Thursday, June 7, 2012

Living With Dad, 4

Lucidity comes and goes, but some subjects are more confusing for him than others.  Yesterday, we were talking about a few events from years past and he remembers them, providing rich accurate details.  Yet today, we were filling out a customer survey from the rehab hospital he was in for 2 weeks in May and he can barely recall the stay there.

I knew, abstractly, that old memories can be recalled easier than new ones in elder parents, but seeing the actuality of it is jarring sometimes.  And I am comfortable helping him relive the things he CAN remember.  It gives him something unconfusing to talk about and me something unconfusing to listen to.  And I find out a few things I never knew before.

Like that HE was golfing friends with the fathers of a couple of high school acquintances.  How come we never got together even on the golf course as Fathers and Sons?  Well, I knew that Dad never connected HIS friendships with MINE, but you would think that would have happened even by accident occasionally.  Ah, well, mysteries abound around Dad now and in the past.

The main thing is the present.  Today's adventure was some bills he had to pay.  Property taxes for the coming annual year for 2 condos he rents out.  Payment was straightforward and he understood what the payments were for.  In spite of that, it took 45 minutes of care to get the checks written and registered and put in envelopes.

It will be no surprise to people with elderly parents, but he dithers over every little detail, and usually the same details several times.  I could have done the whole thing in 3 minutes, but it is important to him that he do these things as long as he can, so I spend the time. 

One big problem he has is writing.  He can barely sign his name, so writing out the details of a check is a BIG DEAL for him.  I finally realized that I could (legally, I hope) write out the check as long as he signed it.  So I did the complicated parts and he signed them after I showed him how each check matched up with the details on the tax bills.  It even distressed him to use one of MY return address stickers on the envelope.  I had to assure him several times that the return address sticker was only for the mailbox to return a misaddressed envelope to, NOT the person sending the envelope.  But I will make him his OWN address labels tomorrow (I have a program and stick forms for that).

Then there was the bank statement.  He was sure it was a bill at first and was distressed at the large dollar amounts on it.  I went through that with him line by line and showed him the same amounts in his checkbook register.  He can pay bills and keep track in his check register, but can't understand them weeks later.  I asked him about balancing his checkbook, but he said he trusts his bank statement.  I balance mine each month, but I have to admit that I have never found a statement in error in 40 years, so he may have a point.  Still, I will take a look at his bank statements to make sure there are no charges he didn't authorize.  "Accurate balances" is not the same as "authorized charges".  Dad tends to think charity requests (for good public services like fire and police) are "bills", and I need to make sure that they aren't abusing his support with repeated withdrawals from ONE donation.

Fortunately, I have made many file folders for his use.  He didn't like the file folders, preferring his "own system" (randomly stacked documents in a duffel bag, a briefcase, and a tote bag).  I made the file folders with bright yellow post-it notes stapled to the tops.  I'll make nice file labels when I know which ones he actually needs, but he can read the neon-yellow post-it labels clearly.  I have a file drawer emptied just for his use when all is settled, but for now they are in a box on the table.

After objecting to file folders for 2 weeks, he surprisingly did not object when I stuck his property tax statements (marked "PAID" in big letters) into a folder labeled "PROPERTY TAXES"  and his bank X statement into a folder labeled "BANK X".  He hates changes, but understands order "after the fact"...

I think that I can finally get him to allow me (with his oversight) to sort out his duffel bag and briefcase documents.  I've been working up to this slowly for 2 weeks, and my patience is finally paying off.  Some children, I think, get impatient and just unilaterally DO THINGS for their elderly parents.  I want to keep Dad mentally involved in all his financial processes, even if he doesn't really understand what they are.  I'd rather explain and show things several times then make him feel out of control of his life.

And then there was the medications...  Oh that must be one of the most difficult parts.  I have little experience with medications.  I just don't need any.  So I have to research each and every pill bottle I find.  Between the rehab hospital OTC meds and the several prescription meds I found today (when Dad said he had none, I spent time on the internet.  I won't describe the meds in detail for his personal privacy, but there are some he was supposed to be taking for months and hasn't.  Dad says a 2nd (unnamed) doctor daid not to take them.  I doubt that.

So tomorrow, I have to find a good doctor and arrange a "from scratch" physical and med regimen that I can talk to the doctor about.  Heck, I need a permanent primary doctor myself, so I will try to find the same one for both of us.  We are BOTH  seniors now.  I've read that the best thing for both of us aging guys is a male internist/geriatrics doctor about 5 years out of medical school.  Angie's List, here I come!  Well, AL got us a great dentist...

Food is still working well here.  Dad eats anything, but fortunately, I love to cook from scratch and have a naturally healthy diet (the old fashioned kind of "some" meat, several veggies and a couple glasses of red wine).  I wish I could get Dad to stop demanding a potato and white bread with each meal, but be thing at a time.  Maybe I can convince him that sweet potatoes are "potatoes".  But he is already eating better here than even at the hospital (they overcooked all his veggies, I sampled them).  I steam mine.

I want Dad to gain some weight, but not as fat.  So I make meals of (for example) a marinated baked chicken thigh with a tossed salad with carrot and tomato, a green veg and a orange/yellow veg (and dammit a half a potato).  He wants cake and ice cream for dessert, but I've been adding some fresh fruit slices to that and he DOES dutifully eat everything on his plate.

Thankfully, he doesn't miss having a car.  He doesn't wander.  He knows where he is in terms of the house, though he isn't always sure of what State he is in and confuses past residences.  FL is becoming a vague memory.  He doesn't seem to have any signs of Alzheimers, but some of early Parkinson's (repetitive foot-tapping and hand tremors, and he has the shuffle-foot problem where he can't LIFT a foot enough to START walking most times).

On the positive side, that means he can't raise his feet enough to step on the cats...  The cats appreciate that.  OK, just a little humor there.

He is close to falling over often, but he is aware of the problem well enough that he walks very carefully with support structures (tables, chairs) in sight at all times.  And many times he can walk very confidently.  I'm not sure what to make of that.  Just this morning, he suddenly got up, walked down the inside stairs and the outside steps and got the newspaper.  He walked quite confidently!  So THAT comes and goes too.

I still haven't figured out how to resolve the thermostat problem. Dad wants it at 78, I want it at 70.  Its set at 74.  I have to admit, I am adjusting to the warmer temperature.  But Dad still complains about being cold all the time.  I've gone to wearing shorts and the lightest shirts I have every day, so there isn't much more I can do.  Yet Dad insists on wearing light pants and a light knit short-sleeve shirt (without even an undershirt).  And complains!

I gave him a couple of old long sleeve shirts, but he complains they are "heavy".  Well, yeah, he's not used to those.  Well, I'M not used to shorts either.  I work outside in the gardens a lot on my knees and my knees are complaining as if I was suddenly going barefoot on rough ground.  I'm drawing  line on the temperature.  Dad has to learn to wear warmer clothes!

He doesn't seem to understand anything between light short-sleeve shirts and sweaters.  I offerred light long-sleeved shirts, but he doesn't like them.  I think it's the wrist cuffs that feel odd to him.

Any suggestions?

And to anyone who has read this far down through this very lengthy post, THANK YOU!

10 comments:

Thumper said...

Parkinson's could be a reason why he's so cold but can't stand heavier clothes...they probably hurt, but he might not be able to articulate that (my dad had horrible Parkinson's made worse by Parkinson's related dementia...he had a very hard time getting his point across) My parents lived in San Antonio (mom still does), so it was usually overly warm and humid, but the last few years he was abysmally cold and wanted the a/c off, but he couldn't handle wearing long sleeves. Sweaters or long sleeved t-shirts were like sandpaper against his skin.

The kind of cold he feels (I can relate because it's a lot like the cold from being hypothyroid) is like being cold from the inside out, and it's like an itch you can't scratch. So it might not be hum being stubborn about dressing warmer...it might be because he's got this itchy, twitchy, deep down cold and doesn't know how to explain it.

The being close to falling over a lot might be Parkinson's as well. The signals from the brain that say "pick up the foot" sometimes get scrambled; a couple of years before he died he could walk well enough, but often had trouble either getting started, or suddenly his feet wouldn't quite do what he wanted. He eventually co-opted my mom's walker for balance.

Those are all things to discuss with your doctor when you get one. My dad dealt with other things, like Parkinson's freeze, that complicated things, but not everyone goes through that. And you want to be sure that's what you're dealing with and not a condition that mimics it.

Tina T-P said...

Hi Mark - I wandered over here from the Katnip Lounge - My folks have both passed away, but so many of my friends are having similar issues to what you are going through - I think our generation is shocked to realize that suddenly we have to become the parents to our parents! It sounds like you are doing really well though - your dad is very lucky to have you. :-)

I was going to suggest a light sweater for him - check at Goodwill or consignment stores - you might even be able to find something in cashmere - really light, but really warm. And sweaters generally don't have "restraining cuffs" - do you think he might wear some fingerless gloves while he is sitting & watching TV - or a light blanket around his shoulders? That would go a long way towards keeping the chill off.

Keep the faith that summer is coming - so things will warm up - Also, maybe you could get some knee pads to strap on when you are doing your gardening - you definitely want to protect those babies -

Good luck and some head bumps to your furry kids. T.

Mariodacat said...

Hi Mark. My heart goes out to you for doing such a wonderful job with your father. Yes. please get a doctor's appointment set up for him, Both my husband and I have Parkinson's and the earlier it is diagnosed, the better. At least you will know what you are working with, A cane or walker (rolling one) might be in order soon so he doesn't fall. I use a walker when I go out of the house, and my husband prefers a cane. Balance issues are a real problem when you have Parkinson's.

Katie Isabella said...

I haven't any useful comments Mark, but I am right here with you as a friend.

Mark's Mews (Marley, Lori, Loki, and Binq) said...

Many thanks...

Just Ducky said...

You might want to get to be an additional signer on his checking account. I did this with my Dad, so I could freely wright checks. We made it a joint account, that way I could still pay for his final bills after he died. I could not have done that if I only had power of attorney.

Katnip Lounge said...

Mark, My Dad is nearly 80 and he's cold all the time too! Since I have Mr. Flash visit me occasionally I get pretty dang warm when I see my folks. How about a small fan for you to keep cool, and I think the lightweight blanket is a good idea.
Once again, I admire you and I think you are a great son.

ANGEL ABBYGRACE said...

Mark
The suggestion of cashmere is a good one, you might look into a shawl of cashmere. It would be warm but small and he might get tangled up in a blanket, but the pashmina might work real well because it is so soft to he,lp keep him warm.
Definitely get as many joint accts as you can. My parents are also in their 80's and my brother and I are on all of their accts including their property.
It makes things less complicated.
You are doing a wonderful job of taking care of your Dad.

Ivan from WMD said...

Bless your heart, Mark.

~William's mom.

Alasandra, The Cats and Dogs said...

I think the move from FL to Maryland could be part of the problem with temperature. He is used to it being hot and muggy most of the time and wearing cooler clothes. I imagine over time he will adjust and you can both find a temperature you are comfortable at. Hope so anyway.

Hope you are able to find a doctor you both like and get the medications sorted out.

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