Have you ever felt that too many things are just mostly not going right? That you thought it was all OK, and then suddenly you wanted to screaming out into the night looking for a clue about how it should be going?
I shouldn't be at 68, but I am. Maybe I have lived alone for too long and it is finally catching up to me. But I can't imagine living with another person 24/7.
Maybe I''ve just lived just lived in the same house too long. But I can't find anything wrong with the house. It is actually easy to live in, a nice circular arrangement of kitchen, living room and TV room with 1 and a half baths and 3 bedrooms at the other. The yard is a 1/2 acre and that's not bad.
Maybe politics is getting under my skin. Sometimes it seems to me that we are collectively going crazy. The world is getting crazier. Nations are becoming more partisan and controlled by crazy people. Evil people are learning to control the world again. I used to think the United Nations could solve some things. I don't think that now.
Or maybe it is just domestic politics. I used to think things were getting better there, but they seem to be getting worse too. I used to hope about elections; now I just dread them. Everytime the political commentators say we have hit the bottom, the bottom gets deeper.
Well, maybe the yard has gotten out of my control. I was 36 when I moved here and felt I could tackle any problem. 32 years seems like yesterday in one sense, but ages ago in another. I can't do what I used to do.
Or maybe it is just the same old same old furniture. I've lived like a college guy in his first apartment with hand-me-downs. And the furniture does mean something to me being old family stuff. But I don't want "House Beautiful" either. I live a relaxed style. My parents once asked us kids what we wanted from their house when they moved to a Florida rowhouse. I waited for my siblings to choose and then named some furniture after they chose what they wanted. Dad kept bugging me to chose "something". I didn't expect them to be alive when the time came to "claim the stuff".
I didn't want what I had "claimed". It was a fancy walnut dining table with chairs, china cabinet, lowboy, etc. That's not me. And I'm introspective to understand "why". When I was a child, I wasn't allowed to do any rough stuff on the "fancy furniture". Maybe if I bought fancy furniture on my own it would be different, but who knows?
Rosewood seems interesting, but I would be afraid to live with the stuff.
The garden is frustrating. Not enough sunlight. I could poison a few trees to make enough sunlight get through, but I can't get myself to do that. I found a spot where the sun shines brightest, and planted 3 tomato plants there in July. And I got more heirloom tomatoes from there in the past 2 weeks than I got in the regular garden all Summer. All at once of course. I picked 7 tomatoes today. I can't eat 7 tomatoes today.
I understand this doesn't match the problems some people have. But they are MY problems
But together, it means I'm not in the right place, I'm not happy here, I want a different house (all one level) and I'm on emotional tear here. I don't like my life. I need to make some serious changes.
And I think I am "losing it". I'm going altogether nuts. I want to move, but I'm afraid to because I have so much "stuff". I'm afraid of losing my good city water. I'm afraid of losing my Verizon cable service. But I also want to get a good garden and escape this traffic jam of a city.
When I moved here 32 years ago, it was on the outskirts of residential places, there were no trees round, and life was great. Now it is a traffic jam morning to evening, I get no sun for gardening, and light pollution is so bad I haven't seen the stars at night for years.
I'm being stupid. But also real for me.