Funniest Jokes

Since I will be pretty loopy and really unhappy after the tooth extraction at 2 pm today, I am leaving the 4 best jokes I ever heard, for your amusement.  I'll be back online Friday (I hope) or Saturday (If things are difficult) when the extraction heals and I don't have the painkiller pills messing up my mind...

Laughter is sometimes the best medicine...

1.  Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911s. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's actually dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


2.  Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tent for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

	Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
	Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
	Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
	Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
	Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

3.  Two guys are in the woods when they see a grizzly bear running towards them. The first guy runs away and the other follows.

Surprised, the other man says " What are you thinking, we can't outrun a bear!  The first guy says "I just have to outrun you." 

4.  A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...

"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises." 

Hope you liked them 

Happy Birthday To Me.

Today's my 64th birthday (sounds of the Beatles "When I'm 64" running around my head),  Tomorrow, I get a tooth pulled out,  and I mean yanked right out of my jaw like it was done 100 years ago.  Well, OK, painkillers are better today.

Um, "woo hoo and yippee"...

And I'm not even allowed to have any wine afterwards even with dinner for 2 days because the painkiller pill is serious stuff.  The dentist says I should have someone "with me", but I don't so I will just stay in bed with the cats, have some soup ready for reheating, and wait the healing out.

He says I can't even drink through a straw ("negative pressure").  I bet I can. But I may not test it.

I hate having been too stupid to have avoided easier solutions, but sometimes even intelligent people do stupid things.  Seriously, 8 years ago, I could have just had the damn crown reglued back on.  All I can say is that ignoring it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Don't ignore dental stuff!!!

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday you stupid idiot,
Happy Birthday to me.

Thinking Outside The Box

I'm a very law-abiding person (well, before and after my college days).  But I do think of myself as creative.  So I saw something today that really blew my mind.

I was in the car waiting for the left turn light to come on and a guy in the straight-through lane came to a complete stop in the intersection.  And stayed there.  This is something I have never seen before.

I pondered that while the various traffic lights cycled around to my turn and I carefully drove around the stopped car.

Then it hit me!  No, not the car, just a sudden realization.  The intersection has one of those "automated traffic-ticket cameras".  They work by taking a picture of your back license plate after you drive through the intersection after the red light comes on.

OMG, he stopped in the intersection so that the camera couldn't take a picture of his license plate.  When the light turns green again, the camera won't take a picture!!!

I'm not supporting drivers pushing red traffic lights; its dangerous to them and others.  The driver probably has other bad habits.  In fact, it's likely that he's a jerk.

But I just have to admire the thinking of anyone who figures out a way around some of the minor daily rules of life.

Deck

Well, I had a deck builder come by yesterday to discuss replacing the old deck.

When I moved here 27 years ago, one of the first major things I did was build a 2-level deck.  The main floor had sliding glass doors 10" above ground level and a pre-made fence section nailed across the outside so that no one could accidently open the doors and fall out.

But below that was a sunken patio with a cinder block wall around it.  So it seemed like a good idea to use the cinder block wall to support deck posts, and I sort of wanted to use the sliding glass doors for "something".  I bought a book on building decks, designed one, ordered the lumber for delivery, and recruited a friend and a friend-of-that-friend to help.  I'm a by-the-book builder.  I follow "the rules" (Dad was an engineer, and certain habits get passed along).  Like bracing posts using small boards to anchor the posts.  The friend had the carpentry skills of a hippo (zero) and his friend was a "just do it fast" type.  It was not a good combination.

But it worked out OK.  They did the initial cutting away of some vinyl siding (I couldn't watch that part)  and heavy lifting to get the ledger board attached to the house.  I did all the rest myself so I could do it "my way").  Even today, the deck guy pounded and jumped on the deck and said it was still "damn solid".  But even pressure-treated wood does not last forever, the deck was never build "to code" (I had no idea there were codes at the time), and it is ugly as hell.  You can build something to engineering specifications and still have it "ugly".  My artistic skills are not outstanding.  If I had design physical things for a living, I would starve to death.  Let's just say that if life was a ballet, I would be a hippo!  My constructions are very functional, but that that's about it.

Plus, it is a 2-level deck.  The higher level is 12'x12' and the lower level 12'x16'.  I had in mind throwing parties in my new house.  I learned I couldn't fill a closet with "friends" and I'm am not a party-thrower...

So the new deck will be a slightly larger upper one and no lower deck.  The new 16'x16' deck will have very sturdy composite flooring (it used to be cheap and flimsy, but the current stuff is as solid as real '2" by 'wood, and will last longer than I will.  And it is colored right through, so no staining required. 

It will take a several weeks for the deck guy to get the building permit, which is good because it gets me past my dental work next week and also into the drier time on the year (the front yard is muddy in April/May and it is a LOT easier for him to bring the lumber into the back yard by small truck).  I can't wait.

BTW, I mentioned only one builder.  I'm good about competitive bids.  I had 4 estimates last Fall.  So I took the one I preferred among those and asked him for a revised estimate.  Since the revised estimate was so close to the previous one (even with a couple of changes) I just accepted that one.

Why Do I have Books?

Why do I have books?

I had to really ask myself that question today.  And the answer is "because I used to read voraciously" and "because I am very information-oriented".  I am the reason bookstores used to exist.  More succinctly, I grew up "pre-internet and pre-cableTV" and needed books if I wanted information or entertainment.  I used to come home from work, make dinner and then sit in a chair reading a book with a cat on my lap (back in the days of Mischief, Cat Ballou, and Sport-Sport).

I spent 50 years collecting books on varieties of subjects.  I have 60 linear feet of science fiction books, for example.  I also have nearly as many books on science, history, cooking, gardening, philosophy, evolution, fishing, nature, cats, geography, general reference, etc.  OMG, I even have a 3' long set of 40 year old encyclopedias!  What possible value do those have today when the internet is at my fingertips?  They do look impressive though...

But because I decided not to move, I thought it would be a good idea to de-clutter the house and make it look more open.  One thing I realized was that I seldom read books anymore.  So the first project was to reduce all the bookshelf display space. 

I was astonished at how much sci-fi I had.  I was also astonished to realize that I hadn't the slightest idea of the plot of at least half of them.  I packed those into 7 boxes for storage (I can't get myself to simply dispose of them, though I may donate them to some worthy cause later).  I kept the rest, but double-shelved them in the computer room bookcases to save space. 

Then I moved most of the information books from the living room bookcases to the newly-freed computer room bookcase shelves.  I could probably pack up most of those too, but I at least want to display my interests, and even with the internet, many of them are still useful.

The living room bookcases will become mostly for decoration and display.  I have some sets of books that are either valuable (anyone ever heard of "Real Books" or "All About Books"?), presentable (like the uniform 20something book set of gardening and the similiar fishing and hunting set - both from those "once a month" subscription series popular in the 1980s), or impressive (like Winston Churchill's 6 volume series about WWII).

[Speaking of Churchill, I have to mention one of my favorite anecdotes.  Churchill was seated at a fancy dinner party next to a stuffy old dowager who intensely disapproved of him.  At one pointed she hissed "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison you".  To which Churchill famously (and immediately) replied "Madame, if I were your husband, I would let you".  Damn, I wish I could think that fast!]

Well, anyway, back to the books...  Almost all of the non-decorative books are in the computer room (my cookbooks are staying near the kitchen).   Some of the books I discovered I owned amazed me.  Books on magic tricks, odd things to do with common household items, Gray's Anatomy, World Almanacs, Twain's 'Life On The Mississippi', the collected works of Edgar Allan Poe,  college textbooks from the 1970s.  Just amazing stuff.

I might even start reading again...

Dental Visit Results

Well, the dentist visit today was just an exam, but the news is awful.  I have to have a tooth removed (I had expected that, but hoped I was wrong).  I have 2 teeth with partial filling loss and one may need a crown.  And there is one he wants to examine more closely later (not urgent).  Its my own fault; I avoided things for too long.

The tooth removal is scheduled for May 22nd.  I gather that it really is pretty much the "pliers and yanking” process.  Well, OK, he says its fancy "screwdrivers" to rock the roots back and forth, but he will still be kneeling on me and pulling hard and I will actually have to hold my head UP while he pulls DOWN.

I love that they take digital xrays these days.  I had an internal one and one that revolved around my head outside.  Instantly on the computer screen!  I looked at it carefully, and could see my gum line (very healthy) but WOW do those tooth roots go DEEP!  They are like icebergs, 90% hidden.  It's NOT going to be fun.

I’ll be really unhappy for a couple of days after that and I don’t even get to have any alcohol.  Apparently, the pain-killer can only do so much BUT it  reacts badly with alcohol AND you are a bit loopy.  I may have to disconnect my computer before the extraction so I don’t type insane stuff.  Can’t upset my friends with crazed rants from a drugged blogger.  In fact, I think I will arrange for a pre-scheduled post to that effect that day, just in case. 

The tooth extraction is unavoidable  and further work is necessary and I am going to hate this next few weeks.  But the dentist is good.  Well, OK. He is highly rated on Angie's List.  But he is also honest.  He told me the bad parts, he understands my physical problems with the dentist chair, and described how he will adjust to them as much as possible.  I can't ask much more than that.

I think I will ask him to email me the digital xrays.  That would be cool to look at!  And show.  Well, medical stuff is fascinating to me.  I love seeing my insides (the better to understand my self).

Tomorrow, back to normal stuff, like planting my tomatoes...

An Overdue, But Unwanted Visit

I'm sure you have all had to eventually to something you avoided as long as possible.  Tomorrow is my day for one of those.  Tomorrow, I visit The Dentist.

8 years ago, the first week of my retirement, I was having lunch with a friend to celebrate my retirement.  A filling came loose.  Well, it didn't bother me to have it missing, so I delayed going to a dentist to replace it.  My previous dentist had just retired and I didn't like the rather odd attitude of the 2 guys who bought his practice.  Somehow, the oldr dentist's motto of "We cater to cowards" because "Deal with it you coward". 

So not feeling any immediate problem, I figured I would just find a new dentist.  Besides, I had some problems in the dental chair, so I kind of avoided doing annything.

No one likes the dental chair, but my reasons are not (I think) the usual ones.  I don't mind the drilling.  I don't feel it, I don't care.  The dentist could just as well be drilling my name in a concrete slab on the wall.

But I have some problems that cause me to avoid the dental chair mightily!  And if you are sqeamish, just stop reading.  Those of you you who accept that bodily functions vary and are sometimes annoying, may read on.

I have smoked for 45 years, and there are consequences.  I cough a lot, I have a constant nasal drip at the back of my throat, my nose runs, I swallow constantly, and as soon has my jaw is open, I salivate.  And there are some problems I had before I smoked.  I have a small jaw, my teeth are crowded (when I was 30, one dentist wanted to remove 1 forward molar in each right/left and upper/lower part of my jaw to let the remaining teeth "spread out",  I can't open my mouth very wide (a standard thick sandwich is a problem, and a thick sub is impossible).

So when that lost-filling tooth twinged a few months ago, I became worried.  It subsided, bit there were a few days months later when I detected some problems.

A month ago, I noticed some "pinkish"  as I expelled my toothpaste.  And then a tiny bit of filling.  Then pinkish regulary.  I recognized that I had to do something about that and  started cutting done on cigarettes.  The connection there is that I sure wanted to not cough and have to swallow in the dental chair.

Last week, I suddenly felt a slight movement at that bad tooth.  I suspect that there is a broken piece of tooth at the gumline.  Fortunately, there is no pain (I think I had a root canal work there 20 years ago). 

But it meant that I couldn't put visiting a dentist any longer.  I had had Dad living with me for a year in May 2012 to 2013 nd he had a tooth problem.  So I had searched Angie's List for the best local dentists.  And the one I found for him was very good. 

I visited his office today and made an appointment.  He's not going to be happy with the problems I have described above.  But he specializes on children an old people, and in my experience watching him work on Dad's bad tooth, he will be the most tolerant dentist I can find.

I will see how the initial visit goes.  He may simply pull out bits of a broken tooth  and drill out the roots.  I wouldn't mind the tooth simply being removed.  Or he may see I can't handle the dental chair concious and suggest sedation dentistry.

But this is a big step for me right now.  I'm not scared of the dentistry work; just my body's annoying reactions to all that stuff in my mouth.  The dentist doesn't scare me.  But I'm afraid I might choke to death while he does his good work!

If I don't return, then something went really wrong.  Seriously, one never knows...

To Move or Not To Move Part 2

Wow, I can't imagine two more perfect sides to my internal argument about moving than the first 2 comments to yesterdays post.  I'll stick to given handles in reference...

Fuzzy Tales expresses my desire to move to a better place.  There are things I don't like here.  Some of those things would be very difficult to fix and leveling the annoying english ivy-covered ridge is not a simple task.  I can't get rid of the stairs to the basement, and some days I have to walk carefully down them.  There is something that often gets stiff in my left knee at the bone.  I want a house easier to get around in. I may only be 64, but I won't be getting any younger.  The stairs will get more problematic in the next decade.  That possible new house doesn't have to mean "fancier", just "more suited to me".

But Megan makes the argument in the other side of my head.  I like much of where I am and I do not like change.  I live on a dead end street, so there is little traffic.  It is quiet here, and I like that.  I am separated from one neighbor by a drainage easement and the orientation of our houses are relatively far apart.  On the other side, the neighbor is practically non-existent, and that is fine with me. 

I'm not not quite a hermit, but privacy is good.  I'm friendly to talk to to and helpful when asked.  But I'm reminded of something I read about Daniel Boone in the frontier days when he noticed smoke from the chimney of a new house across the valley and decided it was time to move because it was "getting crowded".  There is a difference between "alone" and "lonely".  I don't feel "lonely" here.

I expect I can find a place I would like slightly better than this one.  And again, not bigger or fancier, just "better".  But slightly more suited comes with a lot of effort.   I have contacted a moving company to give me an estimate of "what you see is what you pack and move" and I have contacted a Buyer's Agent, who according to what I have read, represents ME in the house-buying process.

It will be interesting to see where this goes.  I have to admit that, if I could just show someone the house and just say "move it" that would be a great relief (at a cost).  I don't think I can do it on my own.  Then I could choose how much to do on my own.  And if I have an agent representing ME in a purchase, that takes a lot of worry off my mind too.  What I've read about a Buyer Agent suggests that I would save more than the cost.

When I sat down at a table to sign the contract on this house there were 6 lawyers sitting at the other end just daring me to ask any questions.  They knew what they were doing, and I didn't.  They didn't want me to read the contract (I did anyway - mostly), and whenever I asked a question it was either "that's the law" or they all asked a bunch of questions back at me. 

But there was was no one on MY side.  I won't do that again!  I will have an expert on MY side of the table who knows how to read the contract and who represents ME and not the seller.

I look forward to hearing from  several moving company (highly rated ones from Angie's List).  This move might actually happen sometime in the next year...  After 27 years, I can hardly imagine it.

To Move Or Not To Move

Every couple of years, I get an urge to move.  I've lived here since 1986.  I go through the same procedure.  Contact some random real estate agent in possible areas in Maryland, ask about available houses that might meet my desires, then give up and stay here.

I'm not doing it for the fun of it.  I analyze things reasonably well.  The equation is that the problems I want to leave behind are just about equal the the time, cost, and trouble of moving.  Staying in place just seems easier.

I keep coming up with lists and evaluating the lists is all subjective.  If they were numbers, the additions and subtractions would come out about "zero".  For example:

1.  I'm getting older so I'd like not to have stairs.  But spread-out 1 floor houses are more expensive.
2.  I'd like a open style house with 3' walls.  But that means everything has to stay clean.
3.  An open style house give more appearance of space.  But then there are few walls to put tall things up against.
4.  My gardening here is shaded too much by neighbors' trees, but a larger open yard costs more.
5.  My D-I-Y home improvement work over the years has not exactly been terrible, but not admirable either.  I can live with it a lot better than I could sell it to someone else.
6.  The things I dislike about the yard would be nice to escape.  But most of them also fixable.
7.  I know this house so intimately.  I can walk around here in the dark.  In a new house, it would take a year of turning on all the lights at night just to find the bathroom.
8.  Speaking of knowing the house, I knew last year that there was a problem with the A/C just by a slight change in the pitch of the sound.
9.  After 27 years, I have found about the best place for EVERYTHING! I can't imagine how long that would take in a new house.
10.  The cats know how not to get lost here.  That stands by itself as seriously important.  On the other hand, I kept Tinkerbelle inside for a month before I let her out on a harness/leash every day for a few weeks and she didn't get lost.
11.  I'm used to this place and the structures.  Like the 2 sheds.  They fit everything perfectly.  But there isn't anything here I can't replicate on a new property.  And a new larger one would be nicer than 2 old ones.
12.  My garage is so tight that I have only 6" on each side as I pull in.  That seems like a lot more than it is.  Naturally, I don't do that fast.  And I've managed to get some white garage paint on every car I've ever owned.  I could live with a larger garage.
13.  Living here 27 years also means I have long-standing relationships with a Dr, a Dentist, a Barber, etc.  I know where every store is.  The butchers and wineshops know me.  One special orders my favorite wine jusy for me.  Giving that up is hard.

But almost all of those statements could be reversed.  A new house means new possibilities for better arrangements.  No stairs would be easier in the coming years.  An open lot would let me apply the things I've learned about gardening to a new space.  I might find that a new house arrangement is much easier to move around in.   There is some excitement in designing new flowerbeds.  The cats might love the extra yard space and new places to explore.  Unlike when moving here, dead broke with my bank account flat-lined, I have money now (not much D-I-Y work needed).  And unlike when I moved here in my first house and didn't recognize the cheap, cheating ways of my builder, I have some experience in evaluating an existing house or especially one being built new. 

There are other issues.  I could have a solar energy roof and a geothermal heating/cooling system.  I could start with extreme energy-efficient appliances.  In short, I could go from 27 years ago to up-to-date all at once, and probably good enough for the rest of my independent life.  At some cost and a lot of effort...

So it's "familiarity" versus "excitement",  "no effort to stay here" versus "much work in moving".

So I'm asking of those of you who have moved and liked the decision, and those of you who have chosen not to moved and liked the decision, what do you think?  What did you like about your decision to move or not move.  Both decisions are valid, and I'm stuck between them.

I don't often ask for help in making my decisions, but I'm really on the bubble and could use some thoughts.

Swamp Yard

OK, the lower front yard lawn has been sinking the past 20 years.  It was originally an erosion gully and I had it filled 20 years ago.  I had an entire dumptruck of regular yard soil added there and I spent a week spreading it out.  But it has sunk over the years and any rain collects in there; its a swamp now.  I dug a trench from there to the street drain, but it always fills up with tree debris and gets blocked. 

I need more soil.  But how much?  Well, I'm going to set up stakes with strings on them at the level that seems best.  I'll measure severel places under the strings to estimate the soil needed. I am good at geometry.  Then I'll add 50% for packing the soil down a bit.  Not too packed, but it has to be packed enough to resist just being washed away in storms until new grass grows.  And a bit too high would be better than too low.  After all, too low IS the problem.

I'm tired of half the front lawn being squishy to walk on for days after every rain (and unmowable).  Last year, I thought the drainage ditch I dug would solve the problem.  It doesn't.  Time for a more permanent solution.

A Difficult Subject

A botched execution by lethal injection of a condemned convict has been in the news lately.  I'm not going to discuss that.  But my thoughts turned to the chemicals used to humanely euthanize our pets.  I thought they were the same chemicals. 

Most internet searches suggest that they are (some listed other chemicals that are used).  It is difficult to tell how up-to-date these articles are because sites discussing the subject seldom have publication dates.  The news reports about the botched lethal injection stated that the chemicals previously used are no longer produced (one article I read, and lost track of, carefully said "for US prison executions").  If they are not available for executing convicts, then are they available for our pets? 

I am worried that the routinely most humane pet euthanasia protocol has been eliminated by the concerns over the ethics of human lethal injection execution.  I worry about the future of humane pet euthanasia...

I have personal experience.  My cat, Skeeter, was euthanized in 2008 in the extremity of kidney failure.  I was there.  He was sedated and then administered a dose of sodium thiopental while I held his head and looked into his eyes.  The vet was listening to his heart.  5 seconds later, he said "he's gone", but listened another 30 seconds to be absolutely sure.  Not a twitch or eye movement.  I was so grateful for the ease of his passing.

So what happens now for our dear pet friends if there is no sodium thiopental?  Or is it still produced for veterinary use?  I can't find the answer on the internet.  And I want to know.

I'm not worried about my cats right now.  The oldest is only 6.  I'm sure the future will bring forth better chemicals for the sad need of pet euthanasia.  But some cats are older and I know that many are euthanized every day. 

What of them, now? 

It disturbs me to raise this question.  But the need for an answer is strong.  If the best chemicals for humane euthanasia are no longer available, what IS being used now?  And if not the BEST chemicals to free our dear furrends from difficult painful lingering ends, WHY NOT?