email: cavebear2118 AT verizon DOT com

Friday, May 21, 2010

Happy Birthday To Me

Turned 60 today.  Heh.

I didn't care when I turned 30.  Or 40.  Or even 50.  But I thought I would care when I turned 60.  Somehow, I thought turning 60 would be a major change, like turning 21.

Nah.  I feel the same as 40.  That's actually weird.  I feel like I SHOULD feel different.  I think I SHOULD feel older at 60. I just don't though.  I'm just as competent or not competent at the same things as I was 20 years ago.  I know more science than I did at 40, but that's only because there is more science to know now and I do keep up with it.  I don't understand people any better now than I did at 40, but that's probably just me.

I guess I'm still in that "middle-aged" limbo.  Somewhere between "stupid young adult" and "losing-it old guy".

I'm not doing anything today to celebrate it, but I'm not doing anything to mourn it either.  I just don't feel like today is all that different from yesterday or a day 10 years ago.  Maybe 70 will start to feel "old".  I'm just not there yet.

Which is maybe a good thing...

Last year on this day, my parents were visiting.  Once, my Mom asked what the date was.  I said "May 21st, my birthday".  She asked again an hour later and I said the same thing.  That didn't even get a reaction from either parent.  Dad was there at the table.  Neither one recognized "my birthday" as having any meaning among us.  And that's when I knew they were "losing it".  Because Mom never forgot my birthday before.  And Dad was supposed to be the "memory" for both of them.  She has lost her memory and HIS memory no longer serves them.  And they don't realize it.  That is so sad...

So today, and each year on this day, I mostly now mourn the "loss" of my parents.  They are still alive, but their memories, their "selves", our connections, are gone...  I will never have "them" back.

*SIGH*

6 comments:

AFSS said...

Happy Birthday.

It is really hard to watch your parents age especially when they are "there" but their memories are lost. ~Alasandra

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, and many more!
It is sad to watch you loved ones slip
away , but they may be in a place with
much less care and woe

Jacqueline said...

Happy Birthdy Mark!...I'm sorry to hear about your parents; it is so hard to watch loved ones deteriorate...I'm sorry you have lost the bond of shared memories, but the love that binds you together is still alive in each of you, no matter the ravages of time...I hope you will embrace this day as a wonderful day in your parents lives when they were given a precious son and a special day to celebrate the lovely memories you have built with them over your lifetime; as long as you hold those memories dear, they are not lost...I hope today is better than you anticipate...with love on your special day my friend.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday dude.

I know what you mean. I am alittle younger than you, but am a late child.

But, at least we have them, I know many younger than you and I who are "orphans".

da mom repeats the same things, but at least she is here to say them.

da bear

Derby, Ducky said...

Happy Purrthday from Ducky and Derby and mum too. She also sends a hug for you. She blesses every day that Grampie is doing OK, specially mentally at 94.

Foot Butter Guy said...

Happy belated Birthday mate!

A very thoughtful post - and one I can identify with re: my grandmother - while we lost her last December, I lost here a few years ago, but grateful for the time I had, even a few weeks before she passed - there was love and appreciation between us.

Now, you are 60 - aren't you supposed to give up something like beer to commemorate that milestone? ;)

Congrats - think if you lived a 100, a thousand or 10,000 years ago - 60 was mostly unheard of - you've beaten the human historical average - I dare say, so have I.

Scott