Pre-Gardening Season

I tried a few things last Fall.  I waited until now to make sure they were working.

The first idea was to replace my aging butterfly bushes.  I'd decided to try cloning the best one with stem-cuttings.  I pruned it in the early fall, and it sent out new shoots as I expected.  I cut them all off and set them into 6 cell-packs after pulling the lower leaves off and dipping the cut stems in rooting hormone.  10 of the 12 cuttings are growing well under my plant stand lights!

The second idea was to take a dozen catmint stems and root THEM.  10 out of 12 growing nicely there too!

The third idea was the best.   I LOVE spreading petunias (aka "wave petunias").  I had 6 last year at a few $$ apiece.  Sometimes they are wonderful.  Last year was a hard year and they didn't grow well.  So last Fall, I dug up the only survivor and put it in a pot under the grow lamps.  Then I snipped off 12 stems and rooted them with rooting hormone powder (the stuff is AMAZING).  Not only is the original plant blooming nicely, ten of the stems are growing as well.  If they stay healthy, I will have 13 spreading petunia to plant in May!!!

I'm thrilled that these attempts are all working out!

Late December

I wish everyone a Happy Holiday.  Mine was a few days ago, but that doesn't matter.  I enjoyed it.  This is for most of the rest of you.

May this be a day that stays in your heart the year-round.  Holidays exist for reasons.  We need times to reflect and think about what makes us a society.  We have Christmas but also 4th of July.  We have Easter, but also Thanksgiving Day. 

We even have Groundhogs Day.  Do you know why?  It's the midwinter day...  Please feel free to check your calendar.

All the oldest holidays have a reason.  It doesn't matter that Christmas is a steal from the Winter Solstice, we ALL NEED a holiday at the shortest time of the year.  It keeps our hopes alive of longer days to come and the annual promise of warmth and successful planting.  We NEED that, because without the promise of new crops we would all die. 

The lengthening days told our ancestors that there would come a time to sow the seeds again.  Ritual days helped them to know when those seeding days would come, and to help us endure the hungry nights until then.

Some people grant the days of planting (and harvest) to deities.  Others don't.  But we have learned to plant seeds at the proper times, and historically, that was at certain holidays (and that was the reason for the holidays).

I wish you a Happy Solstice holiday for whatever reason you give it.  I will celebrate it for the reasons our ancestors did. 

A Happy Holiday to all for all reasons.  May hope and promise of better days follow you all the days of your lives...

Dad Again

Oops, I mentioned that Dad didn't remember to put butter on his potatoes, and it was rightly pointed out that it was a minor matter.  I didn't explain well.

I had made shrimp and fish sticks for dinner and made cocktail sauce to go with them.  And I provided Dad's daily potato and put out butter.  He always puts butter on his potatoes (a family/cultural thing).

The other day, he couldn't remember what he usually puts on his potato!  And he has been eating a potato with almost every meal for all his life.  He has always put butter on them.  (OK, sometimes there was probably gravy).  But for the first time I know of, he couldn't connect butter with potatoes.  Its just one more thing he is forgetting that I find hard to understand.

I would say that I am learning from Dad's experience what I will be forgetting myself one day, but obviously by that time, I won't be remembering these days myself either.

These posts are only helpful to other elderly caretakers, I suppose...

Dad has worse memory failures than butter on potatoes.  He doesn't recall the daughter who died in 2010, he recall recall the least detail of the house he lived in before he moved in with me (and even that he just sold it 2 weeks ago - he seems to think he sold a rental condo in NH).  He became annoyed at a tax bill from NH because "I never lived there" (he lived there for 25 years).

Sometimes he thinks he has lived with me for "may years" and sometimes he thinks "about a month".  In practical terms, it doesn't really matter where he thinks he has lived before, but it does make it difficult getting him to pay bills and taxes regarding places he doesn't remember.

And something else I really need to explain for those of you who are just beginning to take care of an elder parent(s); they can remember things in detail one day and have no recollection of the same things the day after.  Dad can describe his previous house in FL one day right down to the color of the carpets, and not remember ever living there the next day or week or sometimes in the same day.

Don't let it get you down when that happens.  I am still struggling with that, but I AM learning.

Your elder parent has the memories of the hour or day FOR the hour or the day, and there isn't anything you or they can do to change it. (I keep reminding myself of that, I keep reminding myself of that, I keep reminding myself of that...)  Doesn't help, I keep forgetting and expecting consistent memory or non-memory.

The fluctuations in memory are going to be what drives you the craziest.  You never know what to expect for day, one hour, to another.  It is for me at least.

Dad is also failing physically rather fast.  A few months ago, he could walk in straight lines.  A few weeks ago, he could walk in straight lines with a cane, but had trouble turning in any direction.  Now it can take him 10 minutes to walk from the TV chair to the bathroom.

There are lots of turns involved, and he tends to freeze in place then.  And he tends to freeze in place under doorless doorways.  I don't mean there are doors involved, just that opening between rooms baffle him because there is some choice to be made as to where to go.

Any technology baffles him.  The "elder-friendly" remote control doesn't help much.  There are still too many choices.  I am going to cover most of the buttons with opaque tape and see if that helps.  That's a clue, "simplify everything".  It won't help completely.  Couple weeks ago, Dad was flicking light switches trying to get the drapes to close...

Your elder will eat less as time goes on, but get confused about whether he/she is gaining or losing weight.  Dad equates tight waists on his pants with "eating too much", but he is eating less these days.  And some random days he decides he is not eating enough and so needs ice cream.  Hey, if Dad wants ice cream after dinner, that's fine with me.  I always keep some available.  But the confusion is that it has nothing to do with his weight.

Relations with older relatives will also be confusing.  Dad says he calls one SIL  (LOL!  I had to stop and think of the term for the relation between Dad and one of my aunts) almost every week for the past months.  I know he he hasn't because he can't figure out my phone.  Yet even when I mention that, he remains convinced he calls her every week.  He doesn't, because he CAN'T.  So tomorrow, I will help him call her and HOPE that he makes some sense in the conversation.  I MIGHT listen in with the aunt's permission.

Enough for today...

Food Toppings and Hand Washing

Dad constantly surprises me these days.  Mainly about things that I never thought anyone could get confused about.

Like butter...  Dad's memory is weak about recent events but reasonably good about longer-ago events.  Dad loves potatoes, and has been putting butter on them all his life.  Until tonight, when he forgot (for the first time I am aware of).

I made shrimp and fishsticks, potatoes, green beans, and a salad.  So I had cocktail and tarter sauce out long with the butter.  For the past couple of months, he has asked me which of the sauces go with the fishsticks vs the shrimp, and I always tell him that either sauce if fine with either meat, just personal preference.  I've gotten used to that question being asked every time.

But he couldn't figure out what he put on his potatoes?  That is probably the most basic thing he has ever forgotten, because it goes so far back into his past.  He remembered he wanted it on bread...

I'm glad his body is working better than his mind these days.  Answering questions about what to put on potatoes is a lot easier than having to help with personal hygiene.

Hygiene is probably the next problem, though.  I didn't hear sink water running the last time he  used the bathroom.  I think I won't be sharing bowls of chips or nuts in the future.  Seriously, I know he washes his hands sometimes, but I think he is forgetting more often.

I'm not in the habit of doing this degree of monitoring an adult's personal practices.  I can make meals, do laundry, give him his pills, arrange haircuts, write his bill checks for him to sign, arrange taxes, house sale, get him to a dentist or doctor, buy things he needs, etc, etc, etc.

But I can't do the more personal stuff...

Small Victory, But Concerns

Dad got his last haircut in late August.  He hates doing that, but I got him to go with me today. 

I learned something about Dad today.  He loves looking good.  But he is also a cheap tightwad.  Well, OK, I knew that before about his spendig on family, but I never knew about it regarding tipping.

He won't.  The barber said it was $13 and Dad counted out 13 $1 dollar bills like it was pulling fingernails.

I had my haircut and I tipped the barber 15%.  Dad didn't.  So I slipped my friendly barber of many year another $2 as Dad left.  I'll add that to Dad's monthly personal costs for the month.  LOL!

But I hope I don't get like that when I get older...

Dad talked to my BIL Corey today.  Dad has been paying for a portion of a grand-daughters college tuition. 

But this time he didn't remember who she was.  Or who her mother was (a daughter of Dad).  Or who he talked to (the partner of my sister).  Nothing.

And yet, he agreed to send a check, not knowing any of the people involved.  It was a good reason to send a check, but a bad reason not knowing who he was talking to.

I think I better make sure to answer the phone every time.  Dad is in the "sucker" range now.

Garden

I had a good day outside!  Temps around 60 and sunny.

Today was the day for cutting down all the spent flower stems (that didn't have good seeds for the birds).  I cut down the mums, the asters, the sedums, the other asters, the coneflowers, the monarda, the goldenrods, and the black-eyed susans.  And I am leaving them in cages in the empty annual beds in case the birds can get something from them.

I filled the birdfeeder with sunflower seeds, the finch feeder with thistle, and set out suet.  I have plans for a board to spread organic peanut butter on. 

I swept the patio of blown-in leaves and dumped them on the lawn where I can shred them with the mower. 

And I just stood outside looking at the yard.  My yard.  Lots of things still to do, but I was done for the day.  The weather is supposed to be better the next few day.  I'll be out there...

Halalulieh!

This week, I got Dad's 2011 taxes finalized and sent.  It was horrible.  Dad seems to have decided last March that he didn't need to keep tax documents anymore.  And I have spent months searching out all his investment companies and banks to get replacement documents.  HE had no idea who they were, of course, but thank goodness for required quarterly statements and postal forwarding!  I finally found them all and contacted them for replacement tax forms.   Some needed several requests, but in the end, all were GOT!

AND I got the sales documents for Dad's house in FL signed, notarized, and witnessed.  And FedEx'd to the realtor (an adventure in itself).

So, how did Dad thank me for these months of effort?  He asked for a listing of all his funds.  And then he quizzed me about how accurate they all were.  Like I would know if the monthly or quarterly statements were lies?

*sigh*

I spent an hour sitting by his chair after dinner answering all his (often inane) questions patiently and repeatedly.  Did I mention repeatedly?  And repeatedly?  And often?

He is SURE I missed some investment fund somewhere.  I explained that all investment funds send regular statements of net worth, but he is sure there are some I haven't (had the wit) to find.  Old people are maddening...  And Dad is (and always has been) stupidly insulting.

But at least I have the taxes and house sale finished.  Everything from here on out should be just repeated stupid questions and I spent years in my career answering repeated stupid questions.

I just never thought I would have to keep doing it after I retired...

Busy After Thanksgiving?

I mentioned going grocery shopping previously, as that was about the least busy day of the year.  I used to eagerly volunteer to work the day after because the commute was so easy.  It was worth driving to and from work just for the pleasure of driving on nearly empty roads (and it always scored me major points in the office for "giving up" such a valued "off" day).

The regular commercial grocery store was indeed nearly deserted!

But I also shop at a strange local market.  Its a butcher counter, a serious deli counter, a huge beer/wine/liqour room, and a small assortment of fresh produce at great prices.

I love the butcher counter.  They have small packages of meats like any other place does, but they have whole big chunks of meats too.  You want an entire filet mignon?  They will trim it professionally and custom-cut it into steaks.  Same with del monico, NY strip, or pork.  They wold butterfly chicken breasts if I wanted one.  And they have a dozen kinds of sausages.  Its the only local place I can get a beef brisket or a whole pork butt.

The deli section is immense.  I don't buy porcciutto often (and apparently can't spell it either LOL!), but they have 3 kinds!  They sell several kinds of fresh turkeys and the line is out the door the few days before Thanksgiving Day.

I discovered Pomegranate liquor there too.  Now I make what I call a "Cavebear Sling".  Ice, 1 oz gin, 1 oz pomegranate liquor, 2 oz pomegranate juice, fill sling glass with ginger ale...

But I told you all that to tell you this...

The day after Thanksgiving is NOT a slack day there!  They have their own Black Friday sales.  They sell whole slabs of beef (whole, not cut).  Delmonico for $2.88 per pound (just for example), and all meat is on supersale!  People were in a frenzy.  I despaired of getting just some regular meat for a few days of cooking (while my turkey thawed out.

But, you know how they used to say "get to know your butcher"?  It works.  The number I pulled was 12 down the line, but I have been comoaring gardening notes with her for 3 years.  She saw me and asked what my number was.   When I told her, she looked around and said "what do you need?"  Fortunately, I just wanted a couple meals until the turkey thawed, so it was 2 chicken thighs and 2 hot italian sausages.  But there was also some unindentified "pork roast" on supersale.  I asked, but she didn't know exactly what cut it was either.  I took one because it looked like it was good for stir-fries.

And I'm experienced at the place.  Get the butcher number and go get a deli number at the same time.  The deli turns over customers faster.  My deli meat order was ready before the butcher order was.

If that last part doesn't make sense to you, you haven't shopped around here.  Nick's of Clinton (existing only in Waldorf these days) is an unusual place.  But I bet some NY folks are familiar with the idea.  Other places too, but I only know this kind of place otherwise from visiting a friend in NYC.

The chicken was dinner tonite, the italian sausage will be dinner tomorrow, there will be a good pork strir-fry Sunday, and I will cook the turkey (I hope) on Monday.

Oh I STILL forgot why I mentioned all this!  The people in the store filled shopping carts up COMPLETELY with MEAT!  I've never seen that before in my life!  Complete racks of "wholes" of several cuts of steaks, 10s of pounds of hamburger, 6 whole chickens.  I can't even describe it all!

When things calm down the next time I shop there, I will ask them about it.

I WISH I had my camera with me...

Turkeyless Thanksgiving Day, Sorta...

I bought a turkey today...

Dad and I were invited to have Thanksgiving Dinner at my sister's.  I don't usually make a big deal out of holidays.  Having lived alone for many years, I find they start to seem a bit pointless.  But I do usually visit my sister on Thanksgiving every few years.  In fact I probably like Thanksgiving most of all the holidays.  When I was a younger adult, I enjoyed making a holiday dinner for my bachelor friends.  New Year and Fourth of July are good ones for me, too.

So when my sister invited Dad and me this year, I thought it would be a good idea.  I don't LIKE driving, especially on holidays, but Dad seemed interested and my sister thought it would be nice for the younger generation to see Dad (since he had been down in FL for 4 years).

But Dad's decisions are always temporary.  A few days beforehand, I mentioned the trip again.  That's usually the best way to keep him "on board".  The trip suddenly seemed like a LOT to him.  He asked what state she was in and what day we would have to leave.  I explained it was only a 2 hour drive there and 2 hours back.  He decided that was too much car time and decided not to go.

He may have been concerned about the "car time", which can be annoying in holiday traffic.  He may have been concerned about a busy house with lots of noise and commotion.  He may just have not wanted to leave the house (he hardly walks even a step outside much anymore).

So I expressed our regrets to my sister (his daughter of course, but that sounds oddly circular).

But it also meant no turkey on Thanksgiving Day.  I would have needed to find a fresh turkey the day before Thanksgiving and I've gone grocery shopping that day before and try to avoid it.  Fortunately, I had some Filet Mignon in the freezer, asparagus, and corn on the cob, so we did have a relatively "fancy" meal. 

Which also leads to being happy to go grocery shopping today.  I always figure that the day after Thanksgiving HAS to be about the slowest grocery store day of the year.  And it was at the regular store.  I never saw so many shopping carts available before, LOL! 

I also bought a turkey.  88 cents per pound!  Can anything be less in demand the day after Thanksgiving?  Well, maybe champagne on Jan 2nd...  But the turkey is frozen, so it will be a few days to thaw out.  I'll do the basics.  Mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing...  Dad doesn't eat much at a time these days, so I can't go "whole hog" on it.  But he will probably remember it as "Thanksgiving Dinner" for a few weeks.

The sad part is that after we had our steak dinner Thanksgiving Day evening, after we watched the parades on TV, after we watched a traditional football game, Dad asked me when Thanksgiving Day was going to be.  I froze for a few seconds trying to think of what to say.  I finally said "In just a few days, and I'll make your favorite stuff". 

So, that's why I bought a turkey today... 

Having to Smile Sadly When...

Dad...

1.   Asks who is knocking at the door when I tap bowls into the trash.
2.   Sees groundhogs outside where there are only piles of leaves.
3.   Suddenly walks all around the house looking for me and forgets there is a basement.
4.   Watches me making lunch (where I routinely make a large sandwich and cut it in a half for each of us) and asks (in seriousness) if one half is for him.
5.   Shuffles in tiny tiny little foot movements, freezing in place a minute at a time, and thinks he is "w alking normally".
6.  Needs to listen to the TV at volume 20, when 15 is normal, and then assumes that I can't hear it because his "hearing is excellent".
7.   Thinks that walking to the bathroom and back is "good exercize".
8.   Asks about the "explosion" when I drop a knife on the countertop.  Yes that contradicts #6...
9.   Asks for a calendar so he can tell what day of the week it is (think about that for a few minutes)...
10. Tells a cat to get off his chair and gets annoyed when they can't understand his words.
11. Doesn't undersand why not taking a shower once a month is a problem because "he doesn't do any work".
12. Believes in everything Fox News says because "they are the most-watch news show".
13.  Worries hours about medicare statements that say "THIS IS NOT A BILL", because it might be a bill.
14. Asks how to open the drapes every afternoon this week, after I've shown him how to open them every day this week.
15. Can't use the very simplified TV remote I bought "specially for old folks" to change the volume.  "Yes Dad, its that button labeled "volume".
16.  Can't turn ON the TV with the simplified remote.  I wrote on an index card for him.  "Press PWR Button and wait until picture appears".  He can't do that.
17.  Flips deck light switch on and off rapidly hoping to get the drapes to open or close.
18.  Calls all the cats "he" and "dogs".
19. Refuses to go to bed until I do.  No "me" time.  Sometimes I can pretend to go to bed then get on the computer if I am REAL quiet.  I close the room door, open the window, and let in some wonderfully cool air...
20. HAS to have corn AND potato, AND bread with every meal.  All those starches!  But it probably doesn't make any difference at his age.

Back To Dad

Well, it seems like I am talking about Dad almost all the time these past months.  It IS the major focus of my life.  I can't avoid it; just having another person in the house is strange.  Having an adult who is becoming less able and more confusing is even stranger. 

I understand, intellectually, that Dad is forgetting more and more things.  But its the THINGS he is forgetting that are most confusing.  I understand that older memories are more stable and new ones are iffy.

Last week, the sun started setting so that it shined on the chair he sits in and he wanted to close the drapes partially.  I happened to walk into the room, and he was flicking the deck light switch on and off trying to get the drapes to close.  I showed him the cord on the side that you pull to open/close the drapes.  OK, he hadn't had to do that in months, maybe years (picturing his FL house).

The next day, I had to tell him again.

Today, he pointed to the toolshed in the house next door and asked when they built it.  I said about 15 years ago.  He said "No, this is new".  I looked at it was the same old shed.  It might have been a bit brighter from the lower angle of the sunlight.  He said "NO, it wasn't there yesterday".  I mentioned that he had looked at it a couple months before and asked me what that yellow box was attached to my shed, and that I had explained it was the neighbor's shed. 

OK, so he forgot that and the different sunlight made it stand out more.  But he said that he looks out that window every day and it wasn't there before.  I said "Dad, I KNOW my yard and the views from it.  That shed has been there many many years".  He insisted it hadn't been there before. 

Sigh...  OK, I'm not the most diplomatic person in the world.  I told him his memory was failing.  I've been honest about things like that with Dad.  Not to be cruel, but to be realistic.  It seems important to me, as his caretaker, and for him, that he accepts that I am always going to be right on simple factual things.  Things like day of the week, time to take pills (and whether he has or hasn't), when he needs to change his clothes, what he can safely do himself or not do, etc.

I also understand that trusting other people on factual stuff is hard for him.  Even decades ago, in the prime of his life, he never thought ANYONE else was right about ANYTHING he didn't know personally.  I used to spend a lot of time researching factual disagreements to prove him wrong.  Me 100, Dad 0, and that never affected him in the least!  He had that kind of selective memory that forgets all lost disagreements.

Could I have that same kind of selective memory?  No.  I remember all my mistakes all too well.  I hate being factually wrong as much as Dad does but I acknowledge it and remember.

So when Dad got overly insistent that the neighbor toolshed had NOT been there a few days ago, I tried to relate the situation to the drapes (see above).  I was direct about it.  I simply asked Dad if he knew how to close the drapes to keep the sun out of his eyes in the afternoon.  He looked at them, but he couldn't recall.

So I pointed out that he had asked me how to close the drapes every day the past week, and I had shown him every day the past week.  That his short-term memory wasn't working as well as it used to.  That he didn't remember seeing that neighbor's toolshed there while looking out the window previously.  That he had to start trusting me on those simple things...

I'm not trying to score points against Dad.  That's as pointless as beating your 5 year old at chess.  It isn't a contest.  Its about getting Dad to accept that he can't remember some kinds of things.  Does he want to acknowledge that?  Of course not.  Neither would I.  But can he accept that?  I think he can. 

I need him to trust me.  Because as he gets less able, that is going to become more important for him than for me.  When he gets too difficult to take care of (or live with), he is going to have to move to an assisted-living facility. 

I haven't mentioned the idea ever.  And I won't until I can't bear the situation any longer.  I wouldn't ever threaten him with it or even hint at it.  But I am always aware that the day will come. I will both hate that day, but also be relieved.  I both love him and want to take care of him, but he s also driving me nuts and completely upending my life. 

I hope you understand the conflict.  I you do, then you've "been there".  If not, I hope you get your turn taking care of an elder relative so that you will understand...

Its a valuable life experience.