad). This Fall, it actually sent out a few new leaves out of season. It is dying (like Dad). It it trying hard to stay alive (like Dad). But it is failing and there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it (like Dad).
Helping to raise my young sister was a joyful experience. I changed more diapers than most real Dad’s back in the 60’s, did more baby-sitting than most teenage girls, pulled out bee-stingers, bandaged more scraped knees, and played more 4-8 years games than any teenage guy I ever met. I didn’t mind it a bit, and I was a better guy for it. I saw that flower grow and thrive. She died in her “late Summer” of a genetic problem she was born with. We were always close.
But Summer changed to Fall over the years, and first it was Mom who’s health failed. It was rapid. But now I have Dad, at 90. He lingers like the old mature trees that keep managing to continue as they grow older, failing. I have a tulip poplar that I have loved for 26 years. It was mature when I moved here (like Dad). It is failing (like Dad). This Fall, it actually sent out a few new leaves out of season. It is dying (like Dad). It it trying hard to stay alive (like Dad). But it is failing and there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it (like Dad).
Sunday, March 24, 2013
The Garden
The Seasons
In the Spring, flowers and saplings appear. Maybe they were your own seeds, maybe you got them elsewhere; it doesn’t matter. When they are yours, you give them food and love and care. It is joyful seeing them grow. Every day, they seem more promising. You can imagine how much sturdier they will be next month. You can imagine how they will adapt to nature and thrive. As you watch the first leaves opening, you can imagine the glorious beauty they will display one day. And they do thrive. Each month you see the changes and the changes are wonderful.
In the Summer, they burst forth with flowers. You may be a bit tired from all the work involved, but it is worth it. You are proud of what you have accomplished, and you are proud of them. They really did most of the growing themselves, but your work mattered too. You did your best to keep the weeds away, sometimes you supported them while they grew upright and healthy. You made sure they had everything they needed that you could give them. They are mature and beautiful! You still try to keep some weeds away, but they are mostly doing great without your help. Maybe there are a few fallen leaves, but they are in their prime and some new leaves grow.
You are changing from the nurturer of young plants to the protector of older ones. It takes some time to realize this, but you do your best to adapt to the change. As a gardener, you do what you must as best you can.
In the Fall, things are not going quite so well. The bloom is off the flowers, they droop a bit, and they need bit of unexpected help from time to time. But that OK, because they are still doing well overall. In the late Fall, things are not so good. They feel cold at nights, they aren’t flowering or growing new leaves, and the stalks and limbs are hardening. In fact, the leaves are starting to fall
In the Winter, the leaves start to fall and are not replaced. Flowerstalks become dry and bare. The old trees slow down their activity. The end of their season is coming, slowly at first, but relentlessly. The last leaves fall from the trees; the last flowers die and fall. No amount of care and assistance can stop that. Eventually, a day comes when all activity ceases. You face the sad truth that an end is coming in spite of all you do.
More tomorrow...
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Assisted Living Facilities
I researched local assisted living facilities and eliminated most of them as places Dad wouldn't like. Some were for active seniors, lots of visits to the shopping malls and bingo games. Others were holistic medications or foods Dad does not like.
I narrowed it down to 2. The one I visited today was a very professional place. The one I will visit tomorrow is a small group home. The place today seems perfect. A personal bedroom/bathroom and community TV rooms, dining rooms, activity rooms, etc. Seriously good onsite health care, transport to local Dr of choice, individual meals at common eating areas, groups living/TV rooms.
Own rooms ranging from 2 in a space to 2 full bedroom apartments. Friendly caring staff, medical assistants onsite 24/7, etc. They can easily move Dad from assisted living to the dementia living area when the time comes.I think this is the place.
I saw the staff checking on the residents in the commom TV room area about how they were doing and did they want any snacks, etc. The staff seemed pleased to be there. No hulking guys to force anyone around.
Personal attention to meal preferences and not just for medical reasons. If a resident prefers chicken and pork chops most meals, that's what they get. Preffered snacks too. Good medical staff, onsite barber, room-cleaning, laundry, etc included.
Plenty of friendly residents to sit and watch TV with...
Large enough so that there is generally a new place available each month, so no waiting list. and no fee for being on one.
They go by personal Dr intructions (resident's Drs, not staff Drs). individual for each resident.
I think it is perfect for Dad. I will bring Dad to visit there next week. They will even give him a free haircut and he will like THAT!
I still feel guilty just planning this. Like I'm planning to kick him out of the house. The Morningside House Manager said that was a normal feeling (and I do know that). But it still feels like kicking him out. I know, I know. I'm doing the best I can for him. He has reached the point where he needs more personal care than I can give, and that's the deciding point.
One nice thing is that the Morningside House is right next to the Safeway I shop at. That means that I can visit Dad each week and then do my food shopping. Sounds almost trivial, but having a reason to be RIGHT THERE each week sure makes it part of a routine to visit regularly. And I can bring him treats from the Safeway.
I doubt that the smaller group house is going to impress me tomorrow. But I will give them a fair visit. It might have some advantages. But I doubt it.
I narrowed it down to 2. The one I visited today was a very professional place. The one I will visit tomorrow is a small group home. The place today seems perfect. A personal bedroom/bathroom and community TV rooms, dining rooms, activity rooms, etc. Seriously good onsite health care, transport to local Dr of choice, individual meals at common eating areas, groups living/TV rooms.
Own rooms ranging from 2 in a space to 2 full bedroom apartments. Friendly caring staff, medical assistants onsite 24/7, etc. They can easily move Dad from assisted living to the dementia living area when the time comes.I think this is the place.
I saw the staff checking on the residents in the commom TV room area about how they were doing and did they want any snacks, etc. The staff seemed pleased to be there. No hulking guys to force anyone around.
Personal attention to meal preferences and not just for medical reasons. If a resident prefers chicken and pork chops most meals, that's what they get. Preffered snacks too. Good medical staff, onsite barber, room-cleaning, laundry, etc included.
Plenty of friendly residents to sit and watch TV with...
Large enough so that there is generally a new place available each month, so no waiting list. and no fee for being on one.
They go by personal Dr intructions (resident's Drs, not staff Drs). individual for each resident.
I think it is perfect for Dad. I will bring Dad to visit there next week. They will even give him a free haircut and he will like THAT!
I still feel guilty just planning this. Like I'm planning to kick him out of the house. The Morningside House Manager said that was a normal feeling (and I do know that). But it still feels like kicking him out. I know, I know. I'm doing the best I can for him. He has reached the point where he needs more personal care than I can give, and that's the deciding point.
One nice thing is that the Morningside House is right next to the Safeway I shop at. That means that I can visit Dad each week and then do my food shopping. Sounds almost trivial, but having a reason to be RIGHT THERE each week sure makes it part of a routine to visit regularly. And I can bring him treats from the Safeway.
I doubt that the smaller group house is going to impress me tomorrow. But I will give them a fair visit. It might have some advantages. But I doubt it.
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