Independence Day

I normally just observe it quietly, but I've been thinking about it more the past few years.   Maybe its because I got my degree in Government and Politics and minored in History (mostly English history).

I could just put up a big US Flag .jpeg, but I want to say more than that this year.

The US exists because of England.  We were a colony/colonies at first, but there were other colonies in North America from other European nations.  It was the English system of laws that got the colonies established as they were, when other nations failed at that. 

England (and eventually Great Britain) should be proud of its colonial offspring.  Yes, some things went imperfectly, and there were dark moments in history.  But England gave its colonies some special gifts.  Like political organization, merchant classes, a basic concept of "rule of law", an economic middle class, and business.

Few European nations managed that (yes, the Dutch etc).  But England had the combination of legal systems, economic systems, and social mobility that increased in what became the US.  I'm not forgetting our Canadian friends, but my point is about the US today.

We owe England a lot.  Yes there was the revolution, and the War of 1812 isn't a bright spot for anyone either.  Even in our terribly uncivil Civil War there were doubts about our relations.  But its been good, nay, "better than good" since then.  It would be hard to think of any 2 nations better friends over a century+ (and Australia and Canada). 

A few centuries from now, history will tell of the time of Great Britain, the US, Canada, and Australia as perhaps the greatest peacetime and wartime allies advancing democracy around the world.  It might be called Pax Americana, but it all came from England originally.

So I just want to say Thank You Britain on THIS day because I know where it all started...  Britain, your children owe you.

But, of course, I HAVE to show the flag, LOL...

Storms, 2

Oh well, I meant to add pictures to the post yesterday.  But I got up late and the pre-saved post was alreaddy there.  Then I needed to make lunch for Dad and me, feed the cats, get the mail, etc...

So here are the pictures...

I had almost no damage.  This fallen branch was annoying because I had to cut it to pieces to move it off my hosta bed.

But it sure wasn't serious.  I'm just glad that huge tree on the west of the house stayed tall again.  I probably will for another 50 years.  But it may fall next time.  You never know...

The branch was only twice the width of my shoe.

Ans it only fell 20'.  Here's where it broke off.  Its a weird black maple tree.  It grows from my neighbor's yard, but almost entirely over my yard.  The previous neighbors refused to pay to have it cut down (or even trimmed).  The new neighbors are well, "new" and I don't know them yet.

But THAT tree isn't threatening anything, so I will just let it be for now.

This picture is sort of a joke. I deliberately put the thermometer in the full afternoon sun.  I suppose the temperature is accurate for full afternoon sun.  On the other hand, I WAS out there in the full sun, and so were the plants.  I was watering the plants after cutting the fallen tree branch to manageable pieces.  I drank a quart of Gatorade while outside.  And plain water when I went inside!

My favorite HOT joke:  "It was SO hot, I saw a starving coyote chasing a terrified rabbit, and they were both walking"...

But seriously, we don't have month-long droughts here in JUNE.  July and August are the dry months here.  The unshaded lawn grass is already dormant and crunchy.  What are July and August going to be like?  I do not routinely water the lawn.  The grasses here go dormant in late Summer and the Fall rains bring them back to green until the next July.  But I may have to water the lawn this year.  Even the weeds in the lawn are dying, and I don't think the turf grass is as hardy as the weeds.

I've never seen it like this in early July.

STORMS!

Well, we have had some surprising stormy conditions here lately!  The first was Friday night.  For one thing, I didn't know it was coming.  We don't watch much live TV here (well, Fox and Golf channels, but they aren't big on local weather).  It was eerie.  Around 11 pm, Dad commented on how dead still it was outside.  And just then, "the train came through the station".

The wind suddenly whipped up to near hurricane level, the rain started, and the lights began flickering.  I'm not too worried about the lights because we have underground cables here; a power outage is rare and usually lasts only a few seconds to a few minutes.  Its been years since it was a whole hour.  I LOVE our underground cables!

But the rain started driving against the front windows higher up and harder than I can recall seeing even in the few hurricanes we get in MD.  Naturally, I had just noticed this past week that my back rain gutter was coming loose at one end.  These things never happen at the beginning of a drought, of course.  I'll have to arrange for a repair soon, but I'm sure gutter repair companies will be busy for the next month with damages from fallen tree branches.

The rain only lasted a short while, but we got 1/2" of rainfall.  I'm glad of that!  I would have liked more.  I've been watering selected parts of the gardens, but nothing beats rain falling everywhere.  Some long-established shrubs were wilting and the 1/2" of rain perked them right up.

There wasn't too much tree damage in the neighborhood.  After lesser winds, I've awakened to the sounds of chainsaws.  But I went out and found a dozen broken branches in the yard.  I collected them to bring then up front to pile in the utility trailer, when I realized I had walked RIGHT PAST a major tree branch fallen on the hosta bed, LOL!  I haven't moved it yet, its way too big for me to lift.  I'll have to haul out the chainsaw.

I have to laugh, of the entire neighborhood, I may be the only person having to use a chainsaw this weekend! 

It could always be worse.  One nice thing about my property is the huge mature oaks and sweetgums.  One bad thing is the huge mature oaks and sweetgums!  There is one old oak directly west of the house (from where the strongest winds come).  Every severe wind, I wait to hear it crack and fall onto the house.  I regret that I will have to have it cut down some day before it crashes onto the house.  I wonder if my insurance company will partially pay for preemptive tree-cutting?

Garden/Yard

Well, not everything here is "Dad".  I still work in the yard when I get the chance.  My latest project has been removing weedy tree saplings and brambles.

This is the debris...

The nastiest work was among the brambles.

They grab everything!  Clothes, socks, shoes, flesh...  I bled from many unexpected thorny encounters.  The spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.  Thorns beat skin almost every time.

But plants can't organize and move.  I can.  I won slowly (though painfully).  One square foot at a time...

I can imagine it from the bramble point of view.  "We tried to flee, but we were frozen in place as if stuck in the ground!  Closer and closer it came, our friends screaming as they were cut down mercilessly,  Finally, I was the only one left , I determined to defeat the terrible claws of the lopper, sure that my will would prevail.  Then it came.  The final contest arrived.  I willed my cells to..."

LOP!  The last dead bramble...

This is the view to the house from the toolshed..

Before...

And after...

Quite a difference!  I hate to say this, but I use Roundup.  Carefully, but not as the manufacturer recommends.  When I cut down the weedy tree saplings this time, I use a disposable brush and dab a bit of undiluted Roundup on the cut stump.  As Ripley said in 'Aliens' (I think, well, one of those), "Its the only way to be sure".

I should explain... The backyard is half mature trees and half open.  The half open part has my garden for 2/3s and a weird raised ridge between the trees and the garden.  It is slightly too sloped to mow easily, but mostly it has been taken over by english ivy.  I have no idea where the ivy came from, but it sure loves the ridge.

That ridge has always been a landscaping embarrassment.  I've tried to figure out what to do with it for 25 years and never come to a satisfactory conclusion.  Its just ugly, and I mean that in a "utility" sense.

It's too shaded for gardening and too sunlit for hostas.  It's too sloped to mow with the riding mower and my few attempts to use a regular gas manual mower have been exhausting.  Where there isn't english ivy, there is poison ivy and weedy saplings grow there happily.

When I stand out on my deck, the ridge is in the center of all I view.  It says "Oh try to dig me up.  I will outlast your puny pathetic personal muscular efforts; you are too old to defeat me now.  Remember when you tried to level off that ONE small hill of me?  You quit after only an hour.  You WIMP".   It says other things, but I can't repeat them in polite society.

I can either make my peace with the ridge or...  I can destroy it.  Yes, it is time to bring out the big gun.  An Excavator!  A PROFESSIONAL!  The ridge has to be leveled.  I realize that this is a personal fight with the local geography.  But while I'm generally inclined to let nature be nature, this ridge mocks me constantly.

I could have the ridge removed finally or move.

It goes, or I do...

It is going to go! Because I'M not.

Mark

Living With Dad, 9

What I miss about living alone...

1.  Listening to music.
2.  Watching cartoon shows. 
3.  Drinking too much once in a while. 
4.  Staying up all night sometimes. 
5.  Playing Risk, Scrabble, and Backgammon on the computer at game sites for hours.
6.  Standing out on the deck watching the wildlife and contemplating yardwork while drinking a beer.
7.  No criticism.  Dad is a natural critic. Well, he's an engineer.  His order of perfection in the universe is "A vague deity", surgeons, engineers, and then everyone else.  I'm in the "everyone else" category of course,  LOL!
8.  Staying cool (temperature-wise).  I have a high metabolism.  I'm comfortable at 68F.  Dad wants it at 85F.
9. Not ever watching Fox News. Dad thinks Fox News really IS "fair and balanced".
10.  Being sarcastic or making jokes.  Dad doesn't get jokes anymore..
11.  Being alone.
12.  Not getting really strange advice.  Like "you have too many cats", "you have too many flowerbeds",  or "you have too many books". 
13.  Keeping odd hours.
14.  Not having to explain anything to anyone.
15.  Arranging and keeping track of someone ELSE'S doctor/dentist appointments.

I'm making adjustments (and getting used to them).  Most of my old habits are arbitrary, so I can change them.  And I'm naturally flexible.  For example, I never used to eat meals on a schedule, but Dad does.  So now I eat lunch every day at noon and dinner at 6 pm.  It might even be good for me...

For the rest, time will solve those "problems" eventually.  I may even miss the changes to my lifestyle some day.

One day at a time...

Living With Dad, 8

Today is one month since Dad moved in.  Its gone a LOT better than I expected.  Which isn't to say "great", but you know what I mean.  It could be a whole lot worse.

Getting Dad up here was awkward, but my "too complicated" plans worked (thanks to my brother actually driving Dad from FL to MD over 2 days).  Settling Dad into the house was difficult at first.  Well, he went from a house of his own to a room of his own; that was hard for him.  Of course, he has the rest of THIS house now, and its bigger than his FL house.

Dad had a hard time getting used to the idea of being here as a resident, not a visitor.  I did too.  Nothing like (me) living alone for 28 years and then suddenly having a housemate!  I still haven't gotten used to having someone else around 24/7. 

The odd thing is that I've always been a happy loner, but I'm doing OK with Dad here.  I've always been good about adjusting to new situations.  Hmmm...  Let's correct that to "Ive always been good AT adjusting to new situations, even if I hate it and do it kicking and screaming at first".  Which of course, I couldn't do with Dad here being all concerned about this major change in his life.

So this was ONE time I surpressed the "kicking and screaming at first" and went straight to the acceptance part.  Well, I guess family matters.  I never had a family housemate since I left for college 44 years ago. 

Please don't take this wrong, but the idea that it is not permanent helps.  There will come a time when Dad needs professional full time care I can't provide.  It may not be all that long.  But it is uncertain.  He is both healthy and fading at the same time.  I don't know how to explain that (but of course, I will try anyway).

He is HEALTHY in that he has a good appetite, needs no personal hygiene assistance, can usually walk around on his own, and can deal with simple daily activities very well.  He can get in and out of the car, carry dishes to the table and back, help with some parts of the meals, etc.  When I say "healthy" I mean that his internal body (heart, lungs, etc) seems to be in good condition, and he is mentally able is daily things.

He is FADING in that he is having more difficulty getting STARTED walking around (his feet just won't go when he wants them to), is more hunched over, and possibly more forgetful than when he got here just a month ago.  When we were in FL, he could remember events of a week previous.  Now, a few days ago is beyond his recall.  So some things are fading in just a month, but other parts of his life are staying steady.

None of his doctors suggested Alzheimer's, and only one suggested "mild dementia".  I question the non-dementia part, though.  Its one thing not to remember what he had for dinner the day before (sometimes I have to think about that myself), but its another to not remember going in the car with me to deposit checks at his bank the previous day. 

He is generally happy...

He watches Fox News or golf most of the day, he enjoys my cooking (and he should - more on that below), and he has someone to talk to (Mom went into assisted care in 2009 and died in 2010).  I actually listen to him.  Its hard with old folks, but I register when he says anything and make sure I hear what he is saying and respond.  Even when it doesn't make sense at first. 

It helps that I have cats.  Don't laugh!  As parents always have an ear open to the sounds of children, I have always had a part of my mind attuned to the sounds of the cats.  That same part hears Dad all the time.  I can always stop what I'm doing and sit next to him to hear anything he wants to say.  And I suppose if I've done it for a month, I can do it for a year.

The hardest part is dealing with documents that come in the mail.  I've started just tossing the obvious junk mail, but most of his mail is uncertain as to importance.  I hate the advertising from established business arrangements most.  Some are important, some are junk, but they are all equally concerning to Dad.  I HAVE to let him open them.  I will NOT open any mail to him that might be important.  He has a right to his mail.

Even if it takes me an hour to convince him that some mail is not important and some is...

About the cooking...  In FL, Dad was living off (as far as I can tell by asking and by what was in his refrigerator/freezer) hotdogs, frozen fish filets, ice cream, and martinis.  It is very likely that the best thing the 2 weeks of rehab hospital gave him was balanced meals! 

And I've been doing that here.  That part is easy, I am just cooking the same stuff I normally eat, just twice as much.  Except that he MUST have a potato with each meal.  But basically, I have always had a meat, a green veg, an orange/yellow veg, a tossed salad, and sometimes a starch like spaghetti or rice.  Fresh fruits for dessert, though I kind of fell into a weakness for small slices of fancy cheescakes just before Dad arrived.

So we meet in the middle, sort of.  He has to get my good diet, but he also gets his ice cream for dessert and I get some fresh fruits into him with the ice cream.  I wish I could get him to eat more fruit.  He likes it well enough, but if he was ALMOST full and had a choice between ice cream and a good ripe peach, he'll go for the ice cream.  Well, he's 90, maybe I shouldn't worry about that so much.  If he made it to 90, ice cream probably ISN'T going to be what kills him!

Dad still does strange things.  Mostly "strange" because they are not what he did the day before.  I found a laundry hamper to fit in the main bathroom (he doesn't want it in his bedroom for some reason and the hamper in his FL house WAS in the bathroom).  And he usually puts his worn clothes in there.  But yesterday he "washed" his underpants in the sink and set them to dry over the air vent. 

Well, life with Dad isn't boring; there's always something new...

Mark

Garden

I get some time out in the garden.

Here is one of the tomato beds.  In front are bell peppers and basil.

Behind them are heirloom tomatoes.   In the blue tubs, I grow potatoes.  This year I have blue potatoes I found in a grocery store.  To harvest the potatoes, I just dump the tub out on a tarp.

 That's my first fruit of the year.

This is the hanging pot with the cherry tomato growing out the bottom.  It is growing up, but gravity will win.  Then I will pick cherry tomatoes as I walk past.

Here are the few Italian flat beans that grew.  I need to plant more   Only half grew.

And more cukes too.  Only half of THEM emerged.

Living With Dad, 7

Its the finances that are going to be the death of me.  Not costs, I mean the checks and bank statements, trash documents, etc.  Every single little document is a source of frustration.  We spent 1.5 hours deciding what to do with 1 received check, 2 change of address confirmations, a homeowner association board meeting notice, and a monthly investment statement.  It was maybe 10 minutes work for me if I got those myself.  But with the detailed explanations required for Dad, the repeat of the explanations a few minutes later, the backtracking after that, the filling out of a simple form and addressing of a simple envelope, and "the keeping of the documents", we used up 1.5 hours.

Dad is completely confused about his several banks with multiple accounts.  He considers each separate account "a bank" in conversation, which gets really confusing.  Fortunately, I have managed to eliminate one actual bank.  Every simplification helps.  A constant concern of his is bank failure and loss of his money (he is old enough to remember the bank failures of the Great Depression).  I explain that assets are federally insured, but Fox News reports and gold-seller advertisements all over TV have him worried.  I would like to get his checking and standard savings accounts into a local bank, a money market account into another, and some money into CDs at a credit union (for the higher interest).  Yeah, that's 3 banks, but they would be separated by type of accounts and I can keep THAT straight.  Plus new accounts get me a clean start so that I can start balancing his checkbook and entering his earned interest monthly.  Right now, he just trusts the monthly bank statements to be accurate.

And I'm still trying to get his older records sorted out (mostly looking for 2011 tax information).  So after the new mail was taken care of, we spent another hour+ as we went through the remaining ones in his duffel bag (his version of a file cabinet drawer).

Dad keeps stuff in old envelopes chronologically.  Worse, its chronologically by date of receipt, not the month it actually applies to.  So an amendment to his 2008 taxes is with Oct 2011 stuff because thats when it was processed.  And the Oct 2011 envelope has his property tax voucher in with bank statements, PR junk from a bank, and donations for the month, etc.  ARGHHH!

He can't understand why I want to sort documents by company and subject...  I'd understand if he could find any documents with his system, but he can't.  And I have to be able to find his documents.

His wallet is another scrambled mess.  There aren't many cards in it, but they are all just stacked together.  HE can't find anything in it when he needs to, and objects if I try to find anything.  For example, finding his Social Security card or credit card takes forever.  Not because he has so many cards in the wallet, but because he keeps them (deliberately) packed into just a couple plastic holders (all the others are broken on the sides).  I'd LIKE to get him a new wallet with new cardholders for each card, but he won't spend the money for one OR allow me to just buy one.  He wants his OLD wallet, broken as it is...

I'm hoping to get a chance to buy him a new wallet for Fathers Day and HOPE he will use it.  One nice plastic holder for each card he has in the old wallet.

I understand his concerns about keeping records the way he is accustomed to.  I really do; changes in personal organization are difficult.  But his way doesn't work for HIM either anymore and I'M the one who has to find records now.

I also know that I need to make changes slowly so that Dad can get used to them (in reality, "slowly" so that he has SOME illusion of control). 

I think the hardest part of all this is that I'm not dealing with a child.  I'm dealing with a person who knows he is an adult but COMPREHENDS like a child.  A child doesn't know or care about records and forms.  An adult does.  Dad KNOWS that these documents are important (and quite frankly, HIS).  While he knows that he can't understand them anymore, he can't stop trying.  THAT'S the Sisyphean hill we labor against every day...

Dad's fading mental abilities are the rock he is trying to push uphill.  But I'M the one doing most of the pushing and I have to keep running around him awkwardly to get a good grip on the rock.  When he asks the same set of questions about "settled" actions for the 3rd or 4th time, the rock slips downhill a bit and I have to get the rock uphill a bit further than it was when we started the day.

The rock will get bigger and heavier as time goes on and Dad has greater difficulties in understanding things.  I expect it, and I'll deal with it as best I can.  Because there will come a day when Dad no longer even tries to manage his affairs.  That will be a more difficult day.  Easier in the sense of "just handling his bills myself", but harder in that I will be watching my Dad fading from this world...

Mark

Living With Dad, 6

Wow, Dad got up at 2 am and turned on the TV to watch Fox News for about 10 minutes.  Then went back to bed.  I guess I better start documenting his activities.  Because I'll forget them and it may become important some day.

Last night, he suddenly started asking where his wine was.  I thought he meant his vermouth because he calls that white wine.  Well, I suppose it is, but he insisted he had a bottle of red wine in the fridge.

He did not have a bottle of red wine in the fridge.  He has never had a bottle of red wine in my fridge.  He doesn't even LIKE red wine.  I think there was a very old bottle of red wine in his fridge in FL.  He is forgetting where he is again, in time AND space.

He usually has these confused moments around sundown.  Travis at HealthSouth said its actually CALLED "Sundowner".    I'm getting to avoid asking difficult questions at sundown.  He gets very confused then.  And its so weird!  One moment he is acting fairly normal, then like a light switch turned off, he make no sense.  I need to look this up.  Maybe there are ways I can help him around this daily confusion.

It is hard watching this happen. 

I'm tempted to go through the rest of the documents in his duffel bag.  It would be so easy for ME to do it.  But I won't.  It matters that he sees every document, even if it is so slow.  *sigh*

Dad complained about the sheets on the bed.  I washed/dried them last night and made his bed.  No static either.  He says he itches.  Well I can't get him to shower more than once a week, of COURSE he itches.  Am I supposed to drag him into the shower?  I would if I should.  Should I?

Living With Dad, 5

Today's (long-avoided) challenge was to start sorting through Dad's collection of documents.  He DOES have some documents in envelops, but they are more chronological than organized by subject.  I set up file folders a few days ago and took opportunities to let him see those (familiarity helps), but he hasn't liked the idea.  Maybe he hated files in his career job, too.

So I started slowly a couple days ago.  Loose documents and new mail showed up, so I showed him how I was putting those in the new file folders.  And there are a couple of CDs he wanted to cash in, so I typed letters to the banks (at their instruction) and had him sign the letters.  He fusses that the post office won't return the envelopes to him unless his name was on the return address, so I made him his own set of sticky-back address labels!  That made him feel better.

He even walked the envelopes out to the mailbox himself.  He didn't complain TOO much about that, so I got him to sit down at the table today to start sorting through the duffel bag of documents.  Most are copies of bill statements that have been paid.  He didn't want to keep those, yet he had them back through 2010.  I let HIM put those in the special "document trash box" I set up (with a big label he can read so that he remembers what it is for.  Plus, a special box will let me sort through it after he goes to bed so I can make sure nothing stays in there that he should keep.

It IS very frustrating sometimes.  He looks at old phone bills  and throws them in the trash box, then will look at the next old phone bill and dither about it for several minutes.  I am patient and explain the same thing over and over when he feels uncertain and forgetful.  Meanwhile, I go through dozens of other "same old bills" in 2 minutes.

We found many investment accounts I did not know about, so I made many new folders.  The "filing-by-subject" idea confuses him.  These days, he thinks in terms of "degree of importance" and wants to keep those most "important" things together.  It doesn't matter to him that one document is a birth certificate and the next is a certificate of deposit; those are both "important".  It takes some effort to convince him to let me put his (and Mom's) birth certificates in one folder and the CDs from the banks in separate bank folders.  He is CONVINCED they will be lost among the folders.

Later, I asked him to name anything he wanted to get his hands on.  He said "CDs", I produced them immediately (showing him the file folders).  Naturally, he still doubts the filing system.  I understand why; its not HIS system.  But I'M the one who will have to find documents...

We found last year's tax form, and we found a lot of 2011 tax documents.  He hasn't filed his 2011 tax forms.  I'll have to make a few calls Monday.  His last year's tax form preparer first, to see what they did for this year's tax form before he seems to have lost track of not filing them.  They seem to have done some preliminary work.  And we will NEED an expert in both Florida taxes forms and NH tax forms.  I can't do those!

I'll have to go to the IRS/FL/NH websites to see about filing for an extention forgiveness due to "medical problems".  This is going to be a BIG MESS.  But we'll get through it...

And have the duffel bag and a whole briefcase are yet to go through!  I can't WAIT to see what I discover next in those.  Dad was worn out going through 2/3 of the duffel bag of documents!

I am getting along.  My usual routines are all shot to hell and back, but I'm being flexible about it.  Fortunately, Fox News and The Golf Channel are good Dad-sitters.  He can watch them all day (though I get him up and about a few times and keep some conversations going about the shows.  And I get him out on the deck (and yard sometimes) for change of scenery and some exercise.

I get out to the garden.  I planted beans, cukes, and transplanted some basil seedlings today.  The tomatoes and bell peppers are doing well.  The cats are doing well (Dad responds to the cats well).  I make some time on the computer (obviously), but I can't take my time at it as well as BD (Before Dad).

The first 2 weeks, I spent all my time around Dad as if he was a guest so that when he wanted anything I was there.  I'm getting a little used to leaving him alone for some time, and I have been talking to him about treating this as his own home.  At first, if he wanted some potato chips as a snack, he would ask me.  I THINK I've convinced him that he can just go get anything he wants anytime at all, even in the middle of the night.  I understand his reluctance (I think).  If he just "gets" food, it means he lives here, and he still wants to think this is just temporary.  After a few more weeks, he will forget he lived anywhere else recently.  I'm serious, he is already forgetting living in FL.  He barely recalls staying in the rehab hospital for 2 weeks just 4 weeks ago.

And let me say that I sometimes repeat myself here.  Between this blog, emails to friends and family, and discussions with various businesses, I sometimes lose track of what I have said to who, when.  So forgive me things I've already mentioned.

Life goes on. but it isn't always a straight line.  There are sometimes dips in the road.  LOL!

But we are managing, and that's the important thing.