email: cavebear2118 AT verizon DOT com

Friday, December 12, 2014

Men Are From... Camo?

I was shopping at Walmart yesterday.  I had a list.  I shop at Walmart for some brand-name items they happen to sell cheaper (cat litter, non-prescription drugs, vitamins, printer ink, calendars, etc).  I rarely buy anything not on my list (I am a relatively disciplined shopper).

But pushing the cart past the shoe department, I was stopped in my tracks.  I'll try to do a Ron White imitation here (I love his off-beat, low-key style)...*

They Call Me Camo Slippers

"So I was in the Walmart, the other day, and in Maryland, they can't sell liquor, so that was a bit weird.  But the printer ran out off all the ink at the same time, and I needed to print out Holiday cards and the Staples store wasn't open yet.  I'd been up all night destroying the Pogo.com Scrabble bots, and suddenly I felt a need to go buy kitty litter.  Yes, there was wine involved, isn't there always?

So there I was in a Walmart that doesn't sell wine in a State that doesn't allow it, and I carted past the shoe department and put the brakes on the cart.  There were slippers!  Now, I love my feet.  They mostly keep me upright, and with enough wine, that's a good trick!  I appreciate that...

I own a few pairs of slippers.  My favorite ones are the Hobbit slippers.  Bigger footprint - better standing up ability...

But these were CAMO!  I checked my internal inventory list and I was pretty sure I didn't have any camo slippers.  Then I checked my internal inventory list a 2nd time and it agreed with the 1st list.  Internal consistency in wonderful.  Not something that happens all that often for me.

Yep, I didn't have any camo slippers...

I HAD to have a pair.  Now, Walmart usually has only 2 sizes of anything.  XXL and small.  Fortunately, and as my several ex's have commented, "small" is about right for me.  You can argue about size all you want, but you can't fake shoe size and I'm a 7.5 (or an 8 with really thick socks).

Sorting through the 1,000 dozen XXL slippers, I found the 1 pair of small , and tried them on.  Which was rather easy; my favorite type of shoelace is "velcro" and my shoes mostly use those.  You can be too drunk to tie a shoelace but you can't be too drunk to use velcro.  Even a close try works.  It may have been invented for that purpose.  Sure, NASA says it was for astronauts with clumsy gloved hands, but I know better.  The astronauts were sniffing the fuel tanks for a lack of wine...

So I tried them on.  They didn't fit - they were actually too small, and I'm not used to that!  I bought them anyway.  Fortunately, there was paper stuffed in the toes.  Not unlike what I do with my pants personally when I go out to bars.  That can get awkward at times, but usually doesn't alter the course of the evening.

But I bought them because they were CAMO, and "camo" is to guys what "pink" is to women.  It defines us small macho types and suggests what is not really there.  Like pink lipstick, and rouge and all those things the women use to suggest what is not really there.  You KNOW what I mean...

I'm wearing the camo slippers now.  I feel MANLY!

Never mind that I am hardly invisible in the house because of the camo slippers.  You can't be invisible when you are wearing bright green golf pants and a red plaid shirt just because you are wearing camo slippers.  But you can PRETEND to be.  You can THINK you are invisible.  

Let's say a lion has crept into the house.  He knows you are there, SOMEWHERE.  But he can't find you because you are wearing your camo slippers!

So that's when you grab the ever-sharp Ginsu knife and slit its throat!

And THAT'S why I bought the camo slippers..."


* Everything except the camo slippers is completely fictional... 
Everything except the camo slippers is completely fictional...
Everything except the camo slippers is completely fictional...

This started by me wondering why men love camo clothes (and I do) and sort of took on a life of it's own.  And there IS something about camo that men love.  Hope you all enjoyed it... 


2 comments:

Katnip Lounge said...

Oh...this is SO TRUE!!! Scott came home from Lowe's with a CAMO 4-foot ladder because it was, and I quote: SO CUTE!

Mark's Mews (Ayla, Iza, and Marley) said...

Lowes has a camo LADDER? Damn need to get there as soon as they open tomorrow!!!

A guy never knows when a stealth ladder might be required... LOL!

Seriously? Enough camo and I might be able to grab a squirrel! THAT would show the cats who is BOSS! Forget the ability to open cans, catching a squirrel would settle the question FOREVER!