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Friday, January 1, 2016

Welcome To The Team, 2016!

Well, 2016, you have a big job ahead of you.  I don't mind saying that your predecessor, 2015, did a pretty poor job.  There were many reasons we finally had to let him go. 

Please try not to make the same mistakes.  Your contract is for a full year (you drive a hard bargain) and there won't be much we can do if you screw up so we are stuck with you.

On the other hand, you are stuck with US too.  So it's a mutual "let's try to get along" deal.  Your year matters to US in that we have to live through it, but your legacy depends on it as well.  Surely, you do not want to go down in history as "one of the bad years".  We expect great efforts from you.

Pursuant to that, let us point out some salient terms of our contract.  To wit:

Paragraph 3, subsection B, clause 12 - "Humans take no responsibility for their actions in any way, shape, form, and all general synonyms".

And clause 13 of the above - "2016 is entirely, totally, completely, and all general synonyms responsible for all bad events specified (but not limited to) clause 13, list 2:

List 2:  War, Illness, Asteroids, Alien Invasion, Politics, Religious Extremism, Starvation and Hunger, Climate Change, Wildlife Extinction, Volcanic Activity, and Pollution".  Plus items listed in Secret Addendums 2 and 3".

We note your objection that "Politics" were to be specifically excluded, but we snuck it back in and you signed the contract by appearing on January 1, 2016 midnight, so HA-HA-HA on YOU!

We remind you that, in accordance with standard practice (i.e., software licensing agreements), all disputes will be resolved in our favor by own personally-chosen hired arbitrators, so you don't have a snowball's chance in a furnace of winning any argument.

So we wish you a successful year with us, 2016!  Good luck.

You'll NEED it!



Katie Isabella said...


Best I have ever seen and thanks for it!

Happy Happy New Year my good friend. May we get those terms for the year. I was glad to see the end of '15 too as you know.

Megan said...

Very fun, Mark. I imagine that you could probably have written at length, so it was very disciplined to keep it short and snappy.

Sydney, Australia