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Wednesday, October 10, 2018

My life is Not Going Right

Have you ever felt that too many things are just mostly not going right?  That you thought it was all OK, and then suddenly you wanted to screaming out into the night looking for a clue about how it should be going? 

I shouldn't be at 68, but I am.  Maybe I have lived alone for too long and it is finally catching up to me.  But I can't imagine living with another person 24/7.

Maybe I''ve just lived just lived in the same house too long.  But I can't find anything wrong with the house.  It is actually easy to live in, a nice circular arrangement of kitchen, living room and TV room with 1 and a half baths and 3 bedrooms at the other.  The yard is a 1/2 acre and that's not bad. 

Maybe politics is getting under my skin.  Sometimes it seems to me that we are collectively going crazy.  The world is getting crazier.  Nations are becoming more partisan and controlled by crazy people.  Evil people are learning to control the world again.  I used to think the United Nations could solve some things.  I don't think that now. 

Or maybe it is just domestic politics.  I used to think things were getting better there, but they seem to be getting worse too.  I used to hope about elections; now I just dread them.  Everytime the political commentators say we have hit the bottom, the bottom gets deeper.

Well, maybe the yard has gotten out of my control.  I was 36 when I moved here and felt I could tackle any problem.  32 years seems like yesterday in one sense, but ages ago in another.  I can't do what I used to do.

Or maybe it is just the same old same old furniture.  I've lived like a college guy in his first apartment with hand-me-downs.  And the furniture does mean something to me being old family stuff.  But I don't want "House Beautiful" either.  I live a relaxed style.  My parents once asked us kids what we wanted from their house when they moved to a Florida rowhouse.  I waited for my siblings to choose and then named some furniture after they chose what they wanted.  Dad kept bugging me to chose "something".  I didn't expect them to be alive when the time came to "claim the stuff". 

I didn't want what I had "claimed".  It was a fancy walnut dining table with chairs, china cabinet, lowboy, etc.  That's not me.  And I'm introspective to understand "why".  When I was a child, I wasn't allowed to do any rough stuff on the "fancy furniture".  Maybe if I bought fancy furniture on my own it would be different, but who knows? 

Rosewood seems interesting, but I would be afraid to live with the stuff.

The garden is frustrating.  Not enough sunlight.  I could poison a few trees to make enough sunlight get through, but I can't get myself to do that.  I found a spot where the sun shines brightest,  and planted 3 tomato plants there in July.  And I got more heirloom tomatoes from there in the past 2 weeks than I got in the regular garden all Summer.  All at once of course.  I picked 7 tomatoes today.  I can't eat 7 tomatoes today.

I understand this doesn't match the problems some people have.  But they are MY problems

But together, it means I'm not in the right place, I'm not happy here,  I want a different house (all one level) and I'm on emotional tear here.   I don't like my life.  I need to make some serious changes. 

And I think I am "losing it".  I'm going altogether nuts.  I want to move, but I'm afraid to because I have so much "stuff".  I'm afraid of losing my good city water.  I'm afraid of losing my Verizon cable service.    But I also want to get a good garden and escape this traffic jam of a city. 

When I moved here 32 years ago, it was on the outskirts of residential places, there were no trees round, and life was great.  Now it is a traffic jam morning to evening, I get no sun for gardening, and light pollution is so bad I haven't seen the stars at night for years. 

I'm being stupid.  But also real for me.   


Terri said...

You're not going nuts. I downsized and moved...just a little younger than you. I lived in my previous apartment a little over 30 years, too.

Mary McNeil said...

I've lived in this house for 41 years...I am 72. I can't do what I used to be able to either. I just want to sit around and read and be with my cats and the beagle. I don't want to live with anyone either, but I am very aware of the risks of living alone, with depression. Take care.

Unknown said...

The world is crazier. Our generation - baby boomers raised a wacky set of kids, and the current kids are literally out of their minds.
Moving just might be what the doctor ordered. Something a little more away from the madding crowd, but not too far out. And perhaps smaller too, just to make it easier on you.
We weren't made to remain the same all of our lives. Even at this time in your life, you may want some challenges, but different ones than what you've already faced.
I don't know what your stance is on faith, but praying for answers from the Almighty helps me. It could help you too. Not trying to force that option on you, just telling you what works for me.
Changing furniture styles, home styles, clothing styles, etc. It all is perfectly fine. My mom changed careers at age 65, and worked another 13 years and told me it was the happiest time of her life. And she helped build the practice of the dentist she worked for. He spoke at her funeral and said brining her on board was the best decision he ever made. Gave him a leg up and her some new things to sink her teeth into. New people to talk to, new perspectives.
Sorry, I'm rambling here but this much I know, we hang onto stuff as a reminder of what we believe is important, and most of the time it's the people, the experiences, and the challenges and triumphs that we face that are truly what we need to hold on to... not stuff. some stuff that I've had to let go of, after a while I don't even miss it.
Take the time you need to process through what you need to and want to do. Life is too short to continue doing something you don't want to do.

Megan said...

Mark - you're not being stupid.

Sydney, Australia

AnnDee said...

You might talk to a real-estate agent about looking for what you want, then have them look for it for you. I know you like the area, but how invested in it are you? When we moved, our friends had all already moved, so the only thing we missed about the old place was the dentist (I traveled back for check-ups). Explain that time is not of the essence, but the right house is.

I know how much you hate to travel (me, too), and what a hassle it would be to make sure the Mews were taken care of, but what about a vacation? Sit on the beach, go to museums, visit a place you've wondered about (I'd tour the painted caves in France), go to a gardening convention.

Know that, though we've never met IRL, you're one of my dearest friends. I don't think I'm the only one who feels that way.

Meezer's Mews & Terrieristical Woofs said...

You are in my thoughts, Mark. You are not crazy...restless, maybe, and change is hard at any age.

I hope you can get things sorted out in a good way, so that all these things will not weigh so heavy on your mind as they are doing right now.

If I may: Here are some hugs, cause we all need those at times.
((((( ♥ )))))

The Swiss Cats said...

You're not nuts or crazy, you just need to put some things in order in your life right now, because you feel it. Maybe you need change, and change is hard, not matter how old or how young you are. We hope you can go throught this and finally find yourself again with a life you enjoy again. Purrs and hugs from Claire

Spitty-the-Kitty said...

Hi Mark, This is Spitty's Human. Like you I am 68--soon to be 69 (December). I just retired in mid-July and have been feeling a little unmoored these last couple of months. I worked for 47 years as a teacher, the last 37 of them at the same school. I live in the same place I moved into in 1981, a pretty roomy & charming one-bedroom in a 100+ year-old building smack dab in the middle of San Francisco. The "yard" is the sidewalk. But Golden Gate Park is a block away and I am totally a city person by now. I envy you and others the great gardens, but know too how much work they require.
I think this age might bring on a sort of "midlife crisis #2" when we kind of grapple with "Is that all there is?" At least I know I feel that a bit. I have family and friends, a couple of volunteer gigs I enjoy, enough money that I think I won't end up selling pencils on the street corners. But I also wonder what kind of world we'll be living in during this last "phase" of life. I remember how distraught you were after the 2016 election and the last couple of years have eroded my confidence that things will get better anytime soon. I guess where I am right now is tending to my own small life and doing those things I can to make things better in my own community. I have kind of lost hope that the midterms will bring meaningful change. If the Dems retake the House, maybe I will feel energized again, but I'm not counting on it. Sorry this isn't very upbeat, but I think you have plenty of company in these uncertain times. I hope you start to feel better soon, and Spitty and I will keep checking back. Mary, the Human

Katie Isabella said...

Just read this. You absolutely are not nuts! I have to log off for another reason but I will be back!