Yesterday it was "acorns". We have a huge basket oak over the house and deck. The acorns are falling like hail! Dad asked me what all those "things" were on the deck. When I said "acorns", he said "no, no, I know what acorns look like. Those are something else."
Here we go again...
I assured him that they were acorns, they were falling from an oak tree, and oaks make acorns. "From tiny acorns, mighty oak trees grow", and all that... In return I get "I know what acorns look like and those aren't acorns, and that's not an oak tree."
Well of course they're acorns, and it is an oak tree. I let it go because I don't want to upset him and in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. But acorns are one of the first seeds children learn to recognize and since elderly people remember older memories better than new ones, it really surprised me. Dad ought to remember acorns. Its like forgetting what grass is, or a bicycle, or a mailbox. Some things just seem so basic.
Today, he raised the issue again and was insistent about it. He kept fussing about them not being acorns and it not being an oak tree. He tends to do this when I'm busy, of course. He can watch TV for a couple hours and be nearly absent, but when something gets at him, he doesn't care what I'm doing.
So I lowered the book on him. Literally. I went out and pulled a leaf off the tree (one branch is in reach of a corner of the deck). I grabbed an intact acorn. I got out my Petersons Tree Guide. I opened it to the white oak page and showed him the picture of the basket oak leaf, the acorn associated with it, the actual leaf from the tree, and the actual acorn from the tree. I showed him that the page said "acorn". He had to allow that "those things" appeared to be acorns and that the leaf seemed to be from the picture I showed him.
I'm not trying to be mean... But there is a deeper issue here. As Dad's memory fades and he loses track of what things are, I need him to trust me on things. If he can't trust me that an acorn is a acorn, what is he thinking when I discuss his finances? Is he secretly thinking that I am stealing his hard-earned money but that just what happens when you are old? When I give him his daily prescribed pill with dinner, is he (or will he soon be) worried that I am poisoning him?
The acorn thing is just symbolic of where things are going.
3 comments:
Oh dear friend. I don't think he'd wonder that. Besides, you know the answer and you are not. I remember when my aunt was taking care of her husband (my uncle) who had the big A. She made the statement that she would go along with whatever Ernie said something was. If it was a picture and it really was a book, she agreed that it was a picture. She said the doctor told her to just be agreeable and to pick her fights on the important things like taking medications, etc. I don't know if that helps you or not, but hopefully it can be something you can try anyway.
Let go. Was your dad used to being in control? perhaps he is doing this because he wants attention.
The dynamics between him and you sounds similar to my dad and me. When I was young, everything he did was always right and I was always wrong. We argued, lots. And now - more so. I am lucky in the dynamics of my family, I was the one who was to take care of Mom if anything happened and my middle sister (his Princess) was to take care of Dad. She has no difficulties with him, whereas I do. He even admits to my sister that "When B is around I like to argue with her".
Ciao
Nellie's Mom
I remember then the boys (my sons not the cats) were little the minute I'd be involved in something, cleaning, cooking....that's when they'd come bother me.
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