Hmm...

I don't want it to sound all negative.  There are good points.  Dad appreciates my cooking.  I make him laugh with my rather casual references to his age and infirmities.  Yes, that can be funny.  We both know that neither of us will live forever, and when I make a joke about it, he can smile.

I don't mean that getting very old and staring death in the face is funny, but there are small things he can accept when I make light of them. 

He falls, and I say that I set the gravity meter wrong again.  When he struggles to sign his name on a check, I tell him I gave him the trick pen again.  When the cats get in the way of his feet, I say they just want him on the floor so he can give them scritchies.  When he sees his annuity check on the monthly bank statement, sometimes I ask him how long he thinks I can get away with it going in there after the Caddies take him to that great golf course in the sky.

Dad knows he is old and fading.  I know he is old and fading.  There isn't a way around that.  Perhaps the best thing I can do is just make things easier for him as long as I can.  A little humor helps.  And I am a bit surprised he smiles at my jokes.  I know what I am doing, and HE knows what I am doing.  He's not stupid, just old.

He is fading.  He's walking worse than when he arrived here 10 weeks ago.  He knows it is harder for him to even sign a check when I even write it out for him.  He knows he is sleeping in the chair in front of the TV (but not how much more often than 2 months ago).  He knows what being 90 means.

For the first time, he is examining the walker.  He asked if I would carry it outside for him to use.  "Would I" is almost insulting, but I know he doesn't mean it that way.  What he means is "I need this, and I know you will help me. WHEN I finally ask you."  I understand that.

I record some of his strangest statements, I take the few pictures I can.  I'm only trying to record his last days for family.  And hekp him the best I can.

I'm lucky in this.  I lived alone.  I was retired.  I was well-off myself.  I had free time.  I was the obvious right place for Dad to be in his final years until he needs professional assistance.  And that time is not yet.

That doesn't mean that Dad isn't often confused (and CONFUSING) a lot of times.  Helping him pay his bills is maddening sometimes.  But we get through it.  That doesn't mean that I wouldn't rather live alone again.  That doesn't mean that the cats wouldn't rather have just ME around.  I don't have to shove at them with a foot in order to get them out of my way like Dad does.  I mean, they really DO get in his way deliberately to seek attention.  THEY don't know he can't just walk around them like I do.

Dad has his brighter moments.  Today, he remembered the speed of light while I had an astronomy CD on, and I was surprised.  Sometimes, he sees the flaws in political arguments of his favored side (Republican).  Not often, but sometimes.  When he asked how I "monitored the deck for failure" (which confused me at first), he also understood that my 16" joists (every other joist double thick) made it less likely that the deck would fail and he felt easier about walking out on the deck.  I love those bright moments when he is still analytic...  There are thoughts in the old brain yet.  And I will keep engaging him in any areas he can still think about.

We continue, two aging guys living together as long as I can manage it...  Him seeing his past in me, and me seeing my future in him.