Living With Dad, 4

Lucidity comes and goes, but some subjects are more confusing for him than others.  Yesterday, we were talking about a few events from years past and he remembers them, providing rich accurate details.  Yet today, we were filling out a customer survey from the rehab hospital he was in for 2 weeks in May and he can barely recall the stay there.

I knew, abstractly, that old memories can be recalled easier than new ones in elder parents, but seeing the actuality of it is jarring sometimes.  And I am comfortable helping him relive the things he CAN remember.  It gives him something unconfusing to talk about and me something unconfusing to listen to.  And I find out a few things I never knew before.

Like that HE was golfing friends with the fathers of a couple of high school acquintances.  How come we never got together even on the golf course as Fathers and Sons?  Well, I knew that Dad never connected HIS friendships with MINE, but you would think that would have happened even by accident occasionally.  Ah, well, mysteries abound around Dad now and in the past.

The main thing is the present.  Today's adventure was some bills he had to pay.  Property taxes for the coming annual year for 2 condos he rents out.  Payment was straightforward and he understood what the payments were for.  In spite of that, it took 45 minutes of care to get the checks written and registered and put in envelopes.

It will be no surprise to people with elderly parents, but he dithers over every little detail, and usually the same details several times.  I could have done the whole thing in 3 minutes, but it is important to him that he do these things as long as he can, so I spend the time. 

One big problem he has is writing.  He can barely sign his name, so writing out the details of a check is a BIG DEAL for him.  I finally realized that I could (legally, I hope) write out the check as long as he signed it.  So I did the complicated parts and he signed them after I showed him how each check matched up with the details on the tax bills.  It even distressed him to use one of MY return address stickers on the envelope.  I had to assure him several times that the return address sticker was only for the mailbox to return a misaddressed envelope to, NOT the person sending the envelope.  But I will make him his OWN address labels tomorrow (I have a program and stick forms for that).

Then there was the bank statement.  He was sure it was a bill at first and was distressed at the large dollar amounts on it.  I went through that with him line by line and showed him the same amounts in his checkbook register.  He can pay bills and keep track in his check register, but can't understand them weeks later.  I asked him about balancing his checkbook, but he said he trusts his bank statement.  I balance mine each month, but I have to admit that I have never found a statement in error in 40 years, so he may have a point.  Still, I will take a look at his bank statements to make sure there are no charges he didn't authorize.  "Accurate balances" is not the same as "authorized charges".  Dad tends to think charity requests (for good public services like fire and police) are "bills", and I need to make sure that they aren't abusing his support with repeated withdrawals from ONE donation.

Fortunately, I have made many file folders for his use.  He didn't like the file folders, preferring his "own system" (randomly stacked documents in a duffel bag, a briefcase, and a tote bag).  I made the file folders with bright yellow post-it notes stapled to the tops.  I'll make nice file labels when I know which ones he actually needs, but he can read the neon-yellow post-it labels clearly.  I have a file drawer emptied just for his use when all is settled, but for now they are in a box on the table.

After objecting to file folders for 2 weeks, he surprisingly did not object when I stuck his property tax statements (marked "PAID" in big letters) into a folder labeled "PROPERTY TAXES"  and his bank X statement into a folder labeled "BANK X".  He hates changes, but understands order "after the fact"...

I think that I can finally get him to allow me (with his oversight) to sort out his duffel bag and briefcase documents.  I've been working up to this slowly for 2 weeks, and my patience is finally paying off.  Some children, I think, get impatient and just unilaterally DO THINGS for their elderly parents.  I want to keep Dad mentally involved in all his financial processes, even if he doesn't really understand what they are.  I'd rather explain and show things several times then make him feel out of control of his life.

And then there was the medications...  Oh that must be one of the most difficult parts.  I have little experience with medications.  I just don't need any.  So I have to research each and every pill bottle I find.  Between the rehab hospital OTC meds and the several prescription meds I found today (when Dad said he had none, I spent time on the internet.  I won't describe the meds in detail for his personal privacy, but there are some he was supposed to be taking for months and hasn't.  Dad says a 2nd (unnamed) doctor daid not to take them.  I doubt that.

So tomorrow, I have to find a good doctor and arrange a "from scratch" physical and med regimen that I can talk to the doctor about.  Heck, I need a permanent primary doctor myself, so I will try to find the same one for both of us.  We are BOTH  seniors now.  I've read that the best thing for both of us aging guys is a male internist/geriatrics doctor about 5 years out of medical school.  Angie's List, here I come!  Well, AL got us a great dentist...

Food is still working well here.  Dad eats anything, but fortunately, I love to cook from scratch and have a naturally healthy diet (the old fashioned kind of "some" meat, several veggies and a couple glasses of red wine).  I wish I could get Dad to stop demanding a potato and white bread with each meal, but be thing at a time.  Maybe I can convince him that sweet potatoes are "potatoes".  But he is already eating better here than even at the hospital (they overcooked all his veggies, I sampled them).  I steam mine.

I want Dad to gain some weight, but not as fat.  So I make meals of (for example) a marinated baked chicken thigh with a tossed salad with carrot and tomato, a green veg and a orange/yellow veg (and dammit a half a potato).  He wants cake and ice cream for dessert, but I've been adding some fresh fruit slices to that and he DOES dutifully eat everything on his plate.

Thankfully, he doesn't miss having a car.  He doesn't wander.  He knows where he is in terms of the house, though he isn't always sure of what State he is in and confuses past residences.  FL is becoming a vague memory.  He doesn't seem to have any signs of Alzheimers, but some of early Parkinson's (repetitive foot-tapping and hand tremors, and he has the shuffle-foot problem where he can't LIFT a foot enough to START walking most times).

On the positive side, that means he can't raise his feet enough to step on the cats...  The cats appreciate that.  OK, just a little humor there.

He is close to falling over often, but he is aware of the problem well enough that he walks very carefully with support structures (tables, chairs) in sight at all times.  And many times he can walk very confidently.  I'm not sure what to make of that.  Just this morning, he suddenly got up, walked down the inside stairs and the outside steps and got the newspaper.  He walked quite confidently!  So THAT comes and goes too.

I still haven't figured out how to resolve the thermostat problem. Dad wants it at 78, I want it at 70.  Its set at 74.  I have to admit, I am adjusting to the warmer temperature.  But Dad still complains about being cold all the time.  I've gone to wearing shorts and the lightest shirts I have every day, so there isn't much more I can do.  Yet Dad insists on wearing light pants and a light knit short-sleeve shirt (without even an undershirt).  And complains!

I gave him a couple of old long sleeve shirts, but he complains they are "heavy".  Well, yeah, he's not used to those.  Well, I'M not used to shorts either.  I work outside in the gardens a lot on my knees and my knees are complaining as if I was suddenly going barefoot on rough ground.  I'm drawing  line on the temperature.  Dad has to learn to wear warmer clothes!

He doesn't seem to understand anything between light short-sleeve shirts and sweaters.  I offerred light long-sleeved shirts, but he doesn't like them.  I think it's the wrist cuffs that feel odd to him.

Any suggestions?

And to anyone who has read this far down through this very lengthy post, THANK YOU!

Living With Dad, 3

Helpful arrangements done today...

1.  Got him to sort through 10 pairs of really cheap sunglasses to choose 2 to put in the car and 1 to keep for walking onto the deck (he seems to be very light sensitive, so that means I need to get him an eye exam).  But we got rid of 7 cheap giveaway sunglasses that he couldn't part with before (because they were free).

2.  My 2 TV-watching chairs (swivel/rockers) were difficult for Dad to stand up from.  I cut a piece of 1/4" plywood to fit the springs and wrapped it in a towel (to keep the plywood from cutting the cloth over the springs) and he got up out of the chair a LOT easier. 

3.  Set up file folders for his documents.  Next step is convincing him to allow me to put his documents IN them.  One step at a time...

4.  Convinced Dad to let me count the antibiotic pills the dentist prescribed.  I know he considers that a statement that he isn't taking them as often as he should, but I know he isn't.  I just have to prove it to him. 

5.  Did MY laundry and then convinced him to allow me to do HIS.  He wants to do his laundry in plain water in the bathroom sink (obviously not clean enough).  I had some work to convince him that I would just do all of his at once in one load and NOT mix it up with mine.

6.  Got tennis balls and cut them open just enough to push them onto the non-wheeled bottoms of his new walker-helper.

Well, just imagine the tennis balls on the non-wheel legs.  I don't have time these days to photoshop pictures much.  LOL!  He didn't like the idea before I did it.  Now he does.

I'm learning to do good ideas even when Dad doesn't like the ideas at first.  So, I'm learning to just DO things.

7.  I've learned that Fox TV and The Golf Channel will keep Dad happy all day.  I'm MSNBC and The Science Channel, so we'll see how long I can last on just a couple hours of those per day.

8.  I'm giving Dad simple things to do around the house.  Its hard to find them, but he keeps asking.  He can make a salad for dinner and set out the forks and spoons.  That keeps him happy he can help.

9.  I wish I could get him to clean the cat litter boxes...  (Joke!)

10.  I made him a list of the channel numbers of his favorite channels.  Fox TV, Golf Channel, CNN, etc.  That helps him a lot; he thinks Fox TV is the absolute truth in all matters.

Living With Dad, 2

It's an adventure without end (well, yes there will be and end, but you know what I mean).  Sometimes he is lucid, other times he makes no sense.  Sometimes he remembers details of events from years ago, sometimes he isn't sure whether we had dinner.

It is taking a whole new way of discussing things for me.  The best way I can describe it is a spiral.  I start a subject that needs to be discussed (like "bank accounts").  Dad takes the subject in directions I can not anticipate ("checkbook" becomes "old checks from investments that he has cashed and stashed in an old checkbook cover").  The conversation may take an hour and look like this:

I start on the outside and slowly narrow the terms as he understands them until I get a little closer each few minutes.  I ask a question and see how that processes.  Then I adjust the terms in other words to get closer to the fact that I need to get from him.  It can be "difficult" sometimes. 

I sometimes succeed to some degree, sometimes entirely, but usually only in part.  Last night's discussion was about bank accounts.  He says he has many, but I can't pin him down on what kinds and what banks.  And it's not his fault; he doesn't know himself.

There IS slow progress.  I have figured out that he has 3 banks.  I haven't been able to figure out which banks have what kinds of accounts because he wont let me look through his "checkbooks" (which have no blank checks or deposit slips, just old used ones) and his actual documents are in a duffel bag of unorganized papers. 

I want to set up a file drawer of folders for him (well, for ME actually), but he thinks that is "too complicated".  I may just have to stay up after he goes to bed and sort out documents all over the living room and just DO IT!  It makes me uncomfortable to act so unilaterally, but I guess I have to stop thinking of him as a functioning adult.

Apparently, I have to become "Mom/Financial Manager/Dad" to my child-father...  I CAN, it just takes some relational adjustments.

Mom died in 2010, but she was mentally alert, so I don't even have her last days as an example.  Dad is more physically able, but is slowly failing mentally.  I have NO experience with that up close.

I'm learning fast, I'm patient, and I've lived a rather flexible lifestyle for years.  It helps that I'm retired, have no financial problems, and plenty of time to help Dad.  But dementia is a cruel thing.

The good news is that Dad eats about anything Standard American (as do I, except fish), and I enjoy cooking.  So he is eating a lot better here than at his home (hot dogs and cereal, it seems).  He is able to prepare the dinner salad while I make the rest of the meal (a meat, green veg, yellow/orange veg, and he MUST have a potato).

The bad news is that he is confused (mostly) away from the house.  Examples:

When we packed up his clothes, we missed the laundry hamper.  He only had 2 pair of "tighty-whiteys" here.  And he didn't tell me.  So I found out today and we went shopping.  He found the boy's underwear aisle and I couldn't get him out of it.  He just kept looking at the boy's stuff.  So I fund his size and brand 2 aisles over (after some effort - Walmart doesn't stock much of that "old guy underwear anymore).  He spent 10 minutes searching through boy underwear for his size.  He didn't want to stop even when I brought him the kind he wanted.  And he had been washing his only 2 pairs of underwear in the bathroom sink!

Shopping for tub attachments to help him shower, we went to Home Depot.  We found a side tub handle and a tub bench for him to sit on.  Since it was for him, he paid.  Or tried to.  He kept trying to use him AARP Membership card to pay.  He INSISTED it was a credit card (well, it DID have a mag-strip).  I knew he had a real credit card, but he would NOT let me just get it out of his wallet.  Instead, the poor clerk and I had to wait while he searched and examined every shopper card, drivers license, etc he could find.

I have been explaining to MANY people lately that Dad is "old and having problems" so that they understand...  To a person, they have all understood and been patient. 

Dad is considerate of the cats.  He warns them when he is approaching, and when they sometimes don't move, he bends over carefully and scratches them nicely.  He says he likes only dogs, but I think he just won't admit he likes cats too.  He IS kindly to pets.

So things are getting settled slowly here.  MY bedroom is a clutterred mess because everything "stored" that was in Dad's new bedroom is now in my computer room and bedroom.  I'll sort all that out later.  Half the battle is getting Dad used to some new places to keep his stuff, and the other half is getting him to remember where that is.  I know it will take time, and he IS trying his best.

I got him to a dentist today for a bad tooth.  He couldn't understand why Angie's List was better than just picking a name out of the phone book, but he DID like the dentist I found.  Next week's medical challenge is finding an internist/geriatrics doctor for him. 

Can't wait to find out what the next surprises will be...

Tom Swifties

Forgive me, I thought of one tonight.  "context"

"I'll go stop the prisoners from sending short emails said Tom, contextually".  LOL!

I kill myself sometimes...

Living With Dad

This is going to be an adventure I am barely prepared to take.

The Background:

Mom died in 2010 from old age and Parkinson's at 84.  Her body failed while her mind was still capable.  She hated that, and I understand.  I miss her.  Dad is the reverse.  He's old physically, but shuffles around just fine.  He does just fine with physical activities like setting the table for meals, personal things, dressing, etc.  It's his mind that is going.

He is lucid for periods; remembering investments, family, and events.  Then, suddenly cannot recall where he is, who I am, or where any of his investments are.  At those times, anything I tell him is forgotten immediately and asked again in a few minutes.

Now:

I and my siblings live in MD.  Dad lived in FL.  My brother Matt and I flew down May 18, packed all the documents, personal affects, and clothes into Dad's car.  Matt drove Dad's packed car to my house.  Dad transferred his car title to Matt and Matt drove home in the car.  Dad (briefly?) understood that he could drive a car safely any more.

So Dad is here now with all the stuff we could fit into the car.  And into a standard bedroom.  It can't hold all his stuff.  I have some ideas about helping with that (shallow bookcase so he can stack his folded clothes where he can see them - seemingly important to him), a shallow secretary desk with a drawer for his checkbooks and will (important to him), and a tall narrow dresser (space is limited).

My immediate concerns are to get his clothes sorted into 3 piles.  Summer wear, Winter wear, and Never wear. He has enough clothes for 5 people!  Most, he would never have any occasion to wear.  He DOESN'T need 10 pairs of golf pants, for example.

But also, because he feels cold all the time here, he sure doesn't need the 10 pairs of shorts or the short sleeve shirts.  Those have to go to Goodwill.  The hardest part is getting him to wear long sleeve pants and shirts.  He puts on 3 short sleeve shirts and complains his arms are cold!

I told him that he can put on warmer clothes, but I can't wear much less clothes than I do.  He doesn't quite grasp that concept.  Basically, he wants the thermostat at 85 (in shorts) and I want it at 70.  In between is no good because I melt into a pool of sweat at 72.  I want to buy him long sleeved knit shirts tomorrow.

The good news is that he loves my cooking.  I'm always been a "fresh-food", pork or chicken/veggie stir fry type, with baked chicken thighs, and the occasional steak type.  With salads and lots of veggies.  He seems to like that too.

Sadly, he LOVES bread.  I think he was making whole meals of bread before I got him up here.  On the good side, I make great bread and he likes it.  And he is enjoying having salad and meat with his bread.  I'm taking the meals one day at a time while I figure out what he likes that is healthier.  I did get him to agree to start taking my own regular "Men+50 multivitamin today (doctors orders).

My own diet is basically some meat, lots of veggies, a tossed salad, 2 glasses of red wine, and mixed fresh fruit for "dessert".  I haven't introduced the fresh fruit yet, but we are going grocery shopping together tomorrow and I'll see what interests him there.  Irrelevant in a way, since I will be buying a variety for myself anyway.  But I need to find what HE likes.

The cats will be a problem.  He hates cat fur around his bedroom.  I mean, he likes cats "OK" but hates fur.  So far, we are keeping his bedroom door shut all day, but that won't last.  Dad forgets about the door.  They had a cat until about 2000, but dad doesn't remember.  MY view is that cat fur isn't fatal, but it seems to bother his (oddly variable) sense of cleanliness.

We'll work that out...

There are still 5 bags of Dad's clothes down in the basement.  He thinks he has sorted through ALL his clothes.  Tomorrow will be another surprise for him.  Sorting confuses him.  So I think I will do it directly from the bags in the basement.  My idea is to present him with types of clothes (long pants, short pants, long sleeve shirts, short sleeve shirts, etc.  Then ask to him to choose the best 7 of each that fits.  He understands that some of his clothes should go to charity.  90%, actually, but I won't tell him THAT (because it would seem giving "away" too much".  I will have him fill a box of clothes that don't fit (most of them) and remove them each day.  He will forget about those each time, I think  And when I present him with a bunch of donation tax reductions, he will think that grand.

Other than that, he is doing well.  More next time...

Post Mother's Day

I couldn't say it on the day.  Missing Mom for the 2nd Mother's Day now...  I guess it won't get any worse, but it won't get any better either..

Planning For Dad

I have a new bed bought and the new guest room all cleaned out for it.  I have the travel plans all set.  I have the never-ending kibble feeder cleaned and ready.  There are normally 4 litterboxes and I have 4 more cleaned and ready for fresh litter.  There are water bowls and a big bubbler water bowl ready to be set on the floor

The cats will only be left for 2.5 days.  Sometime this month (I do not know when - depends on Dad's rehab report at the hospital), I will be gone for 2.5 days.

Dad will be here for "X" years until he needs better help than I can give.  But the exact day is not yet known.  It won't be THIS night, or tomorrow, so I will waste off tonight with playing Risk and Scrabble online.  Because I think it will be a weird week getting Dad up here with me, and I deserve a blow-off night.

I expect to get up about 2 PM tomorrow.  LOL!

I go to pick up Dad's new bed ("firm" as he likes it) on Tuesday.   It only took an hour at a local bed store to get the best combination of bedframe, foundation and mattress that matched what he is used to (and I don't want to change what he is used to).  And it wasn't terribly expensive ($700 all told) and its hard to get a decent one less than that. He will be a bit annoyed that the headboard and footboard seem "fancy and expensive", but it was the simplest one I could find in "twin" size, so he should like that.  He's miserly, and hates any spending.  But it was the simplest one I thought he would be comfortable in. 

So I am set for him at least 2 weeks ahead of arrival.

Watching the cats adjust to Dad will be interesting.  Fortunately, he only shuffles his feet, so he won't be stepping on him.  And quite frankly, if they can't stay out of his way when he shuffles his feet along, it THEIR problem.  Seriously, if they can get stepped on by Dad shuffling his feet slowly, they deserve it.

The whole group of us 3 children are participating in getting Dad from FL to MD, each doing some part with their own abilities.  That's the good thing.

Brother Matt doesn't mind driving, Sister Susan is good at emptying old houses for sale, and I am good at planning trips, arranging to shut off services, etc.  And I'll be having Dad here which will be a lot of daily personal effort.

This will be the biggest change in my life in 30 years...

Slightly Good News

The rehab hospital has been approved by Medicare to keep Dad in physical therapy for another week, so there is time to plan things better.  Yay!  I got the old guest room (recently storage room) cleaned out today.  Major work.  And I had the entire guest room closet filled with "stuff".  I got that all moved to otgher rooms and the attic.  Lots of old junk to the landfill (but a lot to the recycling center too).  I could have done that years ago, but I'm a man~ana type. when it comes to household stuff.

I figured out the logistics of the move last night as I was trying to fall  asleep.  And, nicely, it still all made sense in the morning.  So its a plan.

It's "one day at a time" now...  I don't know how things will work out with Dad living here with me.  I'll do the best I can.  We might just get along fine, we might not.  Only time will tell.

But I want to give him the best last days that I can.  That means a lot of adjustments; I'll make those adjustments.  Until I can't help him enough anymore.  Then it will have to be an "assisted living facility".  And eventually a hospice center nearby where we kids can visit him often.  We are all going there someday.  But I will do what I can in the meantime.

Elder Care For Dad

Well, Dad turned 90  in April, and he's not doing too well.  Basically healthy, for sure, but old age is getting a grip.  He has to shuffle his feet to walk, can't make turns well, and falls sometimes.

He fell and hurt his head in two places last week.  He drove himself to a hospital, which was apparently a harrowing trip.  It is very fortunate he did not injure himself or others on that trip.  He has been treated and is currently undergoing rehab treatment for balance exercises.  But he must not drive again, and he really can't take care of himself anymore.  He seems willing to stay in the rehab hospital until I can bring him here.

I will be bringing him here to live with me in the next month or so.  So I will be gone for a week at some point, though I won't specify exactly when.  I'll leave a few scheduled posts in the meantime, and let you know when I am back. 

The neighbors will all know when I am away and will be watching the house closely.  They will be advised that there are NO plans for ANYONE to visit and to call the police IMMEDIATELY if anyone shows up attempting to enter the house!

I will hate this trip.  I hate travelling.  I haven't travelled by plane since before 9-11 and worry about the restrictions.  But it has to be done.

The difficult part is that he does not want to move.  He's fighting it, but weakening as he discovers how having others provide better meals and help him get around IS rather nice.  He HAS to have someone like me to watch over him and feed him well.  Wish me the best of luck.  It is possible that I will fly back home alone, but I will drag him out of his house short of legal kidnapping.

I'm working out a step-by-step list for all the things that need to be done to get Dad here...

Doing Useful Stuff, 5

The trees drop branches, I cut down weedy saplings, I trim desirable trees, some shrubs need severe pruning each year.  It adds up to a large brushpile.  

So I finally piled all the debris into the hauling trailer and brought it to the County landfill.  It was 8 feet high in the trailer.  After tying it down tight with ropes, I crushed it down to 6' high.  And delivered it.  Not as trash, but as compostable material.  You see, the County here has a huge composting area.  They pile all the organic debris into rows 20 feet high and a football field long.

In return, County residents can obtain "mulch" (more like halfway between shredded bark and compost) for free).  They will even use a bucketloader to fill trailers or pickup trucks for residents for free on Saturdays.  Its not quite either, but it IS free. 

I usually shovel it out of the trailer into a pile, use a mulch-fork to take out the large parts to use as real mulch, then let the smaller stuff compost (covered by a tarp) to become soil amendment.  Between moisture, time, ants, worms, heat, and microbes, it is really good stuff after a full year.

So it is really a "give raw material this year" and "get back a useful product the next".  And free, did I mention that?  LOL!  Free is good...