email: cavebear2118 AT verizon DOT com

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Funniest Jokes

Since I will be pretty loopy and really unhappy after the tooth extraction at 2 pm today, I am leaving the 4 best jokes I ever heard, for your amusement.  I'll be back online Friday (I hope) or Saturday (If things are difficult) when the extraction heals and I don't have the painkiller pills messing up my mind...

Laughter is sometimes the best medicine...

1.  Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911s. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's actually dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

2.  Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tent for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. 

But what does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment.  
Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!

3.  Two guys are in the woods when they see a grizzly bear running towards them. The first guy runs away and the other follows.

Surprised, the other man says " What are you thinking, we can't outrun a bear!  The first guy says "I just have to outrun you." 

4.  A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...

"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises." 

Hope you liked them 


Fuzzy Tales said...

#2 is my favourite, being a Sherlock Holmes fan (the actual stories and then Jeremy Brett's portrayal).

Good luck! Fingers and paws crossed, the boys send healing purrs.

Katie Isabella said...

I was familiar with 1 of them, the first but I LOVED them. Feel better soon.

Andrea and the Celestial Kitties said...

LOL those were all good, but the last one was awesome!
Hope you feel better quickly after your extraction!

Sorry I missed your birthday yesterday, I hope it was a good one and at least you could celebrate before the pain killers and recovery time!

Oh, about the straw bit you were talking about yesterday. Not that you can't physically drink from one after tooth work, but that you can't, as in forbidden, to because sucking pulls on healing tissue. For instance, if a blood clot (kind of a scab in the mouth) needs to form, you could suck it right outta there and it'll have to start all over again, making your healing time longer. Not fun.
Oh, and icing your cheek really does help, so do it on and off all day! :)

Megan said...

Thinking of you Mark. Hope it goes well. I'm also a Sherlock Holmes fan, so I knew that joke #2 wasn't true - Sherlock Holmes doesn't like the countryside! He's a city chap.

As for #4 - dearie, dearie, dearie.

Sydney, Australia

Kwee Cats and Art said...

Number 3. That's all I can say...number 3 :-)
Thank you.